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Wednesday, October 27, 2004
KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +09:12:54
The sub was tilted on its side. Dr. Chip and the Robot lay on the wall. Water was leaking through the door from the flooded compartment. Dr. Chip was bleeding in several places, gasping for breath and wet.
DR. CHIP: The pain! The pain!
ROBOT: DR. CHIP. YOU SAVED ME ...
DR. CHIP: Not another word from you, you soaking sack of circuits! [spits up more water]
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY IS ON THE BRIDGE. SHE SAYS THAT PEOPLE THERE ARE ALIVE.
DR. CHIP: Let's go then. No use hanging around here with you for the last moments of my fading life.
ROBOT: DR. CHIP?
DR. CHIP: What is it now?
ROBOT: THANK YOU.
DR. CHIP: [snarls] Robots like you aren't cheap, you know. I was just trying to keep us on budget.
Up on the bridge, things looked grim.
LT. ARMCHAIR: We've taken heavy damage.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It's getting hard to steer. She's wobbling all over the place.
ADMIRAL BLAMB: Where are we?
LT. ARMCHAIR: Somewhere in the large intestine.
ADMIRAL BLAMB: Is there anywhere we can stop? Anywhere we can take a breather?
JEN: We're in Confederate territory until we reach the brain.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: We won't make it like this.
Nobody said anything else. We travelled for another hour. I struggled to think of a solution, but more and more I saw that it was very probable that we would live out the rest of our days inside the large intestine of the gigantic, hyper-dimensional Kenny Rogers who had infested my blog.
Another hour passed. And another. Some of the crew nodded off.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Admiral!
There was light in the distance. As we got closer, we saw an 1860s-style, Southern plantation in front of us.
LT. ARMCHAIR: Are the Confederates colonizing the large intestine?
JEN: And have they brought slavery with them?
LT. ARMCHAIR: It doesn't make sense.
CAPTAIN: Well, if we're going down, let's go down fighting. I SAY WE RAM IT!
BLAMB: Wait. Just take us in.
CAPTAIN: Admiral!
LT. ARMCHAIR: Sir, are you saying ... surrender?
BLAMB: All of you, all of you have risked enough. This is my blog. I'll find a way to get you back home. Take us in.
We parked on the front lawn. And stepped out.
Eva walked out to greet us. She was dressed as a Southern Belle.
EVA: Welkom op de plantage.
DR. CHIP: I beg your pardon?
EVA: Excuse me. Welcome, y'all! Won't y'all come in for some tea, y'all?
BLAMB: Of course. But Eva, why are you here?
EVA: This here's my home, y'all.
She turned and walked towards the mansion. The rest of us just stood and gaped.
EVA: [turning back] Well, come along, y'all!
Inside, we sat and drank tea at a table with Eva and a group of her other guests who included Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Paris Hilton.
MICHAEL JACKSON: Paris lijkt op een klein jongetje.
PARIS HILTON: Niet waar!
BILL CLINTON: Ik vind dat ze er als een vrouw uitziet!
EVA: Ahem. [smiles at her guests]
CLINTON: SWITCHING TO ENGLISH MODE. Sorry about that.
HILTON: [to the crew] You see, the Union Army will not succeed in Kenny Rogers because they are fighting a 20th Century, out-of-the-body war against a 19th Century, inside-the-body enemy.
CLINTON: The Confederates were able to adapt quickly inside Kenny Rogers because they did not share the conceits of a modern army addicted to technology and stifled by conventions of professionalism.
JACKSON: And they have nice uniforms.
Clark Gable walked in.
GABLE: Talk, talk, talk! That's all we ever get from you rubes!
He sidled up to Eva.
GABLE: You think you've seen the last of me, you think I'm just going to walk away! Well, my dear, as much as you may be a snotty, spoiled little turnip ... you haven't seen the last of Herbert von Fluffner.
JEN: Herbert von Fluffner?
DR. CHIP: [aside, to Blamb] Sir, I'm not sure, but I think this entire place and all of these people are just a giant simulation. None of this is real.
BLAMB: No kidding. What about Eva? Is she real?
DR. CHIP: I can perform a simple test to find out, sir.
BLAMB: Do it.
DR. CHIP: Excuse me, miss. Do you mind if we perform a short interview?
EVA: Do you mind if I smoke?
DR. CHIP: It won't affect the test. I'm going to ask you a series of questions.
EVA: Ok.
DR. CHIP: You're watching television. You notice that there's a wasp on your arm ...
EVA: EW!
DR. CHIP: Um ... right. You're reading a magazine. You come across a fullpage photo of a nude girl.
EVA: Are you testing whether I'm a simulation or a lesbian, Dr. Chip?
DR. CHIP: Just answer the question please ...
EVA: I don't want to ...
Dr. Chip rolled his eyes and stood up.
DR. CHIP: She's real. She's not a simluation like these bozos.
GABLE: Bozo?
Simulated Clark Gable ran over, grabbed Eva and kissed her.
EVA: But Herbert, did you hear? I'm real!
GABLE: Frankly my dear, I don't give a darn!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Damn!
GABLE: ... Damn!
The Captain suddenly shuddered.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It's Ultra-Baby. She says that we have to get back to the ship! She says it's an emergency!
GABLE: Not so fast, y'all.
The simulated celebrities pulled out handguns, grabbed the crew and held them at gunpoint. Gable grabbed Eva.
GABLE: We've repaired the sub and Eva and I are using it to get out of here, see?
EVA: Herbert, no!
GABLE: I'm sorry, but this is the only way we can be together!
Gable dragged her to the door.
GABLE: You idiots, you don't know what you're missing! We'll see things you people wouldn't believe! Attack ships on fire off the shores of the bronchial tubes! We'll see seabeams, glittering in the dark in the iris of the eye! All of those moments will be OURS!
Gable opened the door.
A waiting Ice Wraith chomped down and bit off the top portion of his body. Tiny little gears spilled out. Before Gable's simulated legs could fall to the floor, Ice Wraiths crashed through the windows of the mansion.
BLAMB: Get to the sub!
Armchair grabbed Eva.
LT. ARMCHAIR: You're coming with us!
EVA: No! I can't leave! I can't leave them! They're like my family!
An Ice Wraith gobbled Bill Clinton whole.
ARMCHAIR: They're not your family! Cant you see? They're not real! None of this is!
Bob Marley was chewed up by a Wraith.
EVA: NO!
ARMCHAIR: DAMMIT! THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!
The Captain reached the sub first.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: What's our status?
ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT THE WRAITHS HAVE NOT SEEN US YET. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IF WE LEAVE NOW, WE CAN ESCAPE!
Outside the window, they could see that the Wraiths were quickly demolishing the house.
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Let's get outta here!
The rest of us made it aboard with Eva in tow.
LT. ARMCHAIR: That's everybody!
The engines roared and we surged backwards, away from the estate. The sub started shaking.
LT. ARMCHAIR: Faster!
CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: If we go any faster, she'll fly apart!
LT. ARMCHAIR: Fly her apart, then!
Soon we were clear ...
Back at the plantation, the house had been levelled and the Ice Wraiths were shredding the trees. A hooded figure in a dark cloak walked up the path towards the ruins. It was the Ice Queen. She stopped at a spot where several Wraiths were circling. There, lying on the ground unconcious, was Dr. Chip.
11:40 PM
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