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Monday, October 04, 2004
The Quarterly Dating Report
Welcome to the Quarterly Dating Report, an extensive, in-depth review of my dating activities over the past month. I'm now 1/4 of the way through the four-month Fall Dating Experience, and things are heating up! September was the month for laying the groundwork and revving up the engine ... um, I only went on one "date" and that was just a quick coffee shop meet-up. The conversation was stilted and she answered her cell three times (and had conversations) ... and we were only together for an hour.
That's not much of a dating report. So, in lieu of any real news, here's a fictionalized dating adventure! Please enjoy ...
S T A R R I N G
 Jason Statham as Brad Lamp
 Salma Hayek as SallySue Spears
 Steve Buscemi as Australian Brad Lamp
 and Ross McElwee as Ross McElwee
Date: 5698
Middle-aged Brad Lamp lies on a sleeping pad inside a space bubble on the planet Trampampoline in the year 5698. He is asleep but restless. His pyjamas are red with thin blue stripes.
BLAMP: [calls out] Ross! Ross!
SALLYSUE: You jumped again, didn't you?
BLAMP: [awake] Yes.
SALLYSUE: Do you know where you are?
BLAMP: I do.
SALLYSUE: [hushed voice] We're going to have a baby.
TRAMPAMPOLINIAN OVERLORDS: CONGRATULATIONS! [applause]
SALLYSUE: But, I don't understand. Who is Ross?
[JUMP]
DATE: THE WAR YEARS
Brad Lamp is a young man, he stands shivering in a snowy prison yard with several other men. A surly man approaches and slugs him. Brad falls to the ground.
AUSTRALIAN BLAMP: We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for this bastard! Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp!
Another man steps between Brad and the hot-headed Aussie.
ROSS McELWEE: Hey, leave him alone.
BLAMP: Thanks.
McELWEE: He's really got it in for you.
BLAMP: We have the same name. He doesn't like that.
McELWEE: Is it such a big deal?
BLAMP: And I accidentally shot him in the face during basic training.
McELWEE: Accidents happen.
BLAMP: And I sneezed while we were hiding and that's how the Nazis found us.
McELWEE: Oh.
BLAMP: My name is Brad Lamp. Canadian Brad Lamp.
They shake hands.
McELWEE: You seem to have a bit of a British accent.
BLAMP: Blimey! No I don't!
McELWEE: My name's Ross.
BLAMP: Nice to meet you.
Nazi guards enter the yard. One steps forward and barks at the prisoners.
NAZI: We have made arrangements for your prison detail. You will be sent to work in various Wafflehouses around the city. Your job will be to make the Waffles. Each Wafflehouse has a number. Your group will be assigned to Wafflehouse 5.
BLAMP: Yay! Waffles!
NAZI: Because there are two Brad Lamps, Australian Brad Lamp will be assigned to the coal mine instead, to avoid confusion. The coal mines are very dangerous; the few prisoners who survive working there are permanently disabled by the Black Lung!
Australian Brad Lamp glares at Brad.
[JUMP]
DATE: 1976
Brad Lamp is seven years old. It is recess on a crowded school yard. A bunch of kids are gathering to play.
BLAMP: This will be fun!
HOLLY MORRISON: Nobody wants to play with you, Brad Lamp!
The kids run off to play together and Brad Lamp is left standing alone in the school yard.
[JUMP]
DATE: 5699
Brad and SallySue are smiling at their one-year-old baby girl.
BLAMP: I was always afraid of the other kids after that happened.
SALLYSUE: Not everybody likes everybody else.
BLAMP: That's just it, she didn't say that because she didn't like me. She said it because she did.
[JUMP]
DATE: 1989
Brad is a young man at university.
BLAMP: Blimey! I'm giving Miss Teen Canada a backrub!
[internal monologue] Can I hit on her? Loretta is sitting right there. And Miss Teen Canada is Australian Brad Lamps girlfriend
hed kill me just for doing this
so why not go the distance? Why the hell do I overthink everything? Damn, I wish I was drunk! [/internal monologue]
MISS TEEN CANADA: [drunk & slurring] Loretta! Why isn't Brad hitting on me?
LORETTA: Beats me.
The next day, Brad meets up with McElwee after class.
McELWEE: Do you date a lot?
BLAMP: I've been going on dates with this women, but every time I see her, I'm hungover. So, the last time I went on a date with her, I wasn't hungover but as soon as I saw her, I felt like I was.
McELWEE: I've been studying a lot of war history and I've been relating it to my dating life.
BLAMP: That's your problem! Make love, not war, man!
