|
About
happycreature[at]gmail[dot[com]
[ BLAMBLOG ]
Ed Locke's Grandpa
Happy Creature
Ms. Johnson
PIX
[ PILOTS! ]
Bill Doskoch
72hrchik
BlogTO
Dead Robot
estrojenn
Finn's Space
John Gushue
Rick Mercer
Rocketboom
Simple Splendor
Squiddity
Confessions of a Monkey
[ A-TEAM ]
AllThingsChristie & BWE
Circadian Shift
Daily Dose
Davezilla
Dooce
Jett Superior
Kitty Bukkake
Sugarmama
Tony Pierce
[ TORONTO ROCKS ]
Accordian Guy
Alan Hunt
Andrew Spicer
Angie McKaig
armchair garbageman
Bacon and Eh's
Bored Astronaut
Cellar Dweller
Chip Tijuana
Chromewaves
Clara*
Consolation Champs
Biker Chick
Dave Howard
Day in the Life
Digifox
Easternblog
freckle stof
Help!
Ice Queen
indigoblog
JBWarehouse
Liz Vang
Luminescent
Lunerose
Maria
Marmalade
moot point
Nug
Photojunkie
Pony
Pshaw
Radio Weisblogg
Raymi
Riri's Braindump
RobotJohnny
Rusty Robot
Sally McKay
Sarah Pengelly
Secret Storm
ShanghaiM
Ultrablog
United Bingdom
wainbows
Warren Kinsella
Zoilus
[ ALL IN THE FAMILY ]
Merv!
Dad!
Gillian
Kevin!
[ ORGANIZIZED ]
GTA Bloggers
TorontoComic Jam
[ BEACHCOMBERS ]
Good, Matthew
Good, Jennifer
Ian King
Jeff Merritt
[ GOTHAM CITY ]
Explanada
Lindsayism
My Blog is Poop
Yoon!
[ ST. ELSEWHERE ]
Blogebrity
blogumentary
Brett Lamb: Oz
Bunny McIntosh
Dust My Broom
elanamatic
Go Fug Yourself
Grrrl Meets World
James Bow
Little Lioness
SKSmith
Shelly
Skillzy
Tom Tomorrow
[ 6 O'CLOCK NEWS ]
boing boing
Cursor
Drawn!
Fark
Garlicster
Metafilter
Plastic
The Register
SciFi Daily
Sexblogs
Slashdot
Space.com
The Smoking Gun
Zeropaid
[ CARTOONS ]
Corrigan
Children
of the Atom
Fiona Smyth
Maakies
MacKay
MNFTIU.cc
Secret Lair
Smell of Steve
[ VARIETY HOUR ]
B3TA
Hoogerbrugge
Milk & Cookies
Mumbleboy
Onion
Rathergood
XE
[ RERUNS ]
[ 2005 ]
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
MARCH
APRIL
MAY
JUNE
JULY
AUGUST
[ 2004 ]
MAY
JUNE
JULY
AUGUST
SEPTEMBER
OCTOBER
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
[ 2002 ]
[ 2003 ]
|
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Santa Night!
As Merv noted, last weekend I gave in and became Santa again. For the past eight years I was able to resist the urge thanks to a special inhaler Kris Kristofferson designed for me.
But Merv wasn't there, so it is only now, on Xmas Eve, that the true story of that evening can be told ...
Auntie Sharon embrances the universe's ultimate evil.
A couple of my cousins brought new boyfriends to the family gathering on Sunday. One of them, Charley, seemed suspicious of me. By coincidence, Charley had recently moved into the house next door to me.
BLAMB: Is something wrong, Charley?
CHARLEY: [paralysed with fear] No. Nothing. Nothing, sir.
I figured I'd let it drop. But later in the evening, I overheard him talking to my cousin.
CHARLEY: And I was on MSN typing and I just looked out my window and I saw Brett through his bedroom window and he was dressed as Santa and there was a woman with him and he bit her neck and started sucking her blood!
Well, I couldn't let those sorts of stories get around. I excused myself, telling the relatives that I'd been up late the night before and needed a nap. I went to down to the basement and started to transform ...
My eyes glowed red, my belly became swollen and expanded, my cheeks grew chubby and white hair sprouted all over my body, my breath began to smell like candy canes. I writhed in pain as the physical transformation tore through my body.
I went back upstairs as Santa.
SANTA BLAMB: Now Charley, I don't like it when people talk about me behind my back.
I lunged at Charley, reaching for his neck. But cousin Gillian saw what was happening and sprung into action, attacking me.
 
GILLIAN: This evil must end!
SANTA BLAMB: Under attack! I'm being taken!
I fell on an end table and it smashed. Gillian grabbed one of the severed table legs and plunged it through my chest. Blood gushed, I screamed, I gasped ... and was quiet. A crimson stain spread across the floor.
Charley and Grandpa, horrified by the attack.
CHARLEY: I knew it! He was a Santa!
GILLIAN: He won't be making any more lists of who's naughty & nice.
Suddenly, my chest heaved and I vomited blood.
SANTA BLAMB: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!!
CHARLEY: He's alive!
SANTA BLAMB: HA! Fools! You can't destroy me!
GILLIAN: What?
CHARLEY: Of course! The only way to kill a Santa is to destroy the King Santa!
SANTA BLAMB: Right! Destroy All Santas, Vol. 4, Issue #6. [via Rusty Robot]
GILLIAN: I didn't know that! I was never into Xmas comics ...
Meanwhile, in Texas ...
 
The King Santa was terrifying Sugarmama's niece, prompting one of her readers to link to a picture, taken several years earlier, of the same King Santa with her son. Where will he turn up next?
As for me, I'm back on the serum.
2:15 AM
, # ,
|
|
|
