Blamblog - Brett Lamb's Blog

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Hype Control

Latest annoying web trend are these "anticipated films" hype lists. These appear to be compiled by fanboys without a critical bone in their thick heads. Here's an example:

I'll be honest - I loved the original X-Files movie from 1998, despite not being a fan of the show. And now they're coming back with what could be an even better and more thrilling story.

It could be better and more thrilling ... of course, it could also be complete crap. But how can you tell? Here to assist you are some second thoughts on this year of "anticipated" films:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Geriatric Profanity Disease
Prediction: It's gonna suck.
Giving Indiana Jones a sidekick in Temple of Doom weakened the Indy character. Giving him a father in Last Crusade made Indy look like a dork. Giving him a son in this new movie -- with Shia LeBoeuf in the role -- should send Indy to his grave without a shred of his remaining diginity.

Star Trek XI
Prediction: It's gonna suck.
Odd-numbered Trek films suck. Although this trend was broken by Nemesis, which sucked in at #10. Still, it would have been smart to release a quick, low-budget #11 and then blow the wad on lucky #12. To guarantee a crappy #11, they could have made a DS9 movie called "Worf's Holiday" or something like that.

Some Kind of Dark Knight
Prediction: It's going to suck.
The only reason the last Batman movie seemed so good was because the ones before it had been so bad. This movie will probably steer things back towards the path of decline. In two more movies, expect Bea Arthur as Mr. Freeze.

Zack & Miri Make a Prono ... AND LOVE!
Prediction: It's going to suck.
Hands up if you're sick of movies about people doing "bad" things and then learning good lessons and getting all soft & cuddly. Hands up if you want to see a movie about people who make a porno and don't fall in love and just spend the money on Doritos.

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Crap-ian
Prediction: It's going to suck.
You know, The Lord of the Rings trilogy wasn't that good. I mean, it was good ... just not good enough to justify the unleashing of the schlock-fantasy tsunami we've endured since then.

Sex in the City: The Movie
Prediction: It's going to suck.
Stars Shia LeBeouf as Miranda's son.

WALL-E
Prediction: It's going to suck.
Pixar has been fielding more and more misses, their formula is familiar and tiresome and they're due for a big bomb. This movie is about a robot who, after a lifetime of repetitive work, finds out that he was created for a greater purpose. Which isn't much different than a movie about a robot who makes a porn movie with a friend, only to discover that he loves her.

Get Smart
Prediction: It's going to suck.
AKA Smart Begins. In this re-work-imagination-ing of the Get Smart tv series, Maxwell Smart is an analyst who gets promoted out of necessity. The premise ruins the movie by assuming that a bumbling secret agent requires an explanation. Expect every joke in the movie to require an explanation (i.e. Agent 99 is Valerie Plame, get it?)

X Files 2
Prediction: It's going to suck.
Stars Shia LeBoeuf as Scully's son.

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