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The ride grew bumpier as we approached the heart. The sub's engines found it more and more difficult to compensate for the pumping movement and the deep beating noise grew louder and louder.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: We're close to the heart now.

LT. ARMCHAIR: We've got to get out of this vein and into the body cavity.

We gathered on the bridge and viewed a holographic projection of the heart pumping. Every time the image pumped, we could hear a thud reverberate through the hull of the ship.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: [mutters]
Here all suspicion needs must be abandoned,
All cowardice must needs be here extinct.

JEN: Nothing can escape it, not even ... er, blood.

ULTRA-BABY: I sense something. We're not alone.

LT. ARMCHAIR: There, look! Zoom in.



The holographic projection zoomed in. The sillouette of a large submarine was visible just outside of the right atrium. Despite the intense suction from the heart, the sub was not pulled in.

LT. ARMCHAIR: A ship!

BLAMB: Forget about it. Maintain course, get us out of this vein.

JEN: But how does it just sit there?

ULTRA-BABY: Admiral, we should take a closer look.

BLAMB: [shaking his head] Captain, how close can you get us?

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Right on top of her.

BLAMB: Take us to within 3 kilometres ... but if it gets too bumpy, pull back.

As we approached the sub, it became harder and harder to resist the flow of the blood.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Crap, I think I lost it. We're being pulled in!

There was a sudden burst of speed as the current caught us. But just as we got close the sub, the force ceased and we floated gently to a stop. The engines powered down. The large sub appeared to be dead in the water and abandoned. We shone a spot light on it and surveyed the wreck.

And then the lights turned on.

LT. ARMCHAIR: It could be an automatic system. The docking port is online.

BLAMB: I don't like it, but we're here now.

We docked and boarded the sub to investigate except for Jen, who I assigned to stay with the Atrocia in case we needed to make a quick getaway.

The sub seemed deserted. We followed a corridor and emerged in a large control centre. The ship appeared to be operated by a team of robots.

LT. ARMCHAIR: [to the Robot] A ship of robots. You must feel right at home.

SECRET STORM: Not all robots, Lt. Armchair!

A tall chair swivelled around. Sitting in it was Secret Storm. She was dressed as a pirate.

STORM: Welcome, to the H.L. Hunley, Mark D.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Hunley D? Wasn't the Hunley a submarine used during the US Civil War?

STORM: The orginal was the first submarine ever used in a successful military attack. A predecessor of this vessel. My "crew" and I liberated it from the Confederates.

LT. ARMCHAIR: But we don't understand? What are you doing here? How is it that you are able to keep from getting sucked into the heart?

STORM: We have technology ... too complex to explain. We are about to embark on the greatest journey! A trip through the human heart!

LT. ARMCHAIR: But that's insane! This sub will be crushed, no matter what technology you're using.

STORM: That is where you're wrong, Lieutenant. For tonight, we make the great voyage. Our test ship has already returned from several runs and the data has been analysed. We are ready.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Amazing.

The Captain was snooping. She looked at one of the robots and stared at its face plate. She reached out ... when she opened the face plate, she stepped back and gasped in horror.

BLAMB: What is it?

CHRISTIE: They not robots at all!

Everyone turned and looked.

CHRISTIE: They're bunnies! Soft, little bunnies that have been turned into zombie android slaves!

STORM pulled a weapon.

STORM: You could have come with us! You could have seen the other side!

Suddenly there was a crash and the sub shook. Something had struck it. Out of the windows, we could see ship debris hurling past. We heard clanging and thuds as the debris hit the Hunley. The sub shook and everyone fell to the floor.

My radio crackled.

JEN: There's a tonne of wreckage heading towards us ... I have to get clear or the Atrocia will be hit.

CHRISTIE: Stop her!

STORM: None of you move!

The was another impact. A beam feel from the ceiling and pinned Storm.

STORM: Ack!

BLAMB: JEN! Stay docked ... Jen? Jen? JEN!

We were hit again and the sub rolled. The android bunnies fell from their chairs. I ran to a window just in time to see the Atrocia undocking. The hull of a wrecked sub crashed into it and sent it spinning out of control and it went hurtling towards the atrium and was sucked in. We were hit again and the Hunley started spinning.

LT. ARMCHAIR: We've got to get to that test ship! It's our only chance!

SECRET STORM: Nooo!

We ran towards the rear launch bay. Back in the control room, Storm was alone, trapped under the beam. The bunnies hopped over to her and startled snuggling. They were soft.

SECRET STORM: Help me, bunnies! Help me!

But all the bunnies could do was cuddle.

The test ship was small but tough-looking. It looked like a little van with eight large jet engines attached to it.

CHRISTIE: It's going to be tight, but we'll squeeze in.

Everyone climbed in the sub except for Armchair.

CHRISTIE: What are you doing?

LT. ARMCHAIR: The sub needs to be manually deployed from the bay. Those hoses need to be released and the bay doors opened from the control room.

CHRISTIE: Fine, I'll do it.

LT. ARMCHAIR: You're going through the heart. It's going to be a rough ride. They need someone who can control this thing.

BLAMB: What's going on? Let's go!

LT. ARMCHAIR: I'll be fine. Go.

The Captain saluted Lt. Armchair one last time.

CHRISTIE: Come on, Dave.

The test sub's engines fired up and a bright blue flickering glow came from slits in the ship's side.

Armchair released the hoses and ran to the control room. The bay doors opened and the test ship flew out towards the heart.

And we were sucked in.

 

9:40 AM , # ,

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Friday, October 29, 2004

Trek? Is that you?

Holy crap, I just enjoyed an episode of Enterprise! That's never happened before! I've found the show bearable and sometimes somewhat interesting with signs of potential ... but I've never had a good time or actually laughed during it.

So maybe there's hope for this season.

It looks like they pulled out the ol' textbook for Sci-fi 101 and got back to basics. Some of the good stuff in this one:

GOODIES FOR GEEKS
Sticking in the green, Orion Slave Girl as a nod to the orignal series makes people feel warm and fuzzy inside. Same goes for references to the Eugenics Wars and having Spiner as the guest star.

GREED
The big problem with last year's storyline was that the Xindi didn't want anything ... they were simply acting out of fear that they'd be destroyed. Lacking any true passion, it made them a little dull and pathetic ... like Bajorans with an extra layer of make-up. In this episode, people wanted things: Augment Dude wanted his brother's honey, the Orion's wanted slaves, Soong wanted to improve the species, Tucker wanted T'Pol, T'Pol wanted the big green guy to stop shaking her ... people are interesting when they want something, and in this episode there was a nice range of passion, from Tucker's slow burn to the Augments' hot desire. People are dull when they not want something, such as Xindi not wanting to be destroyed or Brannon Braga not wanting to learn how to make a show dramatic instead of lame.

GET POMPOUS
In sci-fi, the best baddies are the over-the-top, pompous wackos. Take Babylon 5 as an example: the first season of that show featured a parade of snooty villains with overdone British accents. See for yourself, say these word aloud in your best British accent:

Commander Sinclair, I have come to destroy your mind! With my brain!

See? It's fun!

Watching tonight's episode, I laughed every time the Augments had a scene. They were puffed up, they had ridiculous accents and they overacted in every scene ... remember the line when the guy says, "I pulled you from the river ..." Funny stuff! I would have been sorry seeing that character die if I hadn't been enjoying it so much (he gives his brother a priceless , google-eyed stare right at the end). It's really saying something when the bit actors playing the second-string characters upstage Spiner as a Soong character.

FUN STUFF
Finally they relaxed enough to get a little silly and have some fun. I mean, bloody hell, it's Star Trek ... why were the first three seasons so damn serious? And all it took were a few little things, such as the pathetic loser ensign crying in the cage (if he'd been wearing a red shirt and had been killed, I would have cracked open the champagne right there!), the details of having the Augments being able to take phaser fire and being able to open Soong's door bare-handed and the scene where the Augment grabs Archer by the throat and says that he'll "Rip it out!" ... in a groovy, bad accent (funny reference to Sting's big scene in Dune).

If this is the clean slate, if this is what the show is going to be like this season ... well, golly gee, there may be some life in the ol' mofo yet!

 

8:54 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +10:19:48

We entered a fast-moving vein and made good time towards the heart.

I read up on our quarry, the EAGLE. None of it made sense. Before joining the military, he was accomplished in his field, on top of the world, practically a superstar. Then, one day he gave it all up and enlisted. He was over 40 when he did basic training. He rose through the ranks and made Major. That was when they sent him to fight inside Kenny Rogers.

And something changed him.

I browsed diary entries and reports, trying to figure out why he decided to go off and fight the war his way, somewhere in these files there had to be an answer ...

ULTRA-BABY: [via telepathy] Turn on the radio, you should be receiving a signal.

We turned on the radio and sure enough, there was a signal coming from a Union Army camp just ahead of us. It was garbled.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: We need fuel.

LT. ARMCHAIR: It will take us off-course.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: I think we should check it out. Why would there be a base up here?

JEN: There are small outposts scattered throughout the torso to keep the supply lines open between the limbs. The Confederates control most of the torso ... but they don't own it.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Ok, let's go look.

We slowed. Ahead of us was a camp. It was dark and spotlights swept back and forth, madly. The vein was clogged here and soldiers were frantically trying to unclog it. Weapons fire was going off all around. We could hear shouting and screaming and moaning ... and hysterical laughter.

