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BLAMB: Brenda! COL. BREN: [saluts] Sir! Good to see you, sir! LT. ARMCHAIR: You know this woman? BLAMB: Yeah! She's my internet niece. Tough as nails. We're in good hands. COL. BREN: We're gonna get you through the enemy lines. Don't you worry. Hey, skinny boy. You like to surf? DR. CHIP: Skinny boy? COL. BREN: SURFING! Do you surf? DR. CHIP: I've never surfed in my life. COL. BREN: There's great surfing in one of the arteries up near the heart! You catch a good burst right as the valve opens and it'll carry you so far ... you're gonna love it. DR. CHIP: I beg your pardon? COL. BREN: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT! DR. CHIP: I DON'T SURF! COL. BREN: [stops a passing grunt] We're surfing! Today! What are the conditions like? GRUNT: Sir, it's pretty hairy out there, SIR! COL. BREN: Hairy shmairy! I want those Commies cleared out of there and I want to see men surfing in those arteries! Got that? GRUNT: Sir, the enemy predates Marxism, SIR! COL. BREN: [whacks the grunt on the head] Don't give me your lip! Engels wrote The Principles of Communism in 1847! GRUNT: Sorry sir! Yes, SIR! BLAMB: So what's the plan? COL. BREN: My boys are down in the testicles right now getting all hopped up on testosterone. When they get back here, they'll be juiced! I've also got a team down in the bowel collecting poop so we can shit bomb those Confederates right back to Dixie! Get ready for a real ride! Why don't you come along in my sub? I went back to the Atrocia to advise the crew of the situation. Jen and the Captain were conferring with some of the soldiers. CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: What's that? SOLDIER 1: Music. CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Music? SOLDIER 1: We blast music at the enemy. Music from over a hundred years in the future freaks 'em out. JEN: I helped develop that project. SOLDIER 2: Are you gonna play some Boz Skaggs today? SOLDIER 1: Aw, that didn't scare 'em! I was thinking of Van Halen. Or the Doors. CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: You could just drop David Lee Roth on top of them. That would end this war real quick-like. JEN: Here, this remix of Blue Monday will probably do the trick. Jen played a little for them. The soldiers looked at one another and said, in unison: Uh, that's different ... JEN: What? Does music from ten years in the future scare you? I climbed into Col. Croomb's sub. The side of it had an airbrushed painting of an eagle. It's beak was open and filled with sharp teeth. The effect didn't really work ... the entire interior was covered in purple velour. Fuzzy dice hung above the pilot's seat. The Colonel sat beside me. COL. BREN: [into her headset] WIND 'ER UP AND LET 'ER GO! The engines of a hundred subs fired up and the water filled with foam. They pulled from their moorings and the fuel lines and power cables fluttered in the water like the tentacles of a big, black anemone. I could hear the deep rumble of the subs through the hull. Then the music began. I see a ship in the harbor I can and shall obey But if it wasn’t for your misfortunes I’d be a heavenly person today Aboard the Atrocia ... ROBOT: WHAT IS THE CAPTAIN DOING? DR. CHIP: [covering his ears] She's singing along. She's singing along at the top of her lungs. This is it, I think we're all finally going to die! Ahead, in the distance, I could see faint flashes, fire from the Confederate cannons. 3:45 PM , # , \|