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If you're in a neighbourhood served by a Gleaner paper, grab a copy and check out the annual parks report. In the icons accompany each park review, Zack makes an appearance.

 

10:56 AM , # ,

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Found

Just leaving The Louvre ...

Sharky looked uncomfortable. He stopped.

SHARKY: I have to take a leak.

BLAMB: I'll wait out here. Maybe I'll get a drink.

SHARKY: You don't have to go, too?

BLAMB: I'm ok.

SHARKY: You're sure?

BLAMB: Just go! I'll wait right here.

Sharky looked nervous.

SHARKY: Ok ... be careful.

Sharky went into the loo and I stood and waited. Suddenly, I saw my sister up by the entrance. She waved. I walked towards her.

BLAMB: That's funny, I wonder how she found me? [walks over] Hey, what's up?

She grabbed me by the throat and the voice that hissed at me wasn't hers. It's was Quon'dar.

QUON'DAR: I told you to wait at the hotel!

BLAMB: [ choking ] I ... had ... to ....

Quon'dar started marching me towards the exit.

QUON'DAR: Go back to the hotel and wait like I told you to! Don't you see it? That shark is using you. Don't you know who he is?

BLAMB: [ choking ] I ... have ... to ...

QUON'DAR: Tell me where Glume is. I will speak to him myself. Do as I tell you. Alice would still be alive if she'd listened to me ...

CLONK!

Quon'dar slumped. Sharky had clubbed him over the head with a brick. People around us reacted to the sight of a Great White Shark clubbing a young woman over the head with a brick.

BYSTANDER #1: The terrorists!

SHARKY: Let's get outta here!

 

1:00 AM , # ,

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Eat Local Challenge

Kelly is encouraging everyone to participate in the Eat Local Challenge and has all the links you'll need to get started.

 

8:14 PM , # ,

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The Strange Case of Professor Otto

The Louvre

Sharky and I were leaving the Louvre. He was explaining the strange fates of Professor Otto and Doctor Glume.

SHARKY: Several years ago, Professor Otto became involved in this affair when his friend, Doctor Glume suddenly disappeared ...


Above: (left) Professor Otto searches Glume's abandoned records, (right) Patrick Swayze and Alice discuss dreams

BLAMB: I remember that. Alice was having weird dreams and there was a group of mysterious figures showing up in various places. There was an incident in the parking garage of the Duff ... wait a minute, could they be the same figures who confronted Alice & I the night she was killed?

SHARKY: Glume felt he was on the verge of discovering some great, ancient secret. But others had learned of the prgress he'd made, so he went into hiding and sent his nephew to contact Otto.


Above: (left) Otto met with reporter Carl Cabe in Seattle, (right) Otto learned of mysterious signals from Deidre Brown.

SHARKY: While tracking Glume, Otto met with a reporter and an astronomer. From them he learned of mysterious psychic signals coming from outer space.

BLAMB: And those signals were the cause of Alice's dreams?

SHARKY: Do you think it's a coincidence that the following year she was abducted by aliens?



BLAMB: The signals ... QUON'DAR!

SHARKY: I think he was recruiting Alice for his mission.

BLAMB: That's crazy! What mission?

SHARKY: Quon'dar knows what Glume discovered ... and WANTS TO TAKE IT!

 

5:30 PM , # ,

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Doom & Glume

The Louvre

Sharky McFinn and I were standing in front of the so-called magicalistic "Tablet of Hoth". It's not really magic, but it is mysterious.

SHARKY: The name of the man who understands what is written on this tablet is Dr. Fredness Reinhardt Glume.

BLAMB: DOCTOR GLUME! He's HERE? In Paris?

Dr. Glume was alive. In Paris.

SHARKY: You know him?

BLAMB: Of course I know him! He used to appear on my blog the first year I had it. But I haven't seen him in years. I thought he was dead.

SHARKY: He lives secretly under the Paris Opera. We must seek him out! Let's go!

BLAMB: How is he involved in all of this? He used to have a friend, Professor Otto. Is he involved, too?

SHARKY: Professor Otto is dead.

BLAMB: [ shocked ] What? How?

SHARKY: I'm not exactly sure. I retraced his activities right up to the point when he disappeared in Seattle ...

BLAMB: Tell me what you know.

SHARKY: Well, three years ago ...

UPDATE: Lou requested a link to the original posts: they're here, [courtesy of the Internet Wayback Machine ] but they were posted in the days before I had permalinks, so scroll down!

 

11:00 AM , # ,

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Summer Sci-Fi Geek Out

Scotty is dead. Did Voyager even have an engineer? Speaking of dead, now that Trek is dead ... er, resting ... Star Trek.com is continuing to carry the torch and helping me realize how much I don't give a damn about Kes, Chakotay, Neelix, Dr. Holographic Jar Jar Binks ...

Where does Neil Gaiman get his ideas? [via Jenv] I will bet you a shiny metal toonie that he gets his ideas out of his ass!

Next year's Superman movie [via Trent] picks up where Superman II left off and will use the original musical score. I will probably enjoy the movie for that reason alone. Wait a minute ... doesn't that make this movie Superman III? I wonder who's playing the Richard Pryor role, the child-like genius computer hacker?

Which reminds me, Season 4 of Smallville was pretty much a waste of time, eh? The first three seasons set a pretty quick pace and covered lots of ground ... what did season 4 accomplish besides turing Lana into the most irritating character this side of Firefly ...

Here's the Serenity trailer. It's 64.5% lame but the version I saw in the theatre had 38.7% of that lameness edited out. It looks like a cliche-fest except it's a Western ... or it would be a Western if all the characters weren't total fops. Which they are. I dunno, I tried to watch Firefly but it just didn't gel, y'know. Firefly? What kind of name is that? Serenity is even worse. Serenity. Serenity. Serenity. It's a Western. Serenity. You figure it out.

Okay, enough crap ...