We docked and went to find the CO. Armchair and the Captain went to get supplies.

I found a solider who looked like he might be in charge ... of something.

SOLDIER: Every day the Confederates send a wad of lard up the vein to clog it, and every night we clean it out!

BLAMB: Who's in charge here?

SOLDIER: Look at that. Can you seen it? They really plugged it up this time!

BLAMB: Who is your commanding officer?

SOLDIER: The CO? Nelson? No, Johnson ...

A shell exploded close to us. The soldier started shaking.

BLAMB: We're going up river, closer to the heart. Do you know the safest way up there?

SOLDIER: Stick the the veins, man. Go fast, don't stop. Whatever you do, don't stop!

A motar fell on a bunker and exploded. There were screams and machine gun fire.

SOLDIER: [shaking] Can you take me with you?

I went back to the sub. Meanwhile, the Captain was trying to secure fuel.

CHRISTIE: I need a few drums of deisel.

SUPPLY CLERK: [shell-shocked, hyper-ventilating] Oh! Oh! No problem ....

He grabbed a clipboard, his hands were quaking.

SUPPLY CLERK: So, who's your little friend, there?

CHRISTIE: [looks around to make sure no one is watching, then whsipers] That's Dave.

SUPPLY CLERK: Hey Dave, how's it goin', man?

CHRISTIE: He doesn't say much, he's a turtle.

There was an explosion. The clerk shrieked. The team working on the vein had cleared a small hole and the blood slowly began to flow.

SUPPLY CLERK: Turtles are cool. They're always at home. Ha ha ... ha heh .... uh ... er ... little joke. Sorry, Dave.

We met back at the sub.

CHRISTIE: Ok, we've got enough fuel to get us the rest of the way. Let's get out of here, this place is nuts.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Did you find the CO?

BLAMB: There's no CO.

 

9:01 AM , # ,

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Thursday, October 28, 2004

Jesus People, Loving People

Get it, loving people? WWJD?

[photo by Merv's friend, Chris]

 

11:51 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +10:02:12

Dr. Chip regained conciousness lying in the middle of a battered Confederate fort. Body parts strewn around the ground suggested that the Ice Wraiths had enjoyed a snack. Wraiths circled in formation above the fort, their tentacles fluttering. Then, Dr. Chip spotted the dark sillouette of the Ice Queen near him. She walked towards him.

DR. CHIP: Listen, you! Listen! I don't care about your shoes or Kenny Rogers or blogs or Civil Wars ...

The Ice Queen stood directly in front of him, her face hidden in shadow.

DR. CHIP: I only wanted the gold! Don't you understand? I'm only here for the GOLD!

The Ice Queen snorted, a puff of steam blew from her hood and crept up, around Chip's face.

DR. CHIP: Gold! Kenny Rogers has gold fillings in his teeth.

The Ice Queen didn't move.

DR. CHIP: When we got to the head, I was going to hijack the ship and mine the gold from the teeth. The robot's software is infected with a virus that will put him under my control. I don't care about a lousy pair of running shoes!

The Ice Queen nodded. She waved her hand and turned. A group of Ice Wraiths closed on Dr. Chip, one bit his shirt and lifted him on to the back of another Wraith.

And they swam off.

 

10:02 PM , # ,

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Back in the Pooooo Hole ...

To get in the mood for Hallowe'en, here's an oldie but a goodie: OUTHOUSE [Flash, 900kb].

While I was fishing that out of the archives, I stumbled on something even scarier: remember BOYDDANCE? The man, the myth, the same stupid dance!

 

9:41 AM , # ,

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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +09:12:54

The sub was tilted on its side. Dr. Chip and the Robot lay on the wall. Water was leaking through the door from the flooded compartment. Dr. Chip was bleeding in several places, gasping for breath and wet.

DR. CHIP: The pain! The pain!

ROBOT: DR. CHIP. YOU SAVED ME ...

DR. CHIP: Not another word from you, you soaking sack of circuits! [spits up more water]

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY IS ON THE BRIDGE. SHE SAYS THAT PEOPLE THERE ARE ALIVE.

DR. CHIP: Let's go then. No use hanging around here with you for the last moments of my fading life.

ROBOT: DR. CHIP?

DR. CHIP: What is it now?

ROBOT: THANK YOU.

DR. CHIP: [snarls] Robots like you aren't cheap, you know. I was just trying to keep us on budget.

Up on the bridge, things looked grim.

LT. ARMCHAIR: We've taken heavy damage.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It's getting hard to steer. She's wobbling all over the place.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Where are we?

LT. ARMCHAIR: Somewhere in the large intestine.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Is there anywhere we can stop? Anywhere we can take a breather?

JEN: We're in Confederate territory until we reach the brain.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: We won't make it like this.

Nobody said anything else. We travelled for another hour. I struggled to think of a solution, but more and more I saw that it was very probable that we would live out the rest of our days inside the large intestine of the gigantic, hyper-dimensional Kenny Rogers who had infested my blog.

Another hour passed. And another. Some of the crew nodded off.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Admiral!

There was light in the distance. As we got closer, we saw an 1860s-style, Southern plantation in front of us.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Are the Confederates colonizing the large intestine?

JEN: And have they brought slavery with them?

LT. ARMCHAIR: It doesn't make sense.

CAPTAIN: Well, if we're going down, let's go down fighting. I SAY WE RAM IT!

BLAMB: Wait. Just take us in.

CAPTAIN: Admiral!

LT. ARMCHAIR: Sir, are you saying ... surrender?

BLAMB: All of you, all of you have risked enough. This is my blog. I'll find a way to get you back home. Take us in.

We parked on the front lawn. And stepped out.



Eva walked out to greet us. She was dressed as a Southern Belle.

EVA: Welkom op de plantage.

DR. CHIP: I beg your pardon?

EVA: Excuse me. Welcome, y'all! Won't y'all come in for some tea, y'all?

BLAMB: Of course. But Eva, why are you here?

EVA: This here's my home, y'all.

She turned and walked towards the mansion. The rest of us just stood and gaped.

EVA: [turning back] Well, come along, y'all!

Inside, we sat and drank tea at a table with Eva and a group of her other guests who included Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton and Paris Hilton.

MICHAEL JACKSON: Paris lijkt op een klein jongetje.

PARIS HILTON: Niet waar!

BILL CLINTON: Ik vind dat ze er als een vrouw uitziet!

EVA: Ahem. [smiles at her guests]

CLINTON: SWITCHING TO ENGLISH MODE. Sorry about that.

HILTON: [to the crew] You see, the Union Army will not succeed in Kenny Rogers because they are fighting a 20th Century, out-of-the-body war against a 19th Century, inside-the-body enemy.

CLINTON: The Confederates were able to adapt quickly inside Kenny Rogers because they did not share the conceits of a modern army addicted to technology and stifled by conventions of professionalism.

JACKSON: And they have nice uniforms.

Clark Gable walked in.

GABLE: Talk, talk, talk! That's all we ever get from you rubes!

He sidled up to Eva.

GABLE: You think you've seen the last of me, you think I'm just going to walk away! Well, my dear, as much as you may be a snotty, spoiled little turnip ... you haven't seen the last of Herbert von Fluffner.

JEN: Herbert von Fluffner?

DR. CHIP: [aside, to Blamb] Sir, I'm not sure, but I think this entire place and all of these people are just a giant simulation. None of this is real.

BLAMB: No kidding. What about Eva? Is she real?

DR. CHIP: I can perform a simple test to find out, sir.

BLAMB: Do it.

DR. CHIP: Excuse me, miss. Do you mind if we perform a short interview?

EVA: Do you mind if I smoke?

DR. CHIP: It won't affect the test. I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

EVA: Ok.

DR. CHIP: You're watching television. You notice that there's a wasp on your arm ...

EVA: EW!

DR. CHIP: Um ... right. You're reading a magazine. You come across a fullpage photo of a nude girl.

EVA: Are you testing whether I'm a simulation or a lesbian, Dr. Chip?

DR. CHIP: Just answer the question please ...

EVA: I don't want to ...

Dr. Chip rolled his eyes and stood up.

DR. CHIP: She's real. She's not a simluation like these bozos.

GABLE: Bozo?

Simulated Clark Gable ran over, grabbed Eva and kissed her.

EVA: But Herbert, did you hear? I'm real!

GABLE: Frankly my dear, I don't give a darn!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Damn!

GABLE: ... Damn!

The Captain suddenly shuddered.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It's Ultra-Baby. She says that we have to get back to the ship! She says it's an emergency!

GABLE: Not so fast, y'all.

The simulated celebrities pulled out handguns, grabbed the crew and held them at gunpoint. Gable grabbed Eva.

GABLE: We've repaired the sub and Eva and I are using it to get out of here, see?

EVA: Herbert, no!

GABLE: I'm sorry, but this is the only way we can be together!

Gable dragged her to the door.

GABLE: You idiots, you don't know what you're missing! We'll see things you people wouldn't believe! Attack ships on fire off the shores of the bronchial tubes! We'll see seabeams, glittering in the dark in the iris of the eye! All of those moments will be OURS!

Gable opened the door.



A waiting Ice Wraith chomped down and bit off the top portion of his body. Tiny little gears spilled out. Before Gable's simulated legs could fall to the floor, Ice Wraiths crashed through the windows of the mansion.

