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Thursday, September 09, 2004
An Ally
BLAMB: Stupid Phil Collins! How do you get rid of the things?
KENOBI: Hey, brother, need a hand?
BLAMB: Who the hell are you?
KENOBI: I'm Scooby Kenobi, the Jedi.
BLAMB: Get out.
KENOBI: No man, I'm the real deal. Heard you got a Phil Collins problem.
BLAMB: Yeah, there's like a gazillion of the things.
KENOBI: They're tough to deal with because of the hivemind and they have redundant queens.
BLAMB: I was thinking of fighting fire with fire. I thought that releasing some Elton John beetles into the blog would solve things.
KENOBI: No way, brother. You do that and they just do a duet and you wind up with a superbug. Then you're finished. Might as well just burn down the whole city block.
BLAMB: Crap.
KENOBI: But I've got some tricks that'll help you out ...
HIVE: Kenobi. We meet again.
KENOBI: Hello, Collins.
BLAMB: You know each other?
KENOBI: Years ago, I received an invitation to a Phil Collins concert. A free ticket for front row, centre. So I go to the concert thinking I'm the luckiest guy on earth and I'm having a good time and then, midway through the concert, Collins sings that 'In the Air Tonight' song.
BLAMB: Yeah?
KENOBI: Yeah, so while he's singing the song, he comes down off of the stage and walks up to me and starts singing it right into my face. Turns out his brother drowned when he was a kid and some guy just stood and watched and that's what the song was about. They invited me because they thought I was the guy and singing the song was supposed to be some sort of 'revenge'.
BLAMB: Wow.
KENOBI: BUT THEY GOT THE WRONG GUY! I've never seen anyone drown! After the concert, they didn't even apologize and they spread this rumour around that the whole incident was just an 'urban myth'. Ever since then, I've dedicated my life to defeating Phil Collins.
HIVE: Still smarting from that pasting you received in San Francisco, I see.
BLAMB: Pasting? I thought you knew how to deal with these guys!
KENOBI: I had food poisoning that week or something.
HIVE: And was it food poisoning in Montreal?
BLAMB: Montreal!
KENOBI: Come on, Collins. I can take it, show me what you got.
HIVE: I will Kenobi ... or should I call you by your real name, DWAYNE SIMMONS!
KENOBI: AHHH! DO NOT SAY THOSE WORDS!!!
HIVE: HA ha ha haw haw!
KENOBI: [sobbing] They ... have ... no .. meaning to me.
BLAMB: Leave him alone!
HIVE: And what about you. Just a week ago you were complaining about the makers of Star Trek reinventing the villains as discount Borg every other season .... and then what do you do? YOU DO THE VERY SAME THING WITH PHIL COLLINS!
BLAMB: You bastards!
HIVE: Ha ha ha! Puny fools! Can you not see that you are no match for my vast web of interconnected drone brains?
KENOBI: Laugh all you want, Collins! I'm going take you out!
BLAMB: Yeah, you just watch it. This time it's personal.
6:50 PM
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