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Friday, January 07, 2005
Ground Rules
Alice has returned from deep space with her alien lover, Quon'dar, in tow. They are staying at my place.
ALICE: I haven't seen you since the summer. What's new in your life?
BLAMB: I have new glasses. And I saw a moose!
QUON'DAR: Primates look funny when they wear corrective lenses.
BLAMB: Shut up, Quon'dar. Okay, if you two are going to stay here, we're going to have to establish some ground rules.
ALICE: That's fair.
BLAMB: Rule #1: NO SEX NOISES. I don't know what kind of freaky alien sex noises Quon'dar makes, but I don't want to hear them. One peep and you're out!
QUON'DAR: Aren't you a little prudish for a chimp?
BLAMB: Shut your suck hole, fly breath!
QUON'DAR: You're just jealous 'cause you're not capable of cutaneous respiration.
ALICE: Come on, let's keep this on track.
BLAMB: Fine. Rule #2: Do no eat all of the bananas! If you want bananas, get your own. I need bananas for my sandwiches.
QUON'DAR: Where the hell are we supposed to get bananas?
BLAMB: At the Duff like everybody else. Or the No Frills on Lansdowne. Rule #3: No hanging around during the day. I work at home, so you two need to find something to do during the day so you're not around distracting me.
ALICE: You do a pretty good job of doing that yourself.
QUON'DAR: By sex noises, do you just mean vocalizations or do you mean any noises, like vibrating dorsal bone sounds?
BLAMB: What?
ALICE: He just wants us to keep it quiet, he doesn't mean ....
QUON'DAR: Are we just going to let this guy dictate our whole lives? I mean, who the hell is he to set terms?
BLAMB: It's my apartment!
QUON'DAR: So that makes you Lord God Emperor? Are you going to keep us from voting, from participating in public life?
BLAMB: You can't vote. You're not from this planet.
QUON'DAR: Well, I'm soooo sorry, Lord God Emperor Blamb. I wouldn't want to disrupt the democratic process on your precious, little planet!
BLAMB: Goddammit ...
WHACK! Alice whacked me.
BLAMB: OW!
ALICE: I warned you!
QUON'DAR: Take that, smart ape!
ALICE: Any other rules?
BLAMB: Rule #4: no hitting!
ALICE: Rule #5: no blasphemy!
QUON'DAR: Rule #6: no presenting, grooming or other irritating primate behaviours.
BLAMB: You're dating a primate, you idiot.
QUON'DAR: Our connection transcends the species boundary.
ALICE: Aw, Quon'dar ...
Alice gave Quon'dar a kiss. They started nuzzling. They kissed again. And again.
BLAMB; Oh, bloody hell, get a room.
11:31 AM
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