BLAMB: Get to the sub!

Armchair grabbed Eva.

LT. ARMCHAIR: You're coming with us!

EVA: No! I can't leave! I can't leave them! They're like my family!

An Ice Wraith gobbled Bill Clinton whole.

ARMCHAIR: They're not your family! Cant you see? They're not real! None of this is!

Bob Marley was chewed up by a Wraith.

EVA: NO!

ARMCHAIR: DAMMIT! THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!

The Captain reached the sub first.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: What's our status?

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT THE WRAITHS HAVE NOT SEEN US YET. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IF WE LEAVE NOW, WE CAN ESCAPE!

Outside the window, they could see that the Wraiths were quickly demolishing the house.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Let's get outta here!

The rest of us made it aboard with Eva in tow.

LT. ARMCHAIR: That's everybody!

The engines roared and we surged backwards, away from the estate. The sub started shaking.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Faster!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: If we go any faster, she'll fly apart!

LT. ARMCHAIR: Fly her apart, then!

Soon we were clear ...

Back at the plantation, the house had been levelled and the Ice Wraiths were shredding the trees. A hooded figure in a dark cloak walked up the path towards the ruins. It was the Ice Queen. She stopped at a spot where several Wraiths were circling. There, lying on the ground unconcious, was Dr. Chip.

 

11:40 PM , # ,

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Recommended Viewing

Sean Reycraft's critically acclaimed play ... I'm not joking, it is ... One Good Marriage, is back for another run at Theatre Passe Muraille. Go see it. It's set in our hometown and the local high school. And everybody dies. Oops, I gave away the beginning!

We had movie night on the sub last night and watched TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE. The crew laughed and laughed and laughed. I haven't last so hard since the first time I saw the Terrence and Phillip 'Uncle F*cker' musical number in the South Park movie. We got bloody noses from laughing so hard. The Captain is in the medical bay with bruised ribs ranting 'Matt Damon, Matt Damon..."

 

4:43 PM , # ,

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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

 

11:15 AM , # ,

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Monday, October 25, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: SPECIAL EDITION DVD

What follows is the director's commentary that accompanies the "Submarine Battle Sequence" on the special edition DVD of Assault on Kenny Rogers: Enter Terror Redux.

REGIS: This scene we're seeing now, this is the big sub battle. And I understand that it is the largest sub battle ever mounted on a blog! THAT'S AMAZING!

BLAMB: [dry, pompous, full-of-himself] That's right, Reg. This is the centrepiece of the story and it really needed to pop.

REGIS: And it's all written out on a blog on a computer?

BLAMB: Yes, people can read it on the internet.

REGIS: Isn't it AMAZING what they can do with computers these days?

BLAMB: Yes.

REGIS: OH! That's nice. How did you do all of the underwater stuff?

BLAMB: For this we used the same reactor towers they used to film the underwater scenes in The Abyss.

REGIS: And there's the plucky captain driving the submarine! What a character! Tell me about her.

BLAMB: We cast Heather Thurman in the role of Captain Christie. Heather is a good friend.

REGIS: How did you meet her?

BLAMB: We met in Salem during the Witch Trials. The Time Tube accidentally stranded me in 1692. I lived in a shack and my only form of entertainment was an old Atari 2600 powered by a car battery. I got sloppy and one day the locals found it.

REGIS: I bet they thought you were worshipping demons!

BLAMB: They did and I was tried and sentenced to burn at the stake. In a sheer coincidence, Heather was in town doing research for a paper on the Salem Witch Trials for a Women's Studies course and saw me being burned. That was contaminating the timeline so she went back to the point at which I'd been stranded and rescued me.

REGIS: AMAZING!

BLAMB: Of course, I don't remember any of that because it never happened. But we've been good friends ever since. She's a genius.

REGIS: And the Captain has a friend who is an imaginary turtle. Can you believe it?

BLAMB: The thing about turtles is, they may be slow but they win the race. Imaginary ones win imaginary races.

REGIS: You know, that's what I always tell the young people! I say, "HEY, BE THE TURTLE, YOUNG PEOPLE!"

BLAMB: Yes.

REGIS: OH! The submarine just got hit by a torpedo!

BLAMB: Yes.

REGIS: There's water pouring into the sub and the Robot is drowning! Dr. Chip is saving him! Up to this point, we'd been led to believe that Dr. Chip was a very bad guy.

BLAMB: [still acting like a blowhard] Dr. Chip is an amazing character. Very complex. Many layers. We cast Chad Jorgenson, a good friend, in that role. The character of Dr. Chip has all of the best lines, but Chad really sells them with his performance. He's a genius.

REGIS: AND HE SAVES THE ROBOT! AMAZING!

BLAMB: We had that robot specially built.

REGIS: Now we're seeing the Confederate soldiers being slaughtered and it is BRUTAL! A brutal, brutal scene! Why is this scene accompanied by that techno music that all the kids are listening to?

BLAMB: Well, I wanted to make a statement linking the banality of techno music to the banality of evil. It's a statement. Techno was Hitler's favourite music, you know.

REGIS: Interesting! I did not know that!

BLAMB: Yes.

REGIS: Now, in this scene the Confederate soldiers are being bombed ... with POOP! Why are they being bombed with poop?

BLAMB: I was trying to draw a parallel between the way war consumes people and the way people consume food. See, war takes people ... and it consumes them. You and I take food, and we consume it. In this story, the Confederates represent the consuming force of war.

REGIS: The Confederates really are history's greatest villans, aren't they?

BLAMB: They sure were, Regis.

REGIS: Now, some of the subs have landed and the Colonel is forcing Dr. Chip to go surfing in an artery! THAT'S AMAZING!

BLAMB: I just want to mention that Lori Melner, who plays Brenda, is a good friend.

REGIS: Would you pass the chips?

BLAMB: Sure, here. Lori's also a genius.

REGIS: Your character looks unhappy now.

BLAMB: Well, he still has to find the nebulous 'EAGLE' character and he has doubts about the mission.

REGIS: And the Colonel is now getting some bad news as well!

BLAMB: Yes, they've lost contact with their outpost. All they know is that the outpost was attacked and that the last communication mentions squid.

REGIS: So, it's very, very bad news for the Colonel!

BLAMB: I'm sure it's bad news for everybody.

REGIS: And that was the sub battle. FANTASTIC! Simply an amazing scene!

BLAMB: Now, this next scene requried a lot of ...

 

6:43 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +07:05:49

On the lower part of Kenny Rogers hip bone there was a large American outpost. The base was buzzing with activity. Subs whirled around and gathered in formation, their engines revved up and down. Troops ran back and forth, getting in position. We docked and set out to find the CO.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: I'm looking for the colonel.

SOLDIER: Col. Croomb? That's her, there, sir!

Standing in the middle of the hullabaloo was a woman wearing a tall cowboy hat, sunglasses and smoking a cigar.

BLAMB: Brenda!

COL. BREN: [saluts] Sir! Good to see you, sir!

LT. ARMCHAIR: You know this woman?

BLAMB: Yeah! She's my internet niece. Tough as nails. We're in good hands.

COL. BREN: We're gonna get you through the enemy lines. Don't you worry. Hey, skinny boy. You like to surf?

DR. CHIP: Skinny boy?

COL. BREN: SURFING! Do you surf?

DR. CHIP: I've never surfed in my life.

COL. BREN: There's great surfing in one of the arteries up near the heart! You catch a good burst right as the valve opens and it'll carry you so far ... you're gonna love it.

DR. CHIP: I beg your pardon?

COL. BREN: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT!

DR. CHIP: I DON'T SURF!

COL. BREN: [stops a passing grunt] We're surfing! Today! What are the conditions like?

GRUNT: Sir, it's pretty hairy out there, SIR!

COL. BREN: Hairy shmairy! I want those Commies cleared out of there and I want to see men surfing in those arteries! Got that?

GRUNT: Sir, the enemy predates Marxism, SIR!

COL. BREN: [whacks the grunt on the head] Don't give me your lip! Engels wrote The Principles of Communism in 1847!

GRUNT: Sorry sir! Yes, SIR!

BLAMB: So what's the plan?

COL. BREN: My boys are down in the testicles right now getting all hopped up on testosterone. When they get back here, they'll be juiced! I've also got a team down in the bowel collecting poop so we can shit bomb those Confederates right back to Dixie! Get ready for a real ride! Why don't you come along in my sub?

I went back to the Atrocia to advise the crew of the situation. Jen and the Captain were conferring with some of the soldiers.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: What's that?

SOLDIER 1: Music.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Music?

SOLDIER 1: We blast music at the enemy. Music from over a hundred years in the future freaks 'em out.

JEN: I helped develop that project.

SOLDIER 2: Are you gonna play some Boz Skaggs today?

SOLDIER 1: Aw, that didn't scare 'em! I was thinking of Van Halen. Or the Doors.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: You could just drop David Lee Roth on top of them. That would end this war real quick-like.

JEN: Here, this remix of Blue Monday will probably do the trick.

Jen played a little for them. The soldiers looked at one another and said, in unison: Uh, that's different ...

JEN: What? Does music from ten years in the future scare you?

I climbed into Col. Croomb's sub. The side of it had an airbrushed painting of an eagle. It's beak was open and filled with sharp teeth. The effect didn't really work ... the entire interior was covered in purple velour. Fuzzy dice hung above the pilot's seat.