Season 2 of BSG is running on Friday nights! And near the end of season 2 of Battlestar Galactica, the rag tag fleet runs into the Battlestar Pegasus, borrowing a page from the original series (the day the Cylons attacked was a bad day for Cain to quite sniffing glue). Hear that sound? It's the sound of a million geeks spooging.

Okay, quickie BSG reviews:
EPISODE 1 Frak, what a great show. Second season starts with a bang, keeping the tension cranked right up. Flashbacks with Adama and Tigh are groovy, nice stuf with Tigh overall ... his character continues to be the best on the show. Excellent space battle near the end.

EPISODE 2 Cyclons board the ship. Things somehow get even more tense and the running tally of remaining humans shown at the opening is set to drop again. Great Tigh moment when he figures out the Cylons' plan. GEEK BONUS: Phillip Glass is Starbuck's dad.

I kinda miss the Space:1999 homage in the opening.

Do you think Season 3 of Arrested Development will be influenced heavily by the Da Vinci Code? And do you think it should be? And do you think Tom Hanks should be banned from ever making a movie again?

SciFiDaily blog is great. They have a snap of the new Doctor's duds. BBC has a load, too. I dunno, it's treading a bit close to some of the loonier post-Tom Baker outfits. Or maybe it's an homage to Baker, sans scarf? It's fine I guess, just comb his freakin' hair already. Eccleston is gonna be a hard act to follow. Here's the CBC page.

Quick War of the Worlds review:
The sum of its parts doesn't add up to a whole. There's lots of good stuff, but at the end, it's an unsatisfying mix and has a hokey ending with people hugging and kissing and being friends again and everything. Updating the story to a contemporary setting makes the aliens' plan look stupid ... if they're so damn technologically superior, you'd think they would have guessed that alien microbes would be an issue. A better approach would have been a straight adaption of the novel set in the time it was written with a less technologically advanced Earth and Mars dukin' it out. Then maybe we could buy the microbe thing.

The good: Tom Cruise. He may be a Scientological nutjob, but he does a great job of taking his character from a cocky jerk to shock to shell-shocked and down from there. At the start of the movie we learn that his blue-collar character is the best crane operator there is ... if that was supposed to be a joke, it was lame. If it was supposed to make us think his character is cool, it was lame. Speilberg is lame. Special effects are good and most of the time the flick does a better job than most not looking "computery". The actor playing the daughter is good, the action is good, the pace is pretty good but loses steam at the end.

The bad: The kid playing the son and his character in general are both unforgivable Speilberg schlock. The film is top heavy like most recent Speilberg movies; all the good stuff happens in the first half and the second half just sort of yawns. Remember JAWS, Steve? Remember how it built to a great big finish? Of course you don't.

Ok, this is the end of the post ... right ............... NOW!

 

9:13 PM , # ,

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A Message in Stone

Continued from last time ...


The Louvre

I was following Sharky McFinn through the halls of the Louvre.

BLAMB: I don't get it, what do George Lucas and Harrison Ford have to do with this place? What's the connection?

SHARKY: You'll see! It's amazing. I can't believe it.

BLAMB: You keep saying that ...

We passed by a crowd waiting to see the Mona Lisa.

SHARKY: See, see, look at her. She knows what's going on. What do you know about George Lucas?

BLAMB: He's a hack, seduced by the dark side of technology.

SHARKY: What do you know about George Lucas and the Knights Templar?

BLAMB: Knights Templar! If you're going to tell me that people are getting killed and we're running from the cops in Paris because of a bunch of loony conspiracy theories, I'm catching the first plane home.

SHARKY: George Lucas is obsessed with the Knights Templar. His films are chock full of Templar references. The Jedi. Remember how the Jedi are killed in Ep III? That's based on what happened to the Templar.

BLAMB: So?



SHARKY: Well, when we unlocked the code, it all made sense.

BLAMB: None of this makes sense.

SHARKY: But it does! I think these clues are leading us towards the greatest treasure the Templar ever possessed!

BLAMB: What? A DVD version of Star Wars where Han shoots first?

SHARKY: That's why we're here, LOOK!

BLAMB: Big deal. It's an old Eygyptian stone tablet.

SHARKY: The Tablet of Hoth!

BLAMB: It's not called that! Hoth is the ice planet in Empire Strikes Back.

SHARKY: Like I said, Lucas sprinkled Templar references through his work. Dagobah, for example, is a reference to King Dagobert.

BLAMB: But the label doesn't call it the "Tablet of Hoth".

SHARKY: Of course not. No one has ever been able to make sense of this tablet. Well, almost no one.

BLAMB: You know someone who can decipher it?

SHARKY: I do. And he's living RIGHT IN THIS CITY!

 

1:37 PM , # ,

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On the Blogs

Remember what I wrote about linking? The value of linking [via Blogebrity].

Spicer on Toronto Unlimited:

... it's unappealing and boring. For example, in the brand story they mention that "[t]he city’s unique diversity has quietly exploded into a variety of attractions that are unmatched elsewhere", and yet we have plain-looking ads with no character.

And, Toyota chooses health care. Eat local challenge.

Jen is now Jen. Bren graduated. Fouwerty. Someday soon, I'll be there, you'll be there and what's gonna be on your list?

My PANIS!

A game the elves and I used to play to kill time when I was Santa at Fairview comes to the web.

So, now you know.

 

10:23 AM , # ,

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Back Home ...

A small-town wedding.

 

1:57 AM , # ,

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Online Persistent Suburbia

"Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery."


Gant flies, considers rental options.

I tried Second Life after it was linked on boingboing the other night. Second Life is a persistent virtual world and would make a interesting "what not to do" case study for future machine overlords. All the pieces are there -- it's technically and visually brilliant -- but the system falls apart on values, organization and structure.

Someone could write a book about what's wrong with the place. I'm going to use TRANSPORTATION to illustrate how and why this thing flops.

In Second Life, transportation options are unlimited. You can walk, run, fly and if you want to get somewhere quickly, teleport. At first glance this may sound useful but it ignores an old truth: the journey is the fun, not the destination. Being able to fly and teleport takes the fun out of exploring. Because you can get anywhere you want without any effort, travelling loses its value and seeing the sights isn't interesting because it removes the feeling of reward. Placing limits on how avatars can travel by employing an hierarchy of travel methods would make the world much more interesting.

