Blamblog - Brett Lamb's Blog

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Life Lessons

Today is the last day of my 30s, and while I could spend the time planning one last trick on Dr. Gideon, instead I'm going to reflect on the life lessons of the past 40 years. And for inspiration, I'm looking to the bright lights of my celebrity contemporaries who are also turning 40 ... and passing judgment on them. Here we go ...

Aniston! Aniston is turning 40 this year, wow, she's old! Jen is the one who taught us all that no matter what, it is possible to love again ... wait, no ... she taught us all that it's impossible to love again. If you muck up the one big love of your life, all you have to look forward to is a rebound with Vince Vaughn. Not that there's anything wrong with Vince Vaughn. I loved Vince Vaughn. In Swingers. Fifty years ago. Before he was booked to star in the movie version of that Just For Men commerical. Verdict: Friends was one of the worst sitcoms of all time.

If there's one thing Kathryn Morris taught us, it's that the police in the past were bumbling idiots. If you pull any cold case off the shelf, you'll find that it's ridiculously easy to solve if you follow the most obvious leads and connect the clearest dots. But not as easy as interrogating a suspect on CSI Miami. Verdict: Please gain 8 pounds and have to dignity to never get a facelift.

Wilson is turning 40? Wow, everyone's turning 40. Wilson taught us the danger of being an enabler. His great performance in Dead Poet's Society reflected so generously on Robin Williams, it enabled Williams to play the same cliched character over and over and over and then Tom Hanks wanted an Oscar and Steve Martin and Jim Carey and eventually an entire generation of comedians turned into a bunch of sanctimonious bores. Verdict: Jury is still out and will convict if Hugh Laurie does Finding Forrester 2.

Were we ever so young? Tonya Harding taught us all that it is possible to love again ... and again and again, in a pornographic wedding video. She also taught us that violence is not the answer and that lesson could have spared the US the grief of Iraq if only George Bush had been a figure skating fan instead of a boxing fan. Verdict: No blood for oil!

You would think that I'd be able to turn 40 in peace, without Friends being on every channel at all hours of the day and night and you would be freakin' wrong. Matt Perry turns 40 having taught us that, given enough time, funny things -- Tom Hanks, Scrubs -- deteriorate into dribbling sap. Except that Chandler was never funny and always wore his neediness on his sleeve and what made the Chandler-Monica thing so sickening was seeing that neediness indulged. Verdict: Almost Heroes.

Marilyn Manson, welcome to the summer of life! No, I'm kidding, Manson has nothing to teach us, I just couldn't find a decent picture of Jason Kay from Jamiroquai. Kay taught us the most important lesson of all in these times of economic uncertainty ... being hard is not being strong (actually, Duran Duran said that). Verdict: Grunge was fake and stupid.

Anyhow, that's it. One more day before I'm off to the summer of my life. Remember kids, never trust anyone over ninety!