McELWEE: I'm wondering if there's a difference ... it seems that everytime I have a crush on a woman, it just creates damage.
They round a corner and Blamp accidentally trips a passing student.
AUSSIE BLAMP: Ouch! My neck!
BLAMP: Blimey!
AUSSIE BLAMP: Watch where you're going! Don't fuck with Australian Brad Lamp!
BLAMP: [to Ross] Just being alive seems to create damage.
[JUMP]
Date: 1995
Ross and Brad are walking down Bloor Street. It's fall.
McELWEE: I sometimes wonder if I'm in love with actual people or just in love with the feeling of being in love.
BLAMP: Why are you pointing that camera at me?
McELWEE: I'm making a personal documentary.
BLAMP: Why can't you just enjoy being single? Why do you always gotta be marching from one woman to another? I'm single again and I love it!
McELWEE: I don't think it's healthy to live a completely self-indulgent life.
BLAMP: I've been single for four months!
McELWEE: Exactly, and I've had three crushes in that time.
BLAMP: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
McELWEE: I've never been able to rationalize my way into a relationship. I haven't met anyone who has patience for the process.
[JUMP]
DATE: THE WAR YEARS
The prisoners are opening Wafflehouse 5 for the day.
BLAMP: They shot the Sarge yesterday for trying to steal a waffle!
McELWEE: He wasn't stealing the waffle. He found a discarded one under the stove and was turning it in.
BLAMP: Blimey!
McELWEE: I think I've developed a serious crush on the waitress, maybe I'm in love with her.
BLAMP: Loretta? Two days ago you were in love with the woman who washes the dishes!
McELWEE: I think that maybe she and I just have very different expectations from life. She expects to wash dishes. But the waitress, she interacts with people on a regular basis. I think I can better relate to someone like that.
Aussie Blamp is led into the Wafflehouse by some Nazi guards.
NAZI: This is the replacement for the lost worker. To avoid confusion, his name shall be "Scum" from now on. Anyone who refers to him by his actual name will face the harshest penalty. Scum, you will report directly to Brad Lamp.
SCUM: [scowls] Hello, Lamp.
BLAMP: Um, hello ... um, Scum.
SCUM: Just you remember, nobody fucks with Scum.
BLAMP: Blimey.
[JUMP]
Date: 2001
McELWEE: I have this crush on this woman named MaryAnn who lives on-site at Ontario Place. I lived there with her for several months and we had a very good sexual relationship. Then I left and had another relationship. That went sour so I went back to Ontario Place, hoping we could pick up where we left off. But she was seeing some guy who was living there with her, so I lived with both of them for a couple of months. Well, not with them; in a shed out back. Later I developed a crush on Ginger, who was living in the IMAX theatre, but she was a lesbian.
BLAMP: Oh man, I can't take this right now.
McELWEE: You're still a wreck? It's been a year.
BLAMP: I'm not great.
McELWEE: You need to have some fun, why don't you go out, get drunk, meet some women.
BLAMP: I've done that. Maybe I should move in with my ex and her boyfriend. Or live in their shed.
McELWEE: Hey! I just wanted to help.
BLAMP: Blimey.
McELWEE: Time man, more time ... that's what it takes.
BLAMP: I've looked into the internet dating.
McELWEE: That's weird. I don't think I could really connect with a person that way.
BLAMP: I went on a date with a woman I met online last summer. It was better than any of the lousy set-ups I've had.
McELWEE: I tend to like being set-up. There's something very relaxing about completely relinquishing control and letting events take over.
BLAMP: Is that what happened the time Alice set you up?
McELWEE: I still have scars from that.
BLAMP: Well, internet dating is worth a look. Hey, I snagged the BradLamp.com domain name the other day ...
[JUMP]
Date: 2012
BLAMP: WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME IN THE FACE WITH THAT BRICK!
ALICE: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!
BLAMP: WELL STOP!
[JUMP]
Date: 2003
To: Brad Lamp (brad@bradlamp.com)
From: Aussie Brad Lamp (bradlamp@phoophooyo.au)
Subject: Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp
You bastard! I can't believe you own the domain name! Ill get you for this!
Yours Truly,
Brad Lamp (Australia)
[JUMP]
Date: The War Years
The prisoners are lined up against a wall out in the prison yard. It is snowing.
NAZI GUARD: And now we are going to play a little game. You will all answer my questions.
ROSS: [to Brad] Be careful what you say.
NAZI: If you were a character in Superman: The Movie, which character would you be? YOU! Answer the question!
ROSS: Otis.
NAZI: Next!
BLAMP: Otis.
NAZI: Next!