Here's how a transportation hierarchy could look:

BASIC (Free): Walk & Run
MASS TRANSIT (small fare): Bus, Streetcar, Subway
COMMUTER (larger fare): Train, Airplane, etc
PRIVATE VEHICLE: limited only by cost of vehicle
SUPER POWER: Flight

The personal power of flight should only be available for those who have excelled in the world and earned it. That gives flight value. And the value is flight should be very, very high, available only to an elite few.

A transportation network would solve some of Second Life's other problems. A transportation network requires infrastructure such as streets and stations where strangers meet in passing. If you're a newbie and want to meet others, what better place than on a train ride across town? Right now, people seldom meet in passing because they're flying around in a big, empty landscape and if confronted, can easily fly away. You're much mroe likely to talk to someone if you're sitting next to them on a train.

The current configuration really only encourages meeting people through direct confrontation. But that's not how we meet people in real life, often we meet friends and acquaintances while engaged in activities. There often isn't a sudden, initial confrontation, typically we see them around the 'hood from time to time, get familiar with them and eventually meet. The lack of "wander and bump" is a large barrier for newbies.

Sprawl is a big problem in Second Life. Because there are only two real challenges in Second life: make money or make friends, the world is skewed and the result is a place of mostly empty malls & flea markets with "For Rent" signs in the windows, casinos and -- the most popular establishments -- fetish dance clubs.

Having a transportation hierarchy would curb the hellish sprawl. If transportation has value, building close to others becomes a priority and a more compact urban form would be the result. This is desirable because, again, it increases the opportunities for meeting others and would make the place feels less "empty".

Here an example of a potential scenario that is ruined by the unlimited transporation. Say a player wants to create an eccentric, wise old avatar who lives in a remote cave on top of a mountain and doles out wisdom to those who visit. In the current system, you just fly up and over, check it out and yawn. But with a transportation hierarchy, it becomes a journey: you take a bus to the train, take the train out to the wilderness, rent a jeep to get into the interior and finally, climb the rest of the way. When you finally reach the wise old fool, there's a sense of accomplishment and the story of your journey, "And then, when we finally got there, it was just some naked idiot who wouldn't chat!".

Imposing naturalistic limits on some other systems would also improve the world. One thing that would benefit from this Good & Evil. The set of Second Life laws impose good behaviour on everywhere and takes away the choice to do good or evil ... even 'God' give us that! And if there's no evil, is there still good? Instead of explicit rules, there should be a natural set of consequences for doing good or bad ... but that's a whole other post.

One last thing: Avatar creation is GREAT (see my giant, Gant, at the top) and shouldn't be changed (except enhanced ... I would have liked an eyewear option).

 

3:10 PM , # ,

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When you read/hear the corporate gibberish the creators of the Toronto Unlimited "brand" are capable of, it's no surprise they turned out such piece of junk. According to this weekend's Star, Tourism Toronto CEO Bruce MacMillan even refers to the city's citizens as "humanware", as in, "Toronto's humanware is blossoming."

Yeah, but its brand stinks.

And it's not just the logo and the tagline; everything we've seen so far is lame. It doesn't reflect the character of this place. Watch the launch video. It's about as literal and flat as it gets ... and why did they hire a smoker to narrate it?

Some of the crap mentioned isn't even true: alternative sources of energy are no longer alternative? A large portion of our electricity is generated by coal ... COAL! Coal isn't alternative! But this brand isn't concerned with reality, to defend it from the negative reaction the creator's even concocted an urban legend claiming that the I <3 N Y logo was disliked when first unveiled and other fibs.

The issue is covered on this excellent blog and refuted with bafflegab on this one. The Who Designed It? post shows how corporate groupthink is dominant force in this affair. The other problem was that the city insisted that the brand evoke the waterfront, which is ridiculous because the city is not the waterfront (which is frozen solid and ignored for half the year).

Thumbs down.

 

1:30 AM , # ,

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Vice Guide to Toronto

Speaking of BlogTO, they linked the Vice Guide to Toronto the other day. It's incomplete, but covers the basics:

Unlike in big American cities, people in Toronto can actually read. They don't make you feel self-conscious for using four-letter words and they can discuss controversial politics without jumping up and down and screaming "Nazi!" like a baby girl. There also seems to be a pretty high comedy standard. You can riff with bartenders like you're at a sleepover and even people on the bus seem inordinately high on the comedy ladder.

Don't miss the Do's and Don'ts Guide or the race-baiting in the comment threads. Bramledesh? That's pretty funny, haven't heard that one ten-hundred bajillion gazillion times already ...

There are also city guides to New York & LA.

 

11:26 AM , # ,

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Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sunny Saturday Sandwich

 

9:12 AM , # ,

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The Interview

My blog is the blog 'o the week at BlogTO.

Just for the record, in the unused answers, I included plugs for GTA Bloggers, Rannie, Eva, Jen & Storm. And crap, I intended to change that stupid "they have the power" sentence ... what a terrible note to end on. I'm to blame. The last question and answer were supposed to be:

11) You wake up and discover you're a flesh eating zombie. Now that you're undead, who are you gonna mange first?

I will start by gnawing off my own legs, because Whitney Houston taught us that learning to love yourself is the Greatest Love of All.

Learning to love yourself also involves snorting a lot of coke!

 

1:16 AM , # ,

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Friday, July 22, 2005

PASS

Tonight was my fitness instructor evaluation at the gym (I started the course back in January) and I passed. WHEW! I was a nervous wreck and mixed up several chunks of the routine, but I survived to type these words. Big thanks to Adina, Karen and Paul who showed up and lent moral support! Now I've gotta practice and get better 'cause I'm going to lead a regular class starting in the fall.

Feels so good to be done ... er, started ...

 

8:34 PM , # ,

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Two Blooks

Zack's not a blog reader, so he's getting caught up by reading Tony Pierce and Raymi's blog books. They just arrived in the mail.