The Colonel sat beside me.

COL. BREN: [into her headset] WIND 'ER UP AND LET 'ER GO!

The engines of a hundred subs fired up and the water filled with foam. They pulled from their moorings and the fuel lines and power cables fluttered in the water like the tentacles of a big, black anemone. I could hear the deep rumble of the subs through the hull. Then the music began.

I see a ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn’t for your misfortunes
I’d be a heavenly person today

Aboard the Atrocia ...

ROBOT: WHAT IS THE CAPTAIN DOING?

DR. CHIP: [covering his ears] She's singing along. She's singing along at the top of her lungs. This is it, I think we're all finally going to die!

Ahead, in the distance, I could see faint flashes, fire from the Confederate cannons.

 

3:45 PM , # ,

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Recap

The story so far ...

Here's what happened: back in September, my blog was infested by a horde of Phil Collins but the noble Jedi Knight, Scooby Kenobi, used the Peter Gabriel Neutron Bomb to clean 'em out. And all seemed well and good and I went back to eating my seasonal candy ...

However, the Peter Gabriel Neutron Bomb weakened my blog's immune system and a month later it became infected with a 180 km tall, tran-dimensional Kenny Rogers. The solution to the problme was to hire a submarine and a crew, enter Kenny Rogers' body through the large toe, and start the long trek to his brain to find a solution.

The crew consists of a bunch of bloggers:

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE, an ace pilot
DAVE, her imaginary pet turtle
LT. ARMCHAIR, someone with some sort of expertise
DR. CHIP, a greedy and somewhat untrustworthy medical officer
JEN, our science officer
ROBOT, a robot
and ULTRA-BABY, a telepathic super-being

As soon as we entered Kenny, we were detained by a fleet of US military submarines who informed us that the Confedrate Army had found a dimensional doorway from the year 1862 that gave them access to Kenny Rogers and now the Americans were refighting the US Civil War inside the singer. In exchange for an armed escort, I agreed to "neutralize" a US operative, codename: EAGLE, who had gone off and was fighting the South his way.

We continuted up the leg and had our first run-in with the frightening Ice Queen, whose minions nearly destroyed out sub. After a narrow escape, we resupplied at the knee and are now just about to rendezvous with our escort at the hip. From there, we cross into Confederate territory, which we must travel through to get to the brain, the EAGLE and home.

THIS WEEK: Kenny Rogers is off the blog ... OR BUST!

 

9:21 AM , # ,

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Sunday, October 24, 2004

SLAM! BAM! OUCH!

Jen ... can I call you Jen? ... let's an ex have it for blogging about their past "relationship". He's probably jealous that he doesn't get to enjoy this scene of domestic bliss: booze and falling alseep to movies on a laptop. [nsfw, domesticity pron] I bumped into them at the grocery store the other day and they had the same story, "Oh, we're going home and making dinner!" Sickening.

Did you hear that dull roar today? That was the sound of men all across the southern US reacting to the news that Sugarmama is single again. She outlines some of the issues that led to the break-up. I started reading Sugarmama back when she was single and, like all of her readers, followed the relationship as she wrote about the early stages, then the big moment when she admitted to Mr. S that she had a blog ... right through to the end. It's the first relationship I've read blogged from start to finish, and I feel bad for her because she really had hopes and faced some serious doubts. Hope you're ok, Suga'.

 

10:05 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +05:02:18

It was late. The crew was in the map room playing cards.

DR. CHIP: Bloody hell. I've got nothin'.

BLAMB: I hate it when singers cover a song and reinterpret the lyrics. I mean, talk about gall.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Give us some examples.

BLAMB: There's this line in that Jan Arden song, 'Insensitive', that goes, "How do you teach your heart that it's a crime to fall in love again", which, in the context of the song makes perfect sense. But then Leanne Rimes covered it and changed the lyrics to, "How do you teach you heart it's time to fall in love again" which puts a jarring, positive spin on things and that doesn't fit with the rest of the song.

JEN: I hate that. How do you teach your heart that it's a crime to fall in love again?

DR. CHIP: Jab a fork in it.

BLAMB: Then there's that song, 'I Love You' by the Climax Blues Band and there's a lyric that goes, "I was playin around, feeling down, hittin' the beer." and it was covered by some lame-ass, contemporary band for a movie and they changed the lyric to, "I was playin' around, feeling down, hiding my fear." What's the point of that?

LT. ARMCHAIR: Some beer sponsor didn't want their product presented in a negative light.

BLAMB: And don't get me started on how Meatloaf changed "Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll" to "sex and drums and rock 'n roll". Or how all of the music on WKRP reruns has been replaced with canned crap because they couldn't afford the royalties ...

CHRISTIE: Dave says that he hates it when you download a song and the offensive lyrics have been blanked out. He has a copy of 'Shoot the Dog' that has the drug references blanked but the sex references left in.

ROBOT: DAVE? THERE IS NO DAVE PRESENT.

CHRISTIE: Um, my friend Dave said that ... some other time, when I was visiting him in the Green Happytime Swamp.

DR. CHIP: Ok, I'm bored. Let's play 'Truth or Dare'.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Nobody wants to play that.

LT. ARMCHAIR: We're playing cards.

ROBOT: AND I AM WINNING. DOES THAT BOTHER YOU, DR. CHIP?

DR. CHIP: The game is not over, you gambling gear gasket. Ok, tell the truth: what is the worst thing you've ever done to someone in a high school dating context? We all know that teenagers have hearts filled with darkness. How dark were your hearts?

Dr. Chip started singing:

How dark is your heart?
How dark is your heart?
I really need to learn
cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: The Admiral should answer first since, technically, we are on his blog.

BLAMB: Well, that's an easy one.

I took a flashlight and held it under my face.

BLAMB: It was a dark and stormy night. I was in grade 12. The phone rang. I picked it up. On the other line was a girl who rode the bus with us to art school every day. She asked me what I was doing and I said, "Watching Miami Vice". Then she asked me if I wanted to do something, and I said that I wanted to keep watching Miami Vice. Then she asked if I wanted to watch Miami Vice with her. And I said that I preferred to watch Miami Vice alone.

JEN: Oh, big deal!

DR. CHIP: You've got to have something better than that.

BLAMB: I'm not finished. So, we had to keep riding the bus together. And after that night she started throwing insults and other mean comments my way whenever she had the chance until one day, after she threw an especially snide remark at me I shot back with, "You're just sore 'cause I wouldn't go out with you."

Everyone gasped.

DR. CHIP: Hmmm, maybe you're not such a dopey doormat after all, sir.

BLAMB: She never said a word to me again after that. Years later I bumped into her at a party and she wouldn't go near me, even then. Seems sort of silly, now.

 

3:10 PM , # ,

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Eva's Exciting Life*, Part 2

I think Eva's Winston Churchill looks like Rush Limbaugh. But she had a bit of luck with Chelsea Clinton. Check out how Bill Clinton entertains Paris Hilton ... figures. Finally, you get a chance to guess who the guy at the end is ... I thought it was Warhol but the guy has a moustache. Crap, I dunno ...

* simulated

 

10:53 AM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +04:10:11

When we pulled into Port Iliotibial at Kenny Rogers' knee, the sky was bright and the sea was calm. I stepped out into the fresh, salty air and took a deep breath. I rolled up my pant legs and sat on the pier and soaked my feet in the brine. Little fish nibbled at my toes. A beautiful woman was lying on a towel, getting a tan. A nice man passed and handed me a balloon.

I smiled.

A team of American engineers began repairing the sub. Their supervisor walked over to me. I recognized him and he seemed to recognize me ...

GORD: Looks like your sub is going to need a lot of work, gov'nor. But we'll get 'er done.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: [grinning] That's nice!

GORD: The windows really took a smashin'. We're gonna replace 'em with somethin' stronger. Right, mate?

BLAMB: Go to it!

I noticed that a spider monkey was sitting on my shoulder, except that it had Kenney Rogers' face.

BLAMB: [laughs] I love cute, little monkeys!

GORD: Wait, I've seen you in a movie. That one about those guys who do all that stuff.

BLAMB: [smiling, petting the monkey] That's not me!

GORD: No! Really? I guess not. You must get that a lot, eh mate?

BLAMB: Only at the Dufferin Mall! Gord, it's me, Brett.

GORD: Oy! I didn't recognize you!

BLAMB: I'm not surpised. The last time we met was more than a decade ago. I keep inviting you to my parties, but you never show up.

There were more monkeys now. I gave one of them a peanut.

GORD: I'm coming this year! How 'ave you been? How's Laura? You guys must 'ave kids by now.

BLAMB: We broke up!

GORD: Oh mate, I'm so sorry to hear that! Are you okay?

BLAMB: We broke up in 1995.

GORD: Oh.

BLAMB: Why are you talking with a really bad, fake British accent?

GORD: 'Cause you're not listening to me.

BLAMB: I am listening to you.

GORD: No you're not. I'm trying to tell you something.

BLAMB: Then tell me.

GORD: I can't because you won't listen.

BLAMB: That doesn't make any sense.

GORD: You're the one with the shoes.

I looked down and found that I was wearing the New Balance 765s we stole from the Ice Queen.

BLAMB: You know, this model is being discontinued ...

