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Thursday, October 21, 2004
KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +02:04:23
After passing the ankle, the American fleet returned to patrol Kenny Rogers' foot and we were on our own. We were making good time travelling up a vein running along the calf muscle when we noticed something strange ...
JEN: [to Captain Christie] ... and that's why early-80s New Wave music is so important!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I see!
DR. CHIP: Why is frost forming on the windows?
LT. ARMCHAIR: Must be getting cold outside.
DR. CHIP: We're inside a human body. It shouldn't be cold ... unless Kenny has passed on and is now residing in a freezer in some trans-dimensional morgue.
JEN: [checking the sensors] It's a local phenomenon. There seems to be some sort of cyst soaking up the heat in this area.
DR. CHIP: Well, that's strange.
ULTRA-BABY: [via telepathy, to everyone] We must go there.
ADMIRAL BLAMB: We don't have time to check out every weird thing we find inside Kenny Rogers. Stay on course.
ULTRA-BABY: There is something there for us.
BLAMB: Aw, crap. Are you sure?
ULTRA-BABY: I can sense it.
BLAMB: Something bad is going to happen, isn't it?
We exited the vein and changed course, heading towards the cyst. It grew colder and darker the closer we got.
LT. ARMCHAIR: Everyone stay alert.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Look! It's not a cyst at all, it's some sort of castle. Looks deserted.
And there in the murk were the ruins of a castle made of ice.
ULTRA-BABY: We have to go inside.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It looks pretty creepy. Dr. Chip, Robot and Ultra-Baby ... you're the team that's going in.
DR. CHIP: Excuse me? Why do I have to go? The leaden lunkhead and the unstable infant should be able to take care of one another.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: 'Cause you're getting on my nerves.
We docked with the castle. It was empty and abandoned. The air was breathable. The team departed through the air-lock.
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT TINFOIL OFF OF YOUR HEAD.
DR. CHIP: I don't take orders from her!
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IF WE RUN INTO TROUBLE, BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU COULD MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND ...
DR. CHIP: Shush, you! If we run into trouble, I will be out of here before you have a chance to yell 'scoobalroobaladoo'!
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT SHE WILL NOT UTTER THAT WORD.
DR. CHIP: Yes, well ... good for her.
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE SHOULD GO THIS WAY.
They walked through a long, ornate hallway and into a dark room. Sitting on a throne in the centre of the room was a dark, cloaked figure covered in frost. A pair of shoes rested on its lap.
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE NEED TO GET THOSE SHOES. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.
DR. CHIP: Careful, shmareful. It's not as though dead bodies are going to start waking up and attacking us.
Dr. Chip walked up to the throne and snatched the shoes, a pair of New Balance 765s.
DR. CHIP: Now let's get out of here before we all die of frostbite.
ROBOT: WARNING! WARNING!
DR. CHIP: [sighs] Oh, what are you on about now?
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE ARE IN DANGER!
DR. CHIP: Well this was her idea! Now she's complaining?
There was a crackling noise. The figure on the throne began to jerk and move. It snorted. Steam blew from its mouth.
DR. CHIP: Why can't anything ever be easy?
The figure began to stretch and shake off the frost that was covering it. It stood up and for the first time, the group saw the face beneath the hood.
ICE QUEEN: [hissing] Give that back.
DR. CHIP: But, but, but ...
The Robot grabbed the shoes from Dr. Chip.
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS RUN!
Chip, the Robot and Ultra-Baby ran. The Ice Queen's eyes began to glow.
ICE QUEEN: My pretties, my pretties! Rise my pretties!
Chip, the Robot and Ultra-Baby ran back towards the ship.
DR. CHIP: In case we don't make it, in case we all die horribly, I just want you both to know that I HATE YOUR FREAKING GUTS!
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS TO SHUT UP AND RUN!
DR. CHIP: [panting] Wait, wait ... [stops running] What's that noise? That sound? It's ...
Behind them, Ice Wraiths began to slither out of cracks in the walls.
DR. CHIP: WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?
The Robot grabbed Dr. Chip, threw him over his shoulder and kept running. The Wraiths gained on them quickly. The team slammed the airlock shut just as the Ice Wraiths were on them. Inside the airlock they heard the sounds of the Wraiths scraping against the door.
DR. CHIP: Go, go, go, go!
LT. ARMCHAIR: [over intercom] What's going on down there?
DR. CHIP: [gasping] Never get off the boat! Never get off the boat!
ROBOT: DANGER! DANGER! WE MUST LEAVE!
The sub pulled away from the castle and sped off, followed by a swarm of Ice Wraiths. They overtook the sub and slammed against it. The sub bobbed and buckled.
The Ice Wraiths attack.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I'm losing control!
The sub was hit hard and rolled upside down. Everyone not strapped in on the bridge hit the ceiling; the captain hung upside down in her chair and jammed the gears. The sub righted itself. Everyone hit the floor.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: HEADS UP!
A Wraith hurled itself at the front window, dive bombing at full speed and slammed into the window, exploding on contact, its entrails splatted across the front of the sub. The window cracked and glass dust blasted into the cabin. The sub was sent into a spin.
ARMCHAIR: STEADY! They're going for the windows!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: [shaking off glass] No kidding!
I turned towards the window next to me just as another Wraith dive bombed into it. The window cracked but held, glass dust blasted at me and the impact threw me across the room where I hit my head and was knocked unconcious. Water sprayed through the cracks.
LT. ARMCHAIR: There! There! Get us into that artery!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: That'll take us back where we came from!
LT. ARMCHAIR: Just do it! Quickly!
They entered the artery and there was a surge of speed. The wraiths followed.
LT. ARMCHAIR: Dump the fuel! Dump the fuel!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Dump our fuel?
Armchair hit the switch and dumped the fuel.
ARMCHAIR: Flare!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I see ... Here's your flare, smart guy!
She hit the flare. The fuel ignited and there was a muffled pop and the sub jerked and was sent spinning forwards, end over end. The lights went out and the engines went silent and everything went dark.
2:49 PM
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