 

12:27 PM , # ,

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Top Ten Web Fads

CNet's Top 10 Web Fads list [ via /. ] is interesting, if not somewhat suspect. And some of them are sad, following up. Check out the Hampster Dance site to see how something simple and fun can mutate into a disgusting monster.

The list isn't terrible ... but JibJab? Come on. They had one, mildly funny hit (and it became irritating like a bad rash after three or four viewings) but most of their stuff is bland pap. They're firmly planted in the middle of the road.

And JibFreakinJab gets mentioned but not Fark or B3TA? Or Hoogerbruge? Actually, the list is kind of lame since they mix sites and fads together. Wait, this list is complete crap. Give me my five minutes back!

 

5:46 PM , # ,

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Cycle On!

It's been six months since I started that fitness instructor's course and tomorrow --- TOMORROW! -- I'm having my final evaluation. I have to lead an actual, hour-long spinning class. I'm just about to head over to the gym now to do my last rehersal.

I've put together and 80s mix for this one. I'm working on different sets of music: a 70s set, 80s set, 90s set, 00s set and a set of music that's so bad, it's ... er, bad. The only decade that's giving me trouble is the 90s, so if you can recommend some fast 90s stuff, it would be much appreciated.

Here's what the class will be listening to tomorrow night, in order of appearance:

I'm an Adult Now - Pursuit of Happiness
Roam - B52s

Fire in the Twilight - Wang Chung
Arias & Symphonies - Spoons
Valley Girl - Frank Zappa

Syncronicity - Police
Life During Wartime - Talking Heads
Baby I'm a Star - Prince

Preacher Man - Bananarama
Impressed - Charlie Sexton
Are You Receiving Me? - XTC

Overkill - Men at Work
Abracadabra - Sugar Ray
Be Good to Yourself - Journey

The Beautiful Ones - cover of Prince song by some woman ...

I think I might need one more cool down song for the end, but we'll see how it goes this afternoon. I think it's not a bad mix, it gives everybody a little bit of what they might like while keeping the pace up. Whaddya think? FIRE AWAY!

UPDATE: Just got back from the gym, did the full hour and the mix is TOO DAMN FAST! And fast in the wrong spots. Going to have to juggle a couple of songs and slow a few down by 5-10% before tomorrow night's class. But for my first attempt, I'm happy with it.

 

3:35 PM , # ,

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AZ vs. BO

Remember when Ann Coulter insisted that Canada went to Vietnam? Well, here's a video of AuntieZ taking on Bill O'Reilly at Crooks & Liars [ via Weisblogg No.5 ]. SLAM!

 

12:13 PM , # ,

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

On the Blogs - Pilots! Edition

Stuff from the freshly-linked blogs:

You blew me up, you bastard! Today's ideas today.

This day in space: He's dead, Jim. Scotty isn't really dead, he's just trapped in the pattern buffer.

After peaking in the 80s, my name is facing a serious decline and is threatened with extinction. "Brett" is not a name for the ages ... how's yours doing?

When she was young, she never needed anyone and making love was just for fun, those days are done. [bum, bum, bum, bum ... ] ALLLLLL BBBBYYYYIIIIIEEEE MIIIIEEEEEEESELLLFFF ...

.. but if you like pina coladas ...

A rare sight! Three great warriors at one place and imprisoned!

Rocketboom wants your stories.

Finally, photoshop this haircut ... here's mine:



Ladies & gentlemen, THESE are your Wednesday evening links!

 

7:57 PM , # ,

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They Wrap Horses in Pastels, Don't They?

The phone rang. It was Mr. Loaf.

MR. LOAF: Hey buddy, how's it hangin'? You still rockin'?

BLAMB: I never rocked. You know that.

MR. LOAF: Just being polite.

BLAMB: Hi, Mr. Loaf.

MR. LOAF: I haven't talked to you guys in ages. Been reading your blog, can't wait to find out what happened in Paris. How's things, buddy? What are you up to?

BLAMB: I visited the Spoke Club, tonight (RobotJohnny was there, too). That might be a place you'd be interested in.

MR. LOAF: What is it?

BLAMB: It's a private, invite-only club for the city's arts and media crowd. "Celebrities" and people like that. I think they offer memberships to out-of-towners. You'd like it.

MR. LOAF: Would I?

BLAMB: Yeah, it seems to be geared towards Boomers. I saw a few members and they were variations of the same white-haired, khaki Dockers and pastel-coloured-shirt-wearing man. They must enforce a dress code that matches their website.

MR. LOAF: That's not me.

BLAMB: That's who you became as soon as you sang that, "Sex, drums and rock n' roll." line.

MR. LOAF: Aren't you ever gonna fuckin' let that drop? So I switched the lyric, what's the big deal?

BLAMB: On the other song you sang that you're not "politically correct" and then you ...

MR. LOAF: I KNOW! I FUCKING KNOW! YOU'VE WRITTEN ABOUT IT ON YOUR BLOG TEN MILLION TIMES ALREADY! JUST DROP IT!

[ silence ]

MR. LOAF: You still there?

BLAMB: Yeah.

MR. LOAF: Okay, tell me more about this stupid club. What's it like inside?

BLAMB: Well, the parts I saw looked a little 'Forest Hill cheap'. The interior design was fighting the building instead of embracing it. Too much white paint and ugly hipster furniture, not enough wood. There were also some crazy chandeliers and bad, white plexiglass "art". Before it was the Spoke, it was the offices of Infinet Communications where Merv worked. Back then it was comfortable, spartan loft space.

MR. LOAF: And you think that would appeal to me?

BLAMB: I dunno, you celebrity big shots like some pretty weird shit. I went to a party at some swanky club a few months ago and there was a group of slick bouncers watching the door and they greeted you in an extra-polite -- almost grovelling -- manner and you could tell that they'd been trained to be obsequious to cater to the coke-fueled egos of the club's regular patrons. It may make you feel like a bigshot, but it creeped me out.

