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Monday, August 22, 2005
The Communist's Daughter
The Green Room
I was thinking of developing a retro personal style and thought that joining the Communist Party might seem appropriately quirky. I met up with Kat to discuss the implications ...
BLAMB: Your parents were Communists?
KAT: Yeah, we grew up hearing about Chito Rivera and Gabriele Veneziano and Cuba and all that.
BLAMB: Veneziano?
KAT: He determined that time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana.
 BLAMB: Is Chito Rivera Geraldo's father?
KAT: Of course.
BLAMB: That means Fidel Castro is Geraldo's surrogate uncle and Jane Fonda his sister.
KAT: I dunno who Jane is, but I'm fonda his sister, too.
BLAMB: So you're a serious, die-hard, gung-ho Commie?
KAT: Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Are you a Capitalist?
BLAMB: I think Ottawa is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.
 KAT: Washington D.C?
BLAMB: Good museums!
KAT: I bet they're building a Museum of Intelligent Design.
BLAMB: If they let Bruce Mau in, I'm boycotting!
KAT: I'd girlcott, but I just loved him in 'Enter the Dragon'. Not so fond of 'Exit the Dragon'. After 'Dragon Closed For the Weekend For Renovations', I got bored and took him off my future husbands list.
BLAMB: You're thinking of Bruce Lee.
 KAT: Did he write The Little Red Book?
BLAMB: That was Jean Chretien.
KAT: He's Chinese?
BLAMB: Oh, Mao Tse-Tung.
KAT: He can say whatever he wants but nobody likes potty mouth. Nobody likes pottery mouth either, the clay gets in your teeth. Don't get me started on those Yuppie Imperialists and their Pottery Barn mouths.
BLAMB: Do they have Pottery Barn in Hamilton?
KAT: They have barns. Ohhhh, sweet Hamilton ... Lenin said the workers of the world should unite; that explains Hamilton.
BLAMB: Yeah, but didn't he also say "Give peace a chance?"
KAT: In the ideological universe, Hamilton is the Black Hole of the Proletariat. That makes Hess Village the Cygnus and the Tim Horton's on Main the U.S.S. Palomino.
BLAMB: I guess that makes Martin Short, Maximillian Schell and Sheila Copps, Ernest Borgnine.
KAT: Hamilton will be the birthplace of the Revolution when the people there quit watching Oprah. And turn into Voltrons.
BLAMB: As if the Proletariat could even afford a revolution. If you're going to bother having a revolution it should be a Quiet Revolution on the cheap.
KAT: You just blew up your chances of being Govenor General. Are you a man or a mouse?
 BLAMB: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out. Hey, what's the difference between a Communist and a Socialist?
KAT: Communists wear pants.
BLAMB: What's your biggest criticism of Marxism?
KAT: When they let Zeppo get serious and sing. And Margaret Dumont.
BLAMB: How could you hate her? She's the Laurie Metcalf of the 20th Century! Is it true that Lucille Ball was a Communist sympathizer?
KAT: I should hope so, if there's anybody who deserves sympathy, it's Communists and dentists. In fact, I got this condolence card for Dr. Steiger, the Communist Dentist. Will you sign it?
BLAMB: It says, "My dear Optometrist, you're in my thoughts, with sympathy."
KAT: That's why he put fillings in my eyes! I guess I gotta stop wearing my contacts on my teeth.
 BLAMB: Are those Communist-issue shoes?
KAT: Sure, they're powered by the scientifical redistribution of pedestrian energy. To each step according to its need, from each sarcomere according to its reaction to excitation-coupling. I just click my heels together and repeat, "There's no place like Hamilton. There's no place like Hamilton ..."
ZOT!
BLAMB: HOLY CRAP! SHE VANISHED!
2:13 AM
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