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Sunday, October 24, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +04:10:11

When we pulled into Port Iliotibial at Kenny Rogers' knee, the sky was bright and the sea was calm. I stepped out into the fresh, salty air and took a deep breath. I rolled up my pant legs and sat on the pier and soaked my feet in the brine. Little fish nibbled at my toes. A beautiful woman was lying on a towel, getting a tan. A nice man passed and handed me a balloon.

I smiled.

A team of American engineers began repairing the sub. Their supervisor walked over to me. I recognized him and he seemed to recognize me ...

GORD: Looks like your sub is going to need a lot of work, gov'nor. But we'll get 'er done.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: [grinning] That's nice!

GORD: The windows really took a smashin'. We're gonna replace 'em with somethin' stronger. Right, mate?

BLAMB: Go to it!

I noticed that a spider monkey was sitting on my shoulder, except that it had Kenney Rogers' face.

BLAMB: [laughs] I love cute, little monkeys!

GORD: Wait, I've seen you in a movie. That one about those guys who do all that stuff.

BLAMB: [smiling, petting the monkey] That's not me!

GORD: No! Really? I guess not. You must get that a lot, eh mate?

BLAMB: Only at the Dufferin Mall! Gord, it's me, Brett.

GORD: Oy! I didn't recognize you!

BLAMB: I'm not surpised. The last time we met was more than a decade ago. I keep inviting you to my parties, but you never show up.

There were more monkeys now. I gave one of them a peanut.

GORD: I'm coming this year! How 'ave you been? How's Laura? You guys must 'ave kids by now.

BLAMB: We broke up!

GORD: Oh mate, I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you okay?

BLAMB: We broke up in 1995.

GORD: Oh.

BLAMB: Why are you talking with a really bad, fake British accent?

GORD: 'Cause you're not listening to me.

BLAMB: I am listening to you.

GORD: No you're not. I'm trying to tell you something.

BLAMB: Then tell me.

GORD: I can't because you won't listen.

BLAMB: That doesn't make any sense.

GORD: You're the one with the shoes.

I looked down and found that I was wearing the New Balance 765s we stole from the Ice Queen.

BLAMB: You know, this model is being discontinued ...

GORD: You're the one with the shoes!

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something large and I turned and there was an Ice Wraith dive-bombing at me and it struck me ...

And I woke up. I was in the medical bay aboard the submarine. Dr. Chip and the Robot were standing over me.

ROBOT: HE IS AWAKE, DOCTOR.

DR. CHIP: Admiral, can you hear me?

BLAMB: [slurs] The ship? Out of danger?

DR. CHIP: We left the port at the knee about eight hours ago. We received repairs and supplies. We're halfway to the hip where we'll rendezvous with the squadron that will escort us through Confederate territory.

BLAMB: [groggy] Gord got the repairs done? Good for him.

DR. CHIP: Gord? There was no Gord. You must be thinking of the woman who was supervising. GORDINA. Sir, you received a severe concussion. You've been out for a couple of days. Continue to rest.

BLAMB: No, no, I've got to get up. There's ... so much ... to do ...

DR. CHIP: Oh, okay.

BLAMB: [blinks] You're not going to force me to rest?

DR. CHIP: [slaps him on the back] I don't really care!

Dr. Chip chuckled and left the medical bay.

ROBOT: I DO NOT CARE, EITHER. I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE I AM A ROBOT. I AM INCAPABLE OF CARING.
 

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