GORD: You're the one with the shoes!

Out of the corner of my eye I saw something large and I turned and there was an Ice Wraith dive-bombing at me and it struck me ...

And I woke up. I was in the medical bay aboard the submarine. Dr. Chip and the Robot were standing over me.

ROBOT: HE IS AWAKE, DOCTOR.

DR. CHIP: Admiral, can you hear me?

BLAMB: [slurs] The ship? Out of danger?

DR. CHIP: We left the port at the knee about eight hours ago. We received repairs and supplies. We're halfway to the hip where we'll rendezvous with the squadron that will escort us through Confederate territory.

BLAMB: [groggy] Gord got the repairs done? Good for him.

DR. CHIP: Gord? There was no Gord. You must be thinking of the woman who was supervising. GORDINA. Sir, you received a severe concussion. You've been out for a couple of days. Continue to rest.

BLAMB: No, no, I've got to get up. There's ... so much ... to do ...

DR. CHIP: Oh, okay.

BLAMB: [blinks] You're not going to force me to rest?

DR. CHIP: [slaps him on the back] I don't really care!

Dr. Chip chuckled and left the medical bay.

ROBOT: I DO NOT CARE, EITHER. I DO NOT CARE BECAUSE I AM A ROBOT. I AM INCAPABLE OF CARING.

 

1:15 AM , # ,

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Friday, October 22, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +02:22:41

Steam blew from burst pipes, water sprayed from cracked windows, main power was off and the emergency lights cut through the darkness. Armchair vomited into a bag, sick from the spinning. Dr. Chip, the Robot and Ultra-Baby staggered on to the bridge, the Robot still carried the shoes.

LT. ARMCHAIR: [groggy] Ultra-Baby, do you still sense them?

ULTRA-BABY: [via telepathy, to everyone] No. They are gone.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Damage report!

LT. ARMCHAIR: Minor damage. We took a beating, but everything held together.

DR. CHIP: Not the admiral. He's catatonic.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: [teeth chattering, clenching the dossier] Squid monkeys. Squid monkeys.

DR. CHIP: This our opportunity to get a look at those files and find out what's really going on here.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT YOU WILL COMPROMISE THE MISSION!

DR. CHIP: Damn the mission! Damn this sub! Damn Monkey Squids! Damn, damn, damn ...

CLONK!

The captain clobbered Dr. Chip unconcious with a large wrench.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Okay, everybody calm down and regroup!

ULTRA-BABY: We have visitors.

JEN: Look!

Everyone gathered at the window and looked outside.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Whales. There are whales inside Kenny Rogers!

JEN: They look like Humpbacks, except they're covered with thick, silver hair. Like the hair on Kenny Rogers' beard.


A Kenny Rogers Humpback Whale.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Listen to this. [switches on the intercom]

WHALE SONG: LLLLLLLAAAAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY ....

LT. ARMCHAIR: They're singing.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It's so sad. Yet peaceful and beautiful.

WHALE SONG: LLLLLLLAAAAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY ...

ULTRA-BABY: They say the sea is cold, but the sea contains the hottest blood of all.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Whales Weep Not. D.H. Lawrence.

That evening, everyone sat on the darkened bridge and listened to the whales. I was still shell shocked and sat in a corner, wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Occasionally a member of the crew would come over and try to get me to drink a mix of coffee, hot chocolate and Baily's. Dr. Chip tried to sulk with the lump on his forehead, but the Robot challenged him to a game of chess and spent the night letting him win. Warm and safe for the moment, the rest of the crew sat at the window and watched the whales. The only light came from the instrument display.

WHALE SONG: LLLLLLLLAAAAAADDDDDDYYYYYYY ...

 

1:28 PM , # ,

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Thursday, October 21, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +02:04:23

After passing the ankle, the American fleet returned to patrol Kenny Rogers' foot and we were on our own. We were making good time travelling up a vein running along the calf muscle when we noticed something strange ...

JEN: [to Captain Christie] ... and that's why early-80s New Wave music is so important!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I see!

DR. CHIP: Why is frost forming on the windows?

LT. ARMCHAIR: Must be getting cold outside.

DR. CHIP: We're inside a human body. It shouldn't be cold ... unless Kenny has passed on and is now residing in a freezer in some trans-dimensional morgue.

JEN: [checking the sensors] It's a local phenomenon. There seems to be some sort of cyst soaking up the heat in this area.

DR. CHIP: Well, that's strange.

ULTRA-BABY: [via telepathy, to everyone] We must go there.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: We don't have time to check out every weird thing we find inside Kenny Rogers. Stay on course.

ULTRA-BABY: There is something there for us.

BLAMB: Aw, crap. Are you sure?

ULTRA-BABY: I can sense it.

BLAMB: Something bad is going to happen, isn't it?

We exited the vein and changed course, heading towards the cyst. It grew colder and darker the closer we got.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Everyone stay alert.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Look! It's not a cyst at all, it's some sort of castle. Looks deserted.

And there in the murk were the ruins of a castle made of ice.



ULTRA-BABY: We have to go inside.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: It looks pretty creepy. Dr. Chip, Robot and Ultra-Baby ... you're the team that's going in.

DR. CHIP: Excuse me? Why do I have to go? The leaden lunkhead and the unstable infant should be able to take care of one another.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: 'Cause you're getting on my nerves.

We docked with the castle. It was empty and abandoned. The air was breathable. The team departed through the air-lock.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TAKE THAT TINFOIL OFF OF YOUR HEAD.

DR. CHIP: I don't take orders from her!

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IF WE RUN INTO TROUBLE, BEING ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU COULD MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND ...

DR. CHIP: Shush, you! If we run into trouble, I will be out of here before you have a chance to yell 'scoobalroobaladoo'!

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT SHE WILL NOT UTTER THAT WORD.

DR. CHIP: Yes, well ... good for her.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE SHOULD GO THIS WAY.

They walked through a long, ornate hallway and into a dark room. Sitting on a throne in the centre of the room was a dark, cloaked figure covered in frost. A pair of shoes rested on its lap.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE NEED TO GET THOSE SHOES. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.

DR. CHIP: Careful, shmareful. It's not as though dead bodies are going to start waking up and attacking us.

Dr. Chip walked up to the throne and snatched the shoes, a pair of New Balance 765s.

DR. CHIP: Now let's get out of here before we all die of frostbite.

ROBOT: WARNING! WARNING!

DR. CHIP: [sighs] Oh, what are you on about now?

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT WE ARE IN DANGER!

DR. CHIP: Well this was her idea! Now she's complaining?

There was a crackling noise. The figure on the throne began to jerk and move. It snorted. Steam blew from its mouth.

DR. CHIP: Why can't anything ever be easy?

The figure began to stretch and shake off the frost that was covering it. It stood up and for the first time, the group saw the face beneath the hood.

ICE QUEEN: [hissing] Give that back.

DR. CHIP: But, but, but ...

The Robot grabbed the shoes from Dr. Chip.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS RUN!

Chip, the Robot and Ultra-Baby ran. The Ice Queen's eyes began to glow.

ICE QUEEN: My pretties, my pretties! Rise my pretties!

Chip, the Robot and Ultra-Baby ran back towards the ship.

DR. CHIP: In case we don't make it, in case we all die horribly, I just want you both to know that I HATE YOUR FREAKING GUTS!

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS TO SHUT UP AND RUN!

DR. CHIP: [panting] Wait, wait ... [stops running] What's that noise? That sound? It's ...

Behind them, Ice Wraiths began to slither out of cracks in the walls.

DR. CHIP: WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?

The Robot grabbed Dr. Chip, threw him over his shoulder and kept running. The Wraiths gained on them quickly. The team slammed the airlock shut just as the Ice Wraiths were on them. Inside the airlock they heard the sounds of the Wraiths scraping against the door.

DR. CHIP: Go, go, go, go!

LT. ARMCHAIR: [over intercom] What's going on down there?

DR. CHIP: [gasping] Never get off the boat! Never get off the boat!

ROBOT: DANGER! DANGER! WE MUST LEAVE!

The sub pulled away from the castle and sped off, followed by a swarm of Ice Wraiths. They overtook the sub and slammed against it. The sub bobbed and buckled.


The Ice Wraiths attack.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I'm losing control!

The sub was hit hard and rolled upside down. Everyone not strapped in on the bridge hit the ceiling; the captain hung upside down in her chair and jammed the gears. The sub righted itself. Everyone hit the floor.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: HEADS UP!

A Wraith hurled itself at the front window, dive bombing at full speed and slammed into the window, exploding on contact, its entrails splatted across the front of the sub. The window cracked and glass dust blasted into the cabin. The sub was sent into a spin.

ARMCHAIR: STEADY! They're going for the windows!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: [shaking off glass] No kidding!

I turned towards the window next to me just as another Wraith dive bombed into it. The window cracked but held, glass dust blasted at me and the impact threw me across the room where I hit my head and was knocked unconcious. Water sprayed through the cracks.

LT. ARMCHAIR: There! There! Get us into that artery!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: That'll take us back where we came from!

LT. ARMCHAIR: Just do it! Quickly!

They entered the artery and there was a surge of speed. The wraiths followed.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Dump the fuel! Dump the fuel!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Dump our fuel?

Armchair hit the switch and dumped the fuel.

ARMCHAIR: Flare!

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: I see ... Here's your flare, smart guy!