MR. LOAF: Hey buddy, I'm the real deal.

BLAMB: You celebs get a taste for grovelling and like it.

MR. LOAF: Whatever. You think you know shit, but you know what shit you know? You know no shit. That's what shit you know. Tell me more about this club.

BLAMB: We were in the library room. If I was part of their target demographic and had a tour of the place, I'd walk out as soon as I saw the "library". You'd think that a library would be the central feature in a club for the arts and letters crowd, but their bookshelves were an afterthought.

MR. LOAF: Get out, buddy. What were they like?

BLAMB: If it were a section in a bookstore, it would be called the "Baby Boomer Fatigue" section. It was just a tired, bland selection without any character. It was like a bunch of books gathered up from their members' attics. And they didn't have any sci-fi. The newest book I spotted was Barrel Fever. You know when that was popular?

MR. LOAF: No.

BLAMB: 1995.

MR. LOAF: You saw the bookshelves of your country's "cultural elite".

BLAMB: In this case, the elite who organized this joint are a lawyer and a guy who runs a grocery chain ... so really, it's not a big surprise. Who knows, maybe they have another library besides the library.

MR. LOAF: I still think I'll sign up.

BLAMB: Yeah, I'm shocked.

MR. LOAF: Last time I was in your city, I wound up sleeping on your floor and sitting around in a community centre playing cards with Quon'dar and a bunch of WWII vets. If I sign up for this, I can avoid the riff raff and hang there during the day!

BLAMB: You know, if people want to start little private clubs and do their own thing, that's fine with me. But don't try to tell me that this club is for the "cultural elite", cause it's not, it's a place for the "culturally stagnant". It's cheesy at best, at worst it's a place set up by rich kids hoping some "culture" will rub off on them without having to get their hands dirty. The place is a parody of "culture". Culture does not happen in a sterile, pastel clean-room.

MR. LOAF: I wrote Paradise by the Dashboard Light in a gritty, stinking hole!

 

1:20 PM , # ,

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Starburst Porn

Mmmm ... sugar-based porn action. [via Paul who is on vacation ... he did this flipbook thing, too]

 

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The Lucas Lode

The Louvre, Paris

SHARKY: So explain it, what does this code mean?

We'd been presented with a code:

aCK! CURioUs MoNKeY, FaileD FoUl!

aCK! Best BUilt FolliCle sPaWN!

HiT8Xie!

btw, find Blamb

BLAMB: THX1138 is the key. It provides the context for the first two clues.

SHARKY: I don't see it.

BLAMB: Curious Monkey. Who is a curious monkey?

SHARKY: Curious George.

BLAMB: Right. And who is the Failed Foul?

SHARKY: Howard the Duck. It bombed at the box office.

BLAMB: And Lucas was the executive producer of that film. George Lucas.

SHARKY: Faschinating! And the second clue?

BLAMB: What's the Best Built?

SHARKY: Ford builds the best built American cars!

BLAMB: Correct! And what grows out of a follicle?

SHARKY: Hair.

BLAMB: So a Follicle's Spawn would be ...

SHARKY: It's son ... hair's son ... Harrison! Harrison Ford!

BLAMB: George Lucas and Harrison Ford. I don't get it.

I don't get it.

SHARKY: No! It's perfect! That's why we've come here! These are the clues we needed! It's all starting to make SENSE!

Quick recap if you're confused/just joined us: After spending six months in deep space, Alice returned with an alien boyfriend named Quon'dar. They crashed in my spare room, sharing it with 70's rock icon, Mr. Loaf. Alice and Quon'dar broke up and moved out. She started seeing some other dude. He seemed to be trouble. Quon'dar supposedly left the planet, but we spotted him on the street. Alice had nightmares. Someone was following her ... then she was killed. Quon'dar rescued me and sent me to France. I met Sharky McFinn, who promised to help me solve this mess. And on it goes ...

 

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Monday, July 18, 2005

Neverending Humid Hell

I was just at the Duff getting coffee and the Coffee Girl said:

I miss winter.

 

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Art of the Reaction Shot

The Lake

I was getting Merv to pose for blog post photos ...

MERV: How do you want me to pose?

BLAMB: Gesture with your hand and pretend we're having a conversation.

MERV: You always show people using the same hand gesture.

BLAMB: Which hand gesture?

MERV: This one.

BLAMB: Yeah, it makes it look like we're talking. It adds a bit of energy to the pictures and makes them more interesting to look at.

MERV: But it's always the same gesture! You even had Amber pose that way last weekend.

BLAMB: No I didn't! She was reading the newspaper. It's in your head, I vary the poses ...

MERV: Look at these, just a few from the past six months:







BLAMB: They're reaction shots. They're pictures of people reacting. Gestures help express the act of reacting.

MERV: Maybe you need to find new ways for people to reacte.

BLAMB: I have. I've shown people holding beer, drinking coffee, playing guitar, pointing guns, playing console video games, pouring syrup, rocking out, clasping hands, working on the computer, smiling ...

MERV: Okay, okay! You don't have to get defensive.

BLAMB: I'm not being defensive, I'm defending myself. I'm demonstrating that your accusations are wrong.

MERV: They're not wrong. That hand gesture appears more than any other pose.

BLAMB: No it doesn't.

MERV: How else do people pose?

BLAMB: Um ... on the phone.

MERV: How many times?

BLAMB: Three.

MERV: How else?

BLAMB: Drinking coffee.

MERV: How many times?

BLAMB: Twice.

MERV: Are there any other poses that appear more than once?

BLAMB: Playing videogames. Twice.

MERV: So, people appear using that hand gesture more times than the next three poses combined! Ha ha ha!

BLAMB: Well, maybe the gesture can be my blog's signature pose.

MERV: I think it already is.

 

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

On the Radio

Marc will be talking about blogging again on CFRB1010 tonight at 11:30.

UPDATE: Marc is about to start talking, I'm going to blog about it live!

UPDATE #2: Um, they're talking about politics. The guys on the phone sound a bit on the nutty side of chesnut ...

