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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
The Assistant
While I was on break, I hired a personal assistant to help me get organized. Her name is Lily Smitson.
LILY: Hey, Mr. Blamb. Merry Christmas.
BLAMB: Huh? Yeah. You too.
LILY: I said, Merry Christmas.
BLAMB: It doesn't count if you issue it as a challenge.
 LILY: It's not a challenge. It's my right to wish you a Merry Christmas. It doesn't hurt you if I wish you a Merry Christmas.
BLAMB: When you say it in a provocative way like that, you obliterate the spirit of the greeting. And you're the eighth person to do that to me this week.
LILY: There's a War on Christmas going on, Mr. Blamb. We've got to take a stand and defend our rights.
BLAMB: If there's a War on Christmas, how come I get assaulted by religious hymns every time I walk into the Duff? Besides, the phrase 'Happy Holidays' is used and promoted mostly by business because they don't want to alienate customers. It's an attempt to make customers -- including non-Christians -- feel included. And everybody in the Northern Hemisphere has something to celebrate together: the daylight hours are going to start getting longer again after today.
LILY: 'Happy Holidays' is an insult! It dilutes out traditions and advances the secular agenda in society.
BLAMB: Oh god ... and what's wrong with the so-called 'secular agenda'.
LILY: It undermines society. Look at how they took away marriage and gave it to the gays ...
BLAMB: They took it away? So if you met a guy and wanted to get married, you wouldn't be able to? That right was taken away from you?
LILY: They took away the symbolism. They turned marriage into a joke; it's not real marriage for anyone. They're doing the same thing to Christmas, they're turning it into a generic celebration.
BLAMB: Give me a break ...
LILY: [ sob ]
BLAMB: Huh?
LILY: [ sob, sob ]
BLAMB: Are you crying?
LILY: [ weep ] I love Christmas.
BLAMB: Me, too. I enjoy this time of year.
LILY: Then why do you want to destroy it?
BLAMB: Nobody is destroying Christmas!
LILY: [ sob ] I don't want to think of a world without Christmas ...
BLAMB: You know, I don't think this is going to work out ...
LILY: You can't fire me!
BLAMB: I'm not firing you, I just think ...
LILY: You can't fire me for religious reasons. That's discrimination!
BLAMB: Bloody fucking hell.
LILY: LANGUAGE!
11:23 AM
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