She hit the flare. The fuel ignited and there was a muffled pop and the sub jerked and was sent spinning forwards, end over end. The lights went out and the engines went silent and everything went dark.

 

2:49 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +01:20:35

We proceeded up through Kenny Rogers' left foot, escorted by the American fleet. I began to realize that dealing with conflicts within the crew might prove more challenging than facing Confederate soldiers. We gathered in the map room to consider our situation.

LT. ARMCHAIR: So the Americans are refighting the US Civil War inside this gigantic, trans-dimensional Kenny Rogers?

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Right.

LT. ARMCHAIR: But how is the Confederate Army from the 1860s able to hold off the Union Army from the 1970s? It doesn't seem like an even match.

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: [slaps the lieutenant] Of course! The Confederates are using dimensional doorways to gather weapons from other time periods!

LT. ARMCHAIR: Ow.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Another gold star for you, Captain!

I caught Dr. Chip rolling his eyes. After the meeting, he approached me.

DR. CHIP: Admiral, may I have a word with you?

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Sure.

DR. CHIP: There are several sites of significant scientific interest inside Kenny Rogers and they might provide valuable opportunities for study. I have prepared a list of route modifications that will add very little to our travel time but will offer ...

BLAMB: Listen, doctor. We have a mission and we don't have time for detours or delays. Every minute counts and this sub has to stay on track and stay ready. Every second must be accounted for, we can't let our guard down for one moment.

DR. CHIP: But, sir!

BLAMB: This isn't a debate, doctor.

DR. CHIP: Sir, I am growing weary of the favouritism you show some of the other crew! I am tired of feeling like a second-class crew member!

BLAMB: Dr. Chip, I value every member of this crew, equally! I don't play favourites. Listen ...

[starts to sing]

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
And hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
But I'm a lot like you

Dr. Chip wiped a tear from his eye. I gripped his shoulder and continued to sing:

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

BLAMB: Better?

DR. CHIP: Thank you, sir.

Captain Christie entered the corridor.

CHRISTIE: Hey, Admiral! The Science Officer from the American ship asked me out! Can I borrow the sub tonight?

BLAMB: Aw, isn't that nice? Of course you can!

DR. CHIP: [clenches his teeth and grits his fists] GRRRRRRRRR!

 

2:27 PM , # ,

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KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +01:08:01

Kenny Rogers. We were still inside Kenny Rogers.

When I woke up, I thought I was back home and was looking forward to taking a trip to the Duff for a hot cup of coffee. But there was no morning light coming through the window and no dog jumping on the bed. Instead, a grey cabin aboard an American military submarine located somewhere inside Kenny Rogers' foot.

After a shower and breakfast, I was taken to a state room where two miltary officers waited for me. Also in the room was a man in civilian clothes. I assumed he was CIA because he made the other two visibly uncomfortable. He wasn't paying attention to us, he was focused on his laptop.

COMMANDER TOM: We've been monitoring you and we know what you're planning to do. That mission is over.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: Over? It's not over until Kenny Rogers is off of my blog!

COMMANDER TOM: I don't think you understand. This is a war zone. There is fierce fighting going on in every part of Kenny Rogers' body. You won't get two miles in that tub. The enemy will cut you down!

BLAMB: War zone? Who are you fighting?

COMMANDER TOM: The Confederate Army.

BLAMB: THE CONFEDERATE ARMY?

COMMANDER TOM: That is correct, sir. In 1862, the Confederate Army found a dimensional doorway into this Kenny Rogers. They learned that if they could control the Kenny Rogers, they would master time and space and be able to change the course of history.

BLAMB: Change it to what?

COMMANDER TOM: They want to change events so that the Confederates win the US Civil War. We were sent here by President Jimmy Carter to stop them.

BLAMB: Well, at least they're not Nazis.

COMMANDER TOM: Bah! Nazis! We kicked their asses inside Roger Whittaker!

LT. JONES: When we found out about your group, we saw an opportunity. One of our operatives has gone renegade and we need him brought to justice.

BLAMB: Brought to justice?

LT. JONES: Our sources tell us that he and the officers who defected with him have a compound in an area close to the brain. Here's the deal: we'll help you get to Kenny Rogers' brain if you neutralize our problem.

COMMANDER TOM: His methods have become unsound. He's become a menace to the entire war effort. He's become a menace to history as we know it.

LT. JONES: This is a copy of his dossier. His codename is EAGLE. We will provide you with support and cover to get you up through the body, past the Confederates.

The spook looked up from his laptop.

CIA SPOOK: Terminate him. With extreme prejudice.

LT. JONES: We're going to provide you with an addition to your crew as well.

Jones knocked on the door and Jen walked in.

BLAMB: Hey, I didn't know you worked for the military.

JEN: It's classified.

LT. JONES: She's one of our black projects, the human computer. You'll need her expertise when you get to the brain. She may even be able to figure a way to get Kenny off of your blog. And, as an added bonus, she doesn't sleep much.

COMMANDER TOM: We will escort you to the ankle. From there you will have to make it to the knee on your own. There's an outpost with fuel and supplies there. The Confederates control the torso, we control the limbs ... but there will still be dangers as you travel up the leg, so stay sharp.

Jen & I were shuttled back to the Atrocia. Through the window, I could see the sub hovering peacefully in the dark, its navigation lights pulsing slowly. Returning home seemed all but impossible, now.

Though death and darkness gather all about me
My ship be torn apart upon the seas
I shall smell again the fragrance of these islands
And the heaving waves that brought me once to thee
And should I return home safe again to england
I shall watch the english mist roll through the dale

For you are beautiful, I have loved you dearly
More dearly than the spoken word can tell

 

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Meanwhile ...

Eva is hangin' with simulated celebrities.

 

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Wednesday, October 20, 2004

KENNY ROGERS: Insertion +00:04:17

Our submarine was inserted into the body of the giant, hyper-dimensional Kenny Rogers. We entered under the large toenail on his left foot. That part was easy ... too easy.

I was standing on the bridge of the sub with some of the crew of bloggers I'd recruited.

ADMIRAL BLAMB: How's it handling?

CAPTAIN CHRISTIE: Sluggish. Like a wet sponge.

LT. ARMCHAIR: Admiral, may I have a word with you?

We stepped into the map room. Dr. Chip was sitting in a chair, his head wrapped in tinfoil. Smoke hovered in the air.

ARMCHAIR: You can't smoke on a submarine!

DR. CHIP: I beg your pardon, sir! I resent your accusations!

BLAMB: Forget him. What's this about?

ARMCHAIR: I don't think the Captain should be piloting this sub. Have you heard about her driving record?

DR. CHIP: Are you talking about Captain Christie?

ARMCHAIR: Yeah.

DR. CHIP: I used to eat that cereal when I was a kid.

BLAMB: You're thinking of Cap'n Crunch.

DR. CHIP: No, it was Rice Crispies.

BLAMB: Oh.

DR. CHIP: Wait, no. Actually, it was Special K. Forget it.

ARMCHAIR: Anyhow, like I was saying ...

BLAMB: Oh, come on! We're on a road trip, we're supposed to be having fun and she wanted to drive!

ARMCHAIR: Sir, she has an imaginary friend.

BLAMB: Really?

ARMCHAIR: A turtle named 'Dave'. She talks to him when no one else is around.

BLAMB: Aw, isn't that nice.

ARMCHAIR: NO! It's not nice! It's crazy!

BLAMB: Well, it's a crazy world!

DR. CHIP: [shaking his head] We're doomed. [exits]

ARMCHAIR: [whispers] And I don't trust him. All he cares about is money. He'd sell us out at the first opportunity.

BLAMB: I know, I know. That's why the Robot and Ultra-Baby are keeping an eye on him.

Dr. Chip walked down the corridor and into the medical bay. The Robot and Ultra-Baby were there.

ROBOT: [electronic monotone] GOOD MORNING, DR. CHIP.

DR. CHIP: Not bloody likely.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS GOOD MORNING AS WELL.

Dr. Chip snorted.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE WEARING TINFOIL ON YOUR HEAD. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IT BLOCKS HER TELEPATHY. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT IT PREVENTS HER FROM COMMUNICATING WITH YOU.

DR. CHIP: She's communicating just fine through you, you bumbling bucket of bolts.

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY THINKS THAT YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING. ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT SHE DOES NOT TRUST YOU.

Dr. Chip leaned towards Ultra-Baby and pointed his finger at her.

DR. CHIP: Listen you, you, you ... you tyrannical, toddling tyke! I don't need you or anyone crawling around in my consciousness. Stay out, you hear me? OUT!

ROBOT: ULTRA-BABY SAYS THAT SHE IS WATCHING YOU.

Suddenly, sirens started wailing. Armchair and the Admiral dashed to the bridge.

CHRISTIE: There's a fleet of subs! We're surrounded!

A voice crackled over the intercom:

POWER DOWN YOUR ENGINES AND PREPARE TO BE BOARDED.

OR BE DESTROYED.

 

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Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Sandwich Wrapped in Grey

Awaken you sandwiches
Adrift in your bread
Almond butter and tahini
Decorate your spreads
Please let some out
Do it today
But don't let the sandwichless ones sell you
A sandwich wrapped in ...

 

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Monday, October 18, 2004

Consequences & Truth

Stan opened the door to the hanger.