UPDATE #3: What blog do you go to for the truth? Huh? I think we know the answer to that question.

UPDATE #4: Now the host is going off on a wacky rant about how we think that we're superior to past generations because we have a "hyper-sexualized" culture. WTF? I'm sorry, I've heard this crap about our culture being "hyper-sexualized" and I think it's just complete rot. Sex is a big part of life, get over it already.

UPDATE #5: The host's name is Andrew "Hyper-sexuality Makes Me Sad" Krystal.

UPDATE #6: Marc says that he consumes most of his media info through blogs ... which is pretty much true for me, too.

UPDATE #7: Some guy named Steve phoned into a phone-in show about blogs and pretty much admitted that he doesn't read blogs and now he's spouting off on his own rant about the media and saying absolutely noooooothinnnnng ...

UPDATE #8: Marc likes boingboing.

UPDATE #9: Some stoner just phoned in. I think that's it. Marc wrapped up on a good note saying something about the differences between mainstream media priorities and blog priorities.

THE END.

 

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Saturday, July 16, 2005

Dock Reading

Went up to the lake for a few days to get away from the heat and read The Green Room (Gutter Press), Moe Berg's collection of short stories (buy online here). The stories are relationship stories with a very Toronto-flavour and some of them are excellent and funny, some of them are excellent and painful.

Berg was the first local "celebrity" I used to spot on a regular basis when I first moved to the city, spotting him around the Vaughn & St. Clair area at the tail-end of the 80s when Pursuit of Happiness was popular. He's still a regular sighting, but local celeb-spotting ain't the sport it used to be when I was fresh off the farm: I'm an Adult Now. [mp3]

 

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It's a Dog

This is Moose, my cousin's Husky. Moose is as powerful as he is goofy. And he's very talkative and has a great howl.

My mom has a favourite story about Huskies from when we lived in Australia when I was a little kid. We were visiting the Taronga Zoo in Sydney one day and some of animals on display were ... Huskies. Which led to this conversation:

MOM: Those are Huskies.

AUSSIE: From the arctic.

MOM: But they're just ... DOGS!

AUSSIE: Yeah?

MOM: People keep them as PETS!

.......

Speaking of zoos, last time I was at the Toronto Zoo I saw plenty of the behaviours described in this article. And the zoo itself is looking pretty trashy these days ...

 

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

What Is It?

Can you guess?

If you guessed Merv's German Shepherd bite, you were right!

Other guesses:

cat bite? (...or kat bite? Rawr.) - Kat

West Nile? - Rannie

SARS infected mosquito bite? - Christie

Your mom's wrist? - IQ (go to her site -- doesn't the ice cream on her banner look like John Malkovich?)

Comet Tempel 1 just before Deep Impact? - Darryl

The surface of Mars? - Maria

Okay, does this have anything to do with the dating challenge? (Looks suspiciously human to me... though those two puncture marks scream 'VAMPIRE'!) Ooh! Or two leaches - do we hafta guess which lake? - Storm

Dino bite? - Tawcan

My guess: a child's bite. (Been there.) - Gushue

Homeless man? Irritated after you refused to give him a twoonie? Homeless vampire? - Paul

The Virgin Mary! Cut your arm off and sell it on eBay!!! - Sharkboy

Not a guess, but a compliment:
I don't know, but I hope I don't get affected through the site. Funny post though. Very interesting. - The Complimenting Commenter

 

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High Value Link Farming

Bad habits: Tony quits pot.

This [via Christie] will make you pee yourself:

Shell******03: David???????
SundayChurch4me: David did slay that awful giant
SundayChurch4me: but that Giant Golith was God's creation
SundayChurch4me: so David failed
SundayChurch4me: and was condemed to hell
Shell******03: is this david
SundayChurch4me: David a biblical character
Shell******03: no person typing
Shell******03: is this david
SundayChurch4me: yeah, you got me

You think you know everything? [via Jenv]

Eva follows through.

Dear Raymi, the book.

Merv's new banner is groovy.

Finally, season 2 of Battlestar Galactica begins FRIDAY!

 

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Better Than Anyone, Anyone I Ever Met

The fact of the matter is, Kinsella's blog would be 10,000% better if he had the goddamn permalinks. Remember this exchange from a few months ago?

BLAMB: Permalinks.
KINSELLA: No.
BLAMB: Permalinks.
KINSELLA: No.
BLAMB: Permalinks.
KINSELLA: No.
BLAMB: Permalinks.
KINSELLA: No.

Without permalinks, it's only half a blog. Those little permalinkies give each post their own life and a potential future. It frees them to be referenced, cross-referenced, re-referenced and referenced again. So, it's a good thing he's participating in Comments Please, a group blog gathering together posts from a murder of Canadian media schmoes:

Witty. Thought-provoking. Contentious. All this and more could be said about these leading Canadian pundits. Unfortunately, probably due to concerns of over-trolling, they do not allow comments on their own blog.

CP allows comments ... and has permalinks! The punditoids include:
Gunter, Wells, Kinsella, Radwanski, Zerbisias and Mercer.

Ok, back to the matter at hand. Warren wrote this today:

One of Canada's best bloggers - the blogger whose blog I aspire to ape, bloggily-speaking - is Brett.

Well, he's not doing a very good job of it ... the aping, that is. Let's face it, Warren may have a gazillion more readers than me or you, but his blog still needs some freakin' HELP. So here are some observations -- but I'm not going to reinvent the wheel -- relevant feedback is pulled from How to Blog:

REVIEW: WARREN KINSELLA LATEST MUSINGS

HTB 8. dont worry very much about the design of your blog. image is a fakeout.

Crap, the first relevant point and I already disagree with Tony. Your blog design should match your character, it doesn't have to be good design, but it should give us a sense of your style and personality. Image makes an impression, it counts.

