Blamblog - Brett Lamb's Blog



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Fark Garlicster Metafilter Plastic The Register SciFi Daily Sexblogs Slashdot Space.com The Smoking Gun Zeropaid [ CARTOONS ] Corrigan Children of the Atom Fiona Smyth Maakies MacKay MNFTIU.cc Secret Lair Smell of Steve [ VARIETY HOUR ] B3TA Hoogerbrugge Milk & Cookies Mumbleboy Onion Rathergood XE [ RERUNS ] [ 2005 ] JANUARY FEBRUARY MARCH APRIL MAY JUNE JULY AUGUST [ 2004 ] MAY JUNE JULY AUGUST SEPTEMBER OCTOBER NOVEMBER DECEMBER [ 2002 ] [ 2003 ]	Monday, November 01, 2004 KENNY ROGERS: EAGLE I was placed in a small cage and left alone for days. My only visitor was a journalist who was covering the war. Once he met the Eagle, he abandoned his work to chronicle the greatness of the EAGLE fulltime. WEISBLOTT: Man, you don't understand, man! In these days, when darkness falls early, in these days, man! I could only stare at him. I hadn't eaten in days. Some guerilla soldiers came and opened the cage. WEISBLOTT: You'd better take a fool's advice, man, you'd better take a fool's advice! One day you're here and the next day you're gone! GONE, man! I was allowed to shower and given clean clothes. Then I was taken to a small hut. It was dark inside. I sat for a few moments and then realized that I was not alone. Someone was sitting in the shadows. EAGLE: Desperado? Why don't you come to your senses? BLAMB: What do you mean? EAGLE: You've been out riding fences for so long now. You are a hard one. And I know that you've got your reasons. But these things that are pleasing you can hurt you somehow. I couldn't argue with that. EAGLE: Don't your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine. It's hard to tell the nighttime from the day. I could hear his wisdom, yet, at the same time I realized that the man was completely insane. EAGLE: It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you. You'd better let somebody love you. A guerilla soldier stuck his head in the door. SOLDIER: Let somebody love you. EAGLE: Before it's too late. I was taken back to the cage where I spent another night. The journalist visited again. WEISBLOTT: Man, he respects you man! Don't you see it? Don't you see it, man? He has plans for you! Plans, man! But I already knew what I had to do. I knew it. The EAGLE knew it. The next night I escaped from the cage, grabbed the best weapon I could find and confronted the EAGLE in his villa. I entered the room where he slept and turned on the light and saw the face of the man for the first time. It was Don Henley ... from The Eagles. I attacked! I hit Henley over the head with the Yellow Pages over and over and over. HENLEY: What are you doing? BLAMB: I'M KILLING YOU! HENLEY: Well, you're not doing a very good job! I stopped. The Yellow Pages were floppy and difficult to manage. Henley wasn't even bruised. BLAMB: You're right ... you're right ... At that moment, I felt great peace and warmth wash over my body. A voice spoke to me, a voice I recognized but hadn't heard since .... SCOOBY KENOBI: Use the force! BLAMB: Scooby? Scooby Kenobi? SCOOBY KENOBI: Let go! And then I knew what I had to do. I went to Don Henley's computer and downloaded Kenny Roger's cover of Desperado ... and I played it for the former Eagle. HENLEY: What's this? BLAMB: Listen to it. HENLEY: Is that Kenny Rogers singing? BLAMB: Yeah. He does a little falsetto bit here. HENLEY: You're serious? This is real? BLAMB: He takes some liberties with the song, eh? KENNY ROGERS: [recorded] Now it seems to me some fine things, Have been laid upon your table, But you only want the thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnggggggsss you can't get ... HENLEY: What the hell? KENNY ROGERS: [recorded] Deeeeeeeeeeee-speraaado. Why. Don't. You. Come. To. Your. Senses? BLAMB: The back-up singers are a nice touch. Henley began to shiver. He put his hand to his head and gasped. His eyes rolled back and he collapsed. He'd suffered a massive stroke. He lay on the floor, shaking and drooling. HENLEY: [gasps] The horror. The horror. The guerilla soldier standing at the door leaned in and said, "Mista Henley. He dead." I walked back to the test ship. The only members of the crew left were Captain Christie, Dr. Chip, Ultra-Baby and the dismantled Robot as well as Eva, who we had rescued. They'd been released from their cages and stood waiting at the ship, battered, bruised and covered in mud. Nobody said a word. We probably wouldn't make it, but dead or alive, we were going home. I climbed aboard. ULTRA-BABY: [via telepathy] Don't you understand? BLAMB: Understand what? ULTRA-BABY: You could have gone home any time you wanted. You have the shoes. BLAMB: The shoes? I looked down. I was still wearing the New Balance 765s. ULTRABABY: Just jump up and down ten times and repeat: Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, don't take your love to town. It will take all of us home and cause Kenny to phase out of existence and off your blog. BLAMB: Why didn't you tell us this before? ULTRABABY: You didn't ask! THE END! 4:20 PM , # , \|