STAN: There's your sub, equipped with all the latest anti-grav, hover technology and advanced weaponry. Have you got a crew?

BLAMB: I'm working on it. I want to make sure that I have the best people. The blog must be freed from Kenny Rogers!

STAN: I still think it seems like a lot of trouble to go through for a silly, little website.

BLAMB: Silly? Little? I would do anything to save that blog, even if it means driving a submarine into a gigantic Kenny Rogers.

STAN: Whatever. How much of what you write there is even true?

BLAMB: It's all true! Funny you should ask, I bumped into Lanie at the AGO yesterday and she asked me how much of what I write is true and how much is "fibs".

STAN: Yeah?

BLAMB: Well, now when she reads this, she'll know that it's all true from experience. Speaking of the truth, something weird happened today.

STAN: Weirder than a giant Kenny Rogers?

BLAMB: Yeah. I worked all weekend and didn't get much sleep last night, so I went to the gym this afternoon, hoping that it would clear my head and give me some energy. Afterwards, I was walking home and a woman -- who I recognised from the gym -- rode up to me on her bike and said, "I saw your picture".

STAN: Isn't that how Blue Velvet starts?

BLAMB: No, I think she says, "I saw your ear."

STAN: No! She asks, "Are you the one who found the ear?"

BLAMB: Shut up and let me tell my story. So, she said, "I saw your picture" and I had no idea what she was talking about and I'm tried to think of where she might have spotted my picture and she said ...

STAN: I saw it on Lavalife.

BLAMB: Yeah. How did you guess?

STAN: Where else is she gonna see it?

BLAMB: Huh. So we walked and chatted for a bit.

STAN: Did you ask her out?

BLAMB: I invited her to beer night.

STAN: What?

BLAMB: My brain was in a thick fog and I don't know if I'm all that interested. She's been at the gym as long as I've been there and she makes a move now because she saw my picture on the internet?

STAN: She put herself out there.

BLAMB: That's true. You know, that might explain a few other odd things that have been going on at the gym. I thought I was getting paranoid.

STAN: Ha ha! Everyone knows you're dating on the internet! How does it feel to be exposed in front of the whole wide world? People are probably pointing at you and talking about you. Doesn't that bother you?

BLAMB: Who cares? If we make it out of Kenny Rogers, I'll just be happy to be alive!

 

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The Incredible Kenny Rogers Threat

I had Stan the Computer Geek come in and asses the blog infestation situation.

STAN: Looks like you've got a Kenny Rogers. Big one.

BLAMB: No kidding.

STAN: Gosh, he's huge. About 180 kilometres from head to toe. And, he doesn't completely exist in our dimension. That complicates things.

BLAMB: Crud. How did it get into my blog?

STAN: You had a previous infestation, right?

BLAMB: Yeah, last month. A big nest of Phil Collins. I had a Jedi Knight clear them out using The Peter Gabriel Neutron Bomb.

STAN: Wow. A real Jedi?

BLAMB: No, just some idiot. So what caused this?

STAN: The Neutron Bomb must have weakened your blog and made it susceptible to further infection. That's probably how Kenny Rogers got in.

BLAMB: Is it easy to fix?

STAN: Nope. This one is a real toughie. But, Kenny Rogers is generally benign. You can leave him there and he won't hurt your blog. I'll apply some anti-Kim Carnes software and you'll be fine.

BLAMB: No, I don't want to leave him! I want to clean him out!

STAN: You might be better off starting a new blog from scratch.

BLAMB: No, I want this fixed. What's involved?

STAN: Okay, you need to get a specially modified submarine and assemble a team of specialists. Once you get that set up, you enter the Kenny Rogers in the sub, travel through his body to his brain and there you should be able to figure out a way to stimulate some sort of action that will cause him to leave.

BLAMB: That last bit was a little vague.

STAN: [shrugs] I'm not really sure what you'd do at the brain. But that's why you bring along a crack team of specialists!

BLAMB: It sounds expensive.

STAN: Well, yeah. That's why I said to just leave the big lug.

BLAMB: No, I'm not having Kenny Rogers hanging around on the blog. It's him or me. Can you help me hire the team and rent the sub?

STAN: Sure, I can do that.

BLAMB: Good, 'cause we're going in.

 

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Saturday, October 16, 2004

Not Again ...

CRAP! NOT AGAIN!

 

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Friday, October 15, 2004

Mustard Man

A novelty item for the weekend. Since he's now appearing in a VISA commercial, here's a picture of the world-famous Mustard Man at the Vanier College formal in the spring of 1997, before he became the Mustard Man. He took the university president, Susan Mann, as his "date":



A friend was editing the college paper, The Vandoo, that year and published these. He knew the Mustard Man and would sometimes tell us tales of MM's search for love (nsfw). Mustard downloads in my ROM? I can come up with better lyrics than that:

Now I'm the Mustard Man. No one's rootin for me.
If I'm the Mustard Man, nature will abhorr me.
Yeah, no one sympathises,
When you're the Mustard Man, that everyone despises.

I contributed a few comics to that issue, including this:



Okay, one more thing ...



The Hybrid Animal Human Page [nsfw, via AllThingsChristie] is just plain nuts, I can't stop laughing, the images and captions keep popping back into my head. Be sure to read the captions. The site's author is, at least, realistic:

At the time of making this home page I am still a bachelor. Even with all those Russian and Fillipina ladies looking for me from those so called Dating sites I will probably stay bachelor. Which woman wants a kinky old man like me when they have seen my kinky Human Animal Hybrid page? I don't think any.

I dunno, Kenny Rogers thinks there's someone for everyone ...

 

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Tub of Lub

Eva demonstrates that "good business is where you find it" with videos of her Sims2 character getting it on in a hottub. Is it too hot in the hottub? Eva reports, you decide.


So far, the Quee-ods' lives are a mess.

I haven't had time to play, lately, which is too bad because I'm still eager to cross-breed one of the characters from my family of hyper-evolved women, the Quee-ods, with one of the men from the family of cavemen, the KroMags. Who knows how those kids will turn out.


Don't judge him by his looks. Pa is thoughtful and wise.

I don't think Pa KroMag is going to hit it off with the Quee-od mother, but I'm hoping one of the boys will get with the program (little computer joke, there). Pa is a little lonely, though, so it would be nice if he found someone to share his twilight years. Does anyone know if you have to have a funeral when they die?

 

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Thursday, October 14, 2004

Looking Ahead

I was passing through downtown this afternoon and I was reminded that it was twenty years ago this week ... heck, probably twenty years ago today ... my class went on a school trip to Toronto. We were a bunch of kids from a tiny, rural hicktown, pop. 2,200, visiting the country's largest city. It was quite a day.

I decided to use the Time Tube to go back and visit myself way, way back then. Back in ...

Kensington Market, October 1984

BLAMB 2004: Psst! Hey, kid!

BLAMB 1984: [startled] Huh?

BLAMB 04: Come here.

BLAMB 84: I'm not really supposed to leave the group ...

BLAMB 04: Quit being an idiot and come here!

BLAMB 84: Ok, but I don't know the city and I have to stay with my group ...

BLAMB 04: Don't you recognize me?

BLAMB 84: Recognize you?

BLAMB 04: It's me!

BLAMB 84: Uh huh?

BLAMB 04: I'm you!

BLAMB 84: You're me?

BLAMB 04: Yeah! You from the future! I came back from the year 2004!

BLAMB 84: Holy crap!

BLAMB 04: I remember taking this trip, it was such a nice day for it and I though I'd come back and check it out again. Have you recovered from that sandwich?

BLAMB 84: It was hot, I didn't think my mouth would ever cool down. The ice cream at the Sicilian ice cream place helped.

BLAMB 04: Ha ha, you'll end up living around the corner from there in about twelve years. I still go once in a while.

BLAMB 84: Really? I'm going to live here?

BLAMB 04: Oh yeah.

BLAMB 84: Can I ask you more about the future?

BLAMB 04: Sure. We're probably breaking some sort of 'time law', but until the time cops show up, what the heck!

BLAMB 84: What are some of the big things that happen between 1984 and 2004?

BLAMB 04: Well, The Cold War ended when the Soviet Union dissolved, the World Trade Centre was destroyed by terrorists and George Lucas made a bunch of really awful Star Wars prequels.

BLAMB 84: Wow. Did anything good happen?

BLAMB 04: Uh ... I dunno. Internet porn?

BLAMB 84: What's an Innernit?

BLAMB 04: Oh, it's like a big global computer network ... um, on computers. Everything's on computers these days. Oh, write this down!

BLAMB 84: What?

BLAMB 04: When the time comes, BUY YOUR DOMAIN NAME! Heh heh heh. Got that? Australian Brett Lamb will never know what hit him!

BLAMB 84: I don't even know what that means.

BLAMB 04: Just do it. You'll thank me later.

BLAMB 84: So, are we married? Do we have kids?

BLAMB 04: I have a great dog ...

BLAMB 84: WHAT? Do we have a girlfriend?

BLAMB 04: His name is Zack and he's a Golden Retriever and he can sit and lie down and ...

BLAMB 84: You don't have a girlfriend? Are you crazy, why? What happened?

BLAMB 04: Oh relax, you'll get your girlfriend. Sucker.

BLAMB 84: What did you say?

BLAMB 04: I said that you're a dopey, 15-year-old idiot with only one thing on his hormone-soaked mind!