So what's with Kinsella's design? It's freakin' GREY with a grey-blue bar. This isn't Paul Martin's blog, this is Kinsella. Punk. The Prince of Darkness. And he has an accountant's colour scheme. Same problem with the name, "Latest Musings." Musings? How punk rock is that? About as punk as my ass. The name and design would be perfectly acceptable for someone's kindly, old Santa Claus-like great-grandfather .. or maybe Scott Mills, but they don't suit Kinsella.

HTB 12. link like crazy. link anyone who links you, link your favorites, link your friends. dont be a prude. linking is what seperates bloggers from apes. and especially link if you're trying to prove a point and someone else said it first. it lends credibility even if youre full of shit.

Actually, he's been getting better at this. I'm putting this up here to remind the rest of you of the importance of the linking. LINK!

HTB 13. if you havent written about sex, religion, and politics in a week youre probably playing it too safe, which means you probably fucked up on #5, in which case start a second blog and keep your big mouth shut about it this time.

HTB 15. dont be afraid if you think something has been said before. it has. and better. big whoop. say it anyway using your own words as honestly as you can. just let it out.

I wish Kinsella would spend less time sniping and trying to score points and more time giving us background, context and useful info for our overall good health.

HTB 17. people like pictures. use them. save them to your own server. or use Blogger's free service. if you dont know how to do it, learn. also get a Buzznet account. several things will happen once you start blogging, one of them is you will learn new things. thats a good thing.

I've written about this before and I will keep hammering it home 'cause so few bloggers get it: POST PICTURES! Some days I feel like reading tonnes and tonnes of text, some days I just feeling like browsing the pics. Sometimes a good pic will pull me into a post and I'll read it. A wall of text gives me a headache.

Kinsella posts pics from time to time, but most days his blog is a wall of grey text. Original pics are a key ingredient of my blog. It takes a bit of work; sometimes I have to lug the camera around when I don't feel like it, I always hate asking people if I can take their picture and the photoshopping is a chore. But I do it.

HTB 19. push the envelope in what youre writing about and how youre saying it. be more and more honest. get to the root of things. start at the root of things and get deeper. dig. think out loud. keep typing. keep going. eventually you'll find a little treasure chest. every time you blog this can happen if you let it.

Same as #13, less Paul Martin sniping, more ... stuff.

HTB 20. change your style. mimic people. write beautiful lies. dream in public. kiss and tell. finger and tell. cry scream fight sing fuck and dont be afraid to be funny. the easiest thing to do is whine when you write. dont be lazy...

I can write about whatever I want on my blog cause I'm a freelancer and low profile and if I write a confusing story about going to Paris and hanging with a shark, nobody really cares (except maybe Eva). It would be interesting to see how far and wacky a public figure could push a blog.

HTB 22. when in doubt review something. theres not enough reviews on blogs. review a movie you just saw, a tv show, a cd, a kiss you just got, a restaurant, a hike you just took, anything.

Good idea.

HTB 23. constantly write about the town that you live in.

And photograph it. Where does Kinsella live? Beats me. He's in Ottawa and Montreal sometimes. I'd like to see Ottawa and Montreal pics. I'd like to see pics of things in Ottawa that the political insiders get to see.

28. tell us about your friends.

What's John Tory really like? And how does he get his hair that colour?

 

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Flipbook

Something fun, make your own flipbook animation. [via Christie]

 

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Continuation of the Continuing Story Continues

Amber and I were reading the Saturday papers.

BLAMB: Apparently, black is the new black.

AMBER: Hey, what happened in the story you were telling about telling your friends about what happened in France?

BLAMB: Where was I?

AMBER: You had just escaped from the police and were on the run. There was a shark with you.

BLAMB: Well, it was a sunny afternoon and we were relaxing in the shade. Neil and Jan thought the whole tale sounded preposterous ...

Two weeks ago


NEIL: You escaped from the police because they thought you looked like some guy from CNBC? That's preposterous.

JAN: This whole story sounds like some silly thing you made up ...

Before I could continue, Amber cut in.

AMBER: Who do you look like from CNBC?

BLAMB: Nobody. It's part of the story, you'll see.

AMBER: And who was Cecile? And where's Quon'dar?

BLAMB: It's all part of the story.

AMBER: Okay, keep going.

BLAMB: I was arguing with Neil and Janet about the truth of my fiction ... er, story:

Two weeks ago

BLAMB: It's true!

NEIL: There are a lot of gaps. Who was Cecile? Where's Quon'dar?

JAN: What about that scrambled word? What did it mean?

BLAMB: Only the first two lines were encoded. Can't you see it?

H1T8X13

JAN: Is it some kind of pin code?

BLAMB: If you unscramble the letters, they form this:

THX1138

NEIL: The title of a George Lucas movie.

BLAMB: Exactly.

NEIL: What does it mean?

BLAMB: That's the key to unlocking the first two sentences. Once you figure it out, they make sense. Can you see it now?

NEIL: Wait ... yeah! It's so OBVIOUS!

Back in the present ...

AMBER: It's not obvious at all!

BLAMB: The clues reveal the great secret artifact that we'd soon encounter.

AMBER: It's not going to be something lame, is it?

BLAMB: It's going to be REALLY AMAZING.

AMBER: Really amazing?

BLAMB: Sure, why not?

AMBER: 'Cause if it ends with you babysitting Jesus' grandkids, you can quit now ...

 

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LUCEEEEEEE!

Some Shatner for your Sunday.

 

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Link For Health

"We've got military recruiters all over the place, asking parents to send us more of their kids," said Donald Rumsfeld, "I guess no one wants to party anymore."

PICARD.

OUCH.

WOOF.

 

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Thursday, July 07, 2005

On the Run

Paris, France

Sharky and I narrowly escaped being captured by the police and were on our way to the Louvre. We had in our possession a strange code ...

4CK! CUR10U5 M0NK3Y, F41|3D F0U|!

4CK! B357 BU1|7 F0||1C|3 5P4WN!

H1T8X13!

BTW, FIND BLAMB

BLAMB: We've got to get to an internet cafe. I think this code is written in "leet". If we can get on the internet, we can use a leet translator to decipher it.

SHARKY: I see.