AUSSIE BLAMP: Valerie Perrine.
A guard steps forward and smashes the butt of his rifle into Australian Brad Lamps face.
WHACK!
NAZI: VALERIE PERRINE IS NOT A CHARACTER! Valerie Perrine was the actor who played the character of Eve Teschmacher, you Yankee scum!
AUSSIE BLAMP: [gasps] Im Australian ...
NAZI: Stiff Cheddar!
AUSSIE BLAMP: [groans] Nobody fucks
[JUMP]
Date: 5696
BLAMP: [startled] Where am I?
TRAMPAMPOLINIAN OVERLORD: You are on Planet Trampampoline.
BLAMP: Why am I here?
TRAMPO: We wish to observe you.
BLAMP: I'm lonely!
A woman appears. She is naked except for a thick leather belt with a gun holster and police badge on it. She's also wearing leather boots. It is porn star, SallySue Spears.
SALLYSUE: WWWWAAAAHHHH!!!
BLAMP: Don't scream!
SALLYSUE: WAAAAHHHHH!!!
BLAMP: Don't be afraid!
SALLYSUE: Where the hell am I?
BLAMP: Apparently we're on the planet Trampampoline.
SALLYSUE: Who the hell are you?
BLAMP: My name is Brad Lamp. I'm an elementary school art teacher from London.
SALLYSUE: Why are you here?
BLAMP: The Trampampolinians said they wanted to study me. They brought you here because I said I was lonely.
SALLYSUE: Well tell them to send me back! I don't want to be here with some dope in a bubble in outer space! I have a life!
BLAMP: Trampampolinians? Can you send her back?
SALLYSUE: Sheesh.
BLAMP: Hello?
SALLYSUE: Maybe they've turned in for the night.
BLAMP: Hello?
SALLYSUE: Well, thanks pal. Nice mess you've got me into.
BLAMB: Blimey.
SALYYSUE: Why does everybody mess with SallySue Spears?
[JUMP]
Date: 2007
Brad, Alice and Ross are having dinner.
ROSS: Well, congratulations on getting hitched. You two were on and off for years.
ALICE: Isnt it great? And this time I promise that Im going to lose weight for him!
BLAMP: If you lose any more weight, youll turn inside-out. Im the one who needs to lose weight.
ROSS: Yeah, how heavy are you?
BLAMP: 240. I knew this would happen.
ALICE: Oh come on, you look healthy!
BLAMP: Meh.
ALICE: So Ross, the reason we wanted to get together with you is 'cause I know this wonderful woman who you should meet.
ROSS: Really?
ALICE: Youre gonna love her! Shes intelligent, shes cultured, shes beautiful, shes fun.
BLAMP: Youre a brave man if you let her set you up again.
ALICE: Shush, you! Ross, are you interested?
ROSS: Of course. But I have a bit of a crush on this police officer who gave me a ticket the other day. She was pretty and I think that someone with such clear boundaries in their life might be good for me, because I have such loose boundaries.
ALICE: No, no, no, Ross. This woman, this woman I have found, shes perfect for you. Boundaries, smart, pretty ... you'll love her.
[JUMP]
Date: 2004
ROSS: Hey, I read that fictionalized account of your dating life on your blog.
BLAMP: The worst part is that Im going to have to do it again at the end of October, theres no time to date this month because of work.
ROSS: I thought casting Bruce Willis as your character was odd. I never thought of you as the action hero type.
BLAMP: Are you kidding? LOOK AT ME!
ROSS: Yeah, you're not all that scary.
[JUMP]
Date: The War Years
It is late and the Wafflehouse is closed. The Nazi guard is eating a late-night waffle, by himself, in the dark. A figure steps from the shadows and wraps a wire around the Nazi's neck and pulls it tight, holding it until the Nazi goes limp.
AUSSIE BLAMP: Nobody.
[JUMP]
Date: 2071
Brad Lamp is an elderly man, standing in front of a large audience in an auditorium.
BLAMP: To sum up, all I can tell you is that there is only one rule about dating and that rule is: YOU DO NOT BLOG ABOUT DATING.
STUDENT IN AUDIENCE: But, sir! You break that rule all the time! You blogged hundreds of pages about living with the porn star on Planet Trampampoline in the future.
BLAMP: Well, fortunately I will never have to address that complaint ...
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Shots ring out and Brad Lamp twitches and slumps to the floor. Dead. The audience panics. Some people duck, most run for the exits. Up in the balcony, unnoticed, an old man holds a smoking pistol and mutters to himself.
AUSSIE BLAMP: Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp!
9:15 PM
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