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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Canadian Art History Moment
There's history and then there's art history. Here's a tale from the latter:
Emily Carr vs. The Group of 7 Mutoid Dwarfs
with
Brother Lou as Emily Carr
British Columbia, 1924
 EMILY CARR, Canadian Impressionist painter, was painting in the woods one afternoon, as was her routine.
EMILY CARR: Painting, painting, painting! I'm painting in the woods!
Just then, she heard a voice.
VOICE: Emmmillllyyyyyy ...
She stopped and listened.
VOICE: Emmmmmiiiiiillllyyyyy ....
CARR: Who's there? Show yourself!
 VOICE: Join usssssss ... join usssss ...
CARR: Join you? Who?
VOICE: You know who we are ...
CARR: Lawren Harris! Is that you sneaking around out there? AGAIN?
HARRIS: Yeah. You got me.
CARR: I already told you, I'm not joining your little group of fancy-pants ne'er-do-wells! I'm doing my own thing. Besides, I thought you had a sign on the door of your clubhouse saying, 'NO CHICKS'.
HARRIS: You're different, Emily. We want you, we need you. If you join us, our Group of 7 will become more powerful than anyone has ever imagined!
CARR: Humph! And what would you do with this "power".
HARRIS: SELL CALENDARS!
CARR: I can sell my own calendars. Push off!
HARRIS: Emily, I'm not alone this time.
A.Y. JACKSON: Emily, we have come for you.
FRANKLIN CARMICHAEL: This time, we will not accept 'NO' as your answer.
 
HARRIS: We can no longer tolerate your rogue status. You WILL join us!
 J.E.H. MACDONALD: Tom Thompson tried to refuse us; look what happened to him.
CARR: Are you THREATENING ME?
FRANKLIN CARMICHAEL: We are the Group of 7! We make up our own rules.
CARR: Well, I'm not about to take orders from a mealy-mouthed little twerp like you, Carmichael.
CARMICHAEL: Why, I oughtta ...
HARRIS: I'm sorry, Emily, but you ARE coming with us. Okay boys, surround her ... don't let her get away.
JACKSON: Get her!
CARR: I'm ready ... bring it.
The Group of 7 attacked.
 
A wallop to the side of the head sent young Franklin Carmichael spinning. He hit the ground with a thud and lay unconcious. Carr jerked her arm back and her elbow caught MacDonald in the throat. He collapsed, choking. The others fell in turn until she and Harris were left locked in a vicious struggle.
HARRIS: Why do you fight us? Why do you deny glory?
CARR: Why is this so important to you? Why can't you leave me be?
She squeezed her hands around his throat.
 HARRIS: [ choking ] The calendars! It's the calendars!
EMILY: What about them?
HARRIS: 94.23% of the calendars in this country are decorated with the artwork of that sappy-assed sentimentalist Krieghoff! It sickens me!
EMILY: Krieghoff? That's what this is about?
She released her grip.
HARRIS: [ gasping ] How can you sit by and watch our nation be degraded by his cutesy little scenes? And he's been dead for fifty years! We, the Group of 7, have committed our selves to a new art! Art that will stand the test of time and remain popular for calendars and greeting cards for ALL TIME!
Carr pushed Harris away. He slumped, exhuasted and started to sob.
 EMILY: You're insane.
HARRIS: Maybe I am insane. Maybe it's crazy to think that the calendars of this land could be liberated from such a dud as Krieghoff. I am an idealist ...
EMILY: I will not join you ... for now. I have much work to do here. But I will consider your request, and maybe ... someday ...
Harris brightened.
HARRIS: That is all we ask.
Carr grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet.
CARR: Come on, let's go help the others.
Emily Carr finally exhibited with the Group of 7 at the National Gallery in 1927. Today, calendars featuring the artwork of the Group of 7 outsell all others. Krieghoff was reincarnated and lives today as kitsch nature artist, Robert Bateman.
This has been your Canadian Art History Moment!
Other exciting episodes from Canadian History:
Mutant Bear Attack in Upper Canada
The Biomechanical Insectoid Dionne Quintuplets
Trudeau's Long Walk in the Snow
2:00 AM
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