BLAMB: But why isn't that last part coded? Why add that on?

SHARKY: I'm pretty sure that part of the message was meant for me.

BLAMB: YOU?

Who is Sharky McFinn?

SHARKY: Yes, you see, my name isn't really Sharky McFinn ... that's an alias. My real name is Bernard Theodore Wainright.

BLAMB: BTW!

SHARKY: Exactly.



The train stopped, we exited and dropped in to the closest internet cafe.

BLAMB: Ok, let's translate this sucka!

The words appeared on the screen:

aCK! CURioUs MoNKeY, FaileD FoUl!

aCK! Best BUilt FolliCle sPaWN!

HiT8Xie!

SHARKY: Interesting. But that last bit didn't translate.

BLAMB: But don't you see? IT DID!

 

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Summer Sandwich

On hot summer days, keep your sandwich cool.

 

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On the Blogs ...

Merv reports on swimming dogs and Mom breaks her wrist!

Maria has another glimpse of FATMAN. I wonder if he works from home?

WWTCD?

Yellow hat at night, sailor's delight. Yellow hat in morning ... I don't even know what I'm typing. This is just some sort of blog post. Hey, speaking of suave, Bruce is coming.

Actually, whenever I see those freaking ipod "earbuds" on some preening fool, I have this irresistable urge to smack them in the freakin corker.

Jett continues to ... er, heal.

Finally, the tower, the tower!

One more: Christie in court!

 

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

 

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

The Slip

Eiffel Tower

Sharky and I stepped off the elevator. The police who had gathered backed off. One of them approached us.

CAPTAIN HEUREUX: Pardon, Monsieur CNBC. I'm am Captain Heureux. We are tracking a fugitive murderer ... it is very important that we find this person.

BLAMB: Um. Yeah?

CAPTAIN HEUREUX: You are not here because of this situation?

BLAMB: Um. No. I'm just checking out the view.

The Captain looked puzzled.

CAPTAIN HEUREUX: Very good, sir. We must get back to this. The fugitive must not be allowed to escape.

BLAMB: Um. Okay. Good luck.

We caught the second elevator to the ground.

SHARKY: Well, I can't give you five stars on your crap performance, but we made it.

BLAMB: Why didn't they stop us?

SHARKY: They had you confused with someone else.

BLAMB: Monsieur CNBC?

SHARKY: Yeah, whoever the hell that is. We've got to move, it won't be long until they figure out their mistake.


Sharky & I caught a train in the RER station.

BLAMB: We have to get to an internet cafe.

SHARKY: What for?

BLAMB: We need help.

I need help.

SHARKY: No, there's no time. We have to get to the Louvre.

BLAMB: Why do we need to go THERE?

 

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BTW

It was shocking, the final photo was a close-up photo of the woman's leg. Written in tiny black letters was one final message:

BTW, FIND BLAMB

Sharky pushed me into the elevator.

SHARKY: It seems that someone has tipped off the police. They know you're here.

BLAMB: Crap, this makes me look like I did it! But I wasn't even in the country when it happened ... I can't be the killer.

SHARKY: Yes, but you've been implicated.

Implicated.

BLAMB: We're never going to get past the cops ... freaking bloody hell!

The elevator doors opened. The police were waiting for us.

 

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Tonight

One more reminder ...

Street Fight, winner of the Audience Award at both Hot Docs and Tribeca, airs tonight on POV on PBS. It also won Best International Documentary at Hot Docs.

Also worth a look: Kirby Dick interviewed at Rocketboom.

Murderball hits theatres this month. The trailer is a bit "Yay, America!"-cheesy, but don't let that stop you from seeing the film.

 

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Secret Message

Where was I?

Right. Alice had been killed by mysterious forces and I was telling Neil and Jan about my trip to France where I wound up on the trail of one of history's greatest artifacts ...

There was something shocking in the photos Sharky had shown me.

BLAMB: Did she write those?

SHARKY: Before she was killed, yes.

In the police photos the woman's sleeves were rolled up and two messages written in black pen were revealed:

4CK! CUR10U5 M0NK3Y, F41|3D F0U|!

4CK! B357 BU1|7 F0||1C|3 5P4WN!

H1T8X13!

BLAMB: Huh?

SHARKY: It's some sort of riddle. Or code.

BLAMB: Have you figured it out?

SHARKY: No, that's why you're here. I sense that you may be able to figure it out.

BLAMB: Me?

People started gathering at the railing and looked over the edge towards the ground. Police vehicles were pulling up and blocking off the area under the tower.

SHARKY: We've got to go ... but look at that last photo ...

BLAMB: What? Why did she write THAT?

 

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On Death & Blogging

Marc covers it at Weisblogg #5.

 

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Monday, July 04, 2005

 

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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Updates

It's a weekend of web renovations!

The Happy Creature page is back with a fully updated archive. That site was hosted on my Rogers account and went down when they made some changes.

The Ms. Johnson archives have also been updated (but still lots of gaps). Er, but nothing new at The Ed Locke's Grandpa Show ...

Also, more pics on my flickr page, including the moose.

 

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Blamblog Pix

Blamblog Pix, my daily image blog, launches NOW! It's not strictly a photoblog, I will be posting all sorts of images there. So keep watching ...

I've started a flickr page, too. Go, internet!

 

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Saturday, July 02, 2005

Uncle X4

Hey, I'm an uncle again! Dorothy, Trent & Jacob are now joined by Justin. Whew, more kids ... they're everywhere.

 

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Friday, July 01, 2005

Happy Canada Day

Those Candid Camera-style comedy segments produced by the Just for Laughs comedy festival are everywhere. And they're not funny. Despite repeated attempts to revive the hidden camera prank genre, like the Western that format rode off into the sunset long ago. The Just for Laughs bits are a product the same forces in our national psyche that led to the sponsorship scandal, Bruce Mau, ROOTS clothing, Stephen Harper as a national leader, the Vancouver Olympic logo and that American in Canada show.

They diminish us all. Happy Canada Day, enjoy it while you can.

 

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