BLAMB 84: I don't want to turn into a mean ol' grump like you!

BLAMB 04: That's it, enough! Disrupting the timeline! No more information!

BLAMB 84: BUT!

BLAMB 2024: Hey, hey, hey! Cut it out you two!

BLAMB 04: This is between me and him .... wait a minute!

BLAMB 84: What is it?

BLAMB 04: He's us!

BLAMB 24: Yes, from twenty years in your future and fourty years in his future. Although, I'm not exactly the two of you.

BLAMB 84: You're not?

BLAMB 24: No. I'm actually a clone implanted with the blended personalities and experiences of the orginal BLAMB and Demi Moore.

BLAMB 04: Demi Moore? I hate Demi Moore, she's an idiot.

BLAMB 24: I know! It's a crazy experiment!

BLAMB 84: If you're a clone, where's the original?

BLAMB 24: Saturn. A bunch of people decided to attempt an interstellar voyage to Alpha Centauri and are, at this very moment, preparing a grand space vessel!

BLAMB 04: So that's it? We leave the Earth? We'll never see home again?

BLAMB 24: Oh no, you can visit. There's a vacation clone available and you just beam a digital copy of a brain dump back to Earth, into the clone and then update the original when the trip is done. It's all quite simple.

BLAMB 84: But if you can do that, why bother going in the first place? Why not just send a bunch of clones to Alpha Centauri and then beam your brain junk into them when they get there?

BLAMB 24: Ah ... we never thought of that.

BLAMB 04: I take it that, in your time, the human race has reached the singularity and we've entered a transhuman era.

BLAMB 24: Well, it's not as neat and tidy as all that. The mess began in your time when that Bush fella was elected. Now, in my time, the future is very uncertain.

BLAMB 84: What happened?

BLAMB 24: War. Terrible war.

BLAMB 04: They're still in Iraq?

BLAMB 24: Far worse than that. In the western democracies, technological progress achieved two ends: one, the internet 'woke up' one morning and became a global super-conciousness, and two, citizens of the secular, western democracies developed the technology to allow us to enter a transhuman stage.

BLAMB 04: And now the transhumans are fighting the internet? Like in the Terminator movies?

BLAMB 84: They made a sequel?

BLAMB 24: No, no, no! The secular transhumanists are fighting religious fundamentalists of all stripes who finally recognized a common enemy and banded together. To complicate matters further, the earth became infested with a strange race of vicious mutant creatures. Those three factions are now fighting one another for control of the planet.


Artist's Impression

BLAMB 04: Creatures? What are they? Aliens?

BLAMB 24: We suspect that the global super-conciousness engineered the creatures and is also pulling the strings in the conflict between the transhumanists and the fundamentalists.

BLAMB 04: But why?

BLAMB 24: To buy time, that's all we're sure of. We have a theory, but there's very little proof at this point.

BLAMB 04: What's your theory?

BLAMB 24: We think the planet is preparing to leave.

BLAMB 84: LEAVE?

BLAMB 24: We've found some evidence, sketchy evidence, that the super-conciousness is engaged in several construction projects aimed at preparing the planet for interstellar travel. We think that sometime within the next century, the planet will be ready to leave the solar system.

BLAMB 04: But why? What's the point of leaving?

BLAMB 24: Astronomers have found what they think are gathering places in the galactic core where planets go to meet and live. It seems that what is happening to the Earth may be a common stage of planetary evolution.

BLAMB 04: And what will happen to the fundamentalists and the transhumanists?

BLAMB 24: Our evolution is continuing, so I imagine that when the time comes, some of us will go with the Earth to see those other planets and discover what their societies are all about. Perhaps there's a role for us there. The rest, I reckon, will leave and explore the universe, just as the original is doing. As for the fundamentalists ... I don't know. Perhaps they will become the cartakers of the planet, once the fighting simmers down. We really don't know what will happen to life on the surface of the planet once it leaves.

The three Blambs bow their heads and stand silently. BLAMB 2004 takes a deep breath and sighs, then looks up at the bright blue October sky.

BLAMB 1984 turns towards him.

BLAMB 84: So. What's sex like?

 

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Raccoon Attack!

They're coming for me! They're coming for us all!!!

 

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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

School of Gore

In Part 1 of School of Gore, we saw the kids dissecting the tiny, little aliens. Now for the incredible, exciting conclusion of ... SCHOOL OF GORE ...

PART 2



The challenge for the second half of the March Break alien autopsy activity was to create a large-scale alien for dissection (pictured above, under construction). This was a collaborative project: one kid built a skeleton out of wood, another kid made "lungs" out of plastic pop bottles, and the rest contributed eyes, a skull and other organs. We put everything together in their proper places and covered the mix with a few layers of wax, to hold it all together.



The kids were very serious for this dissection. The lights were out, the overhead was on and everyone was dressed in operating gear and ready to cut.

During dissection, the children's favourite task was removing the intestines and opening them up. To create the intestines, we filled stringy balloons with coloured dough to get that true-gore effect.



There's nothing kids like better than seeing something ooze out of a sliced intestine ... and celebrity guests! Ralph Benmergui, who was then the much-loathed host of a variety show on CBC, stopped in, watched some of the action and left forever changed.

Potheads also like the intestinal action. For years afterwards, musician friends used to come over so they could get baked and watch the video of the kids slicing and dicing.



I made sure that the kids included lots of other goodies to poke and prod and retrieve during the operation because it's fun to find things.



I like this shot because it reminds me of the dissection scene in John Carpenter's Thing remake. Except with a nine-year-old girl. Someone should remake the Thing with kids, I'd buy that for a dollar!



And there's your host in another lifetime. Thanks for hangin' out at the School of Gore!

 

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Ms. Johnson

There's a new Ms. Johnson strip up at the Better Living Centre (and AllThingsChristie). Gratuitous use of the word "ASS" and it's set in the fitness class I attend in real life ... this afternoon, in fact.

 

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Hey, Bob, Supe Had a Real Job.

Okay, here's a super-duper-quickie review of the Smallville fourth season's first three episodes. I hope all of you are watching, 'cause in my "real life", it's only me and grandpa ...

I'm liking the fourth season a lot so far, but it seems like it's starting to teeter on the brink of becoming silly. The Lana/Jason Teague stuff is already teag-ious and pushing the boundaries of the ability to suspend my disbelief. I used to really enjoy Lana and Clark's passive-aggressive back-and-forth ... but it's been four years already! In high school, years are like dog years.

The use of symbols and objects to make us think that there's some kind of 'direction' to events is wearing thin. For the first few seasons, there was the key to the spaceship that pretty much went nowhere and now we've got the crytals scattered around the world and Lana's tattoo, which we can pretty much assume will lead ... to more crytals. And more tattoos.

Other than that, everything else is great, especially the Lex-Lionel confrontations. Their father-son conflict could be silly and petty at times, but it really works now that the gloves are off and it's simply vicious.

And I'm pro-Lo, even though they tried a bit too hard to establish her character in the premiere. Last night's episode would have been a complete throw-away freak-of-the-weeker if it hadn't been for the google-eyes moment between Lois & Clark at the very end. In the second episode, there's also a glorious moment when Clark tells Lana that he can't stand Lois, which stands as the single-worst moment of bad-acting in the entire series. If you could frame and hang bad acting on a wall, that moment would be hanging up in my livingroom right now. I'm lovin' it!

As you know, it was a very sad week because Superman actor, Christopher Reeve, passed away. And I think I heard that Dean Cain got a speeding ticket. Don't quote me on that.

I was going to write about the Enterprise premiere, but forgot to set the VCR machine. In the meantime, here's a pretend review:

Whoa! Enterprise! Space Nazis! Captain Archer in the past! Ensign Mayweather is going to be cool this season! T-Popple is sexy! Ha ha, Trip! Yep, it's going to be a long road, getting from there to here. You know it!

Thank you very much and good-night.

 

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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Someone was complaining to me today about people getting their knickers in knots over trivial things and ignoring the slow boil, so it's fitting that this one was in the queue. The print version is in the latest Annex Gleaner, if you're in that neighbourhood.

 

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Bloggers In Love

EPISODE 578

As reported at the Better Living Centre, the Accordion Guy is engaged to be married! To the Redhead! And we're all invited to attend the proceedings online! What the hell do you wear to an online wedding? And what do you drink?

A: Pyjamas. Soya milk.

It just goes to show that there are exceptions to every rule, because those two never followed the first rule of dating. Congratulations!

Hey, if they have kids, do you think they'll blog the birth ... ?

 

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Monday, October 11, 2004

Otter, Otter! Can't You See I'm Burnin', Burnin'!

I was out for a canoe this morning and I rounded a point and found a bunch of otters messing around. I've never seen otters in the wild, so I decided to see how close I could get and they were too busy having fun to notice me until it was too late! I was less than ten metres from them when one sort of perked up, looked over and hissed/chattered at me. Then they swam off, looking back at me, glaring. You know that they're otteriffic!



It was wildlife action all weekend, we also saw some deer on the way up (including the buck, pictured) and the cousins spotted a bear ... on the road we'd been walking on an hour before. In the dark. Without a flashlight. Dressed as Bajorans.



We went for a hike around the mega-beaver-dam complex: 7 dams including the massive mofo pictured above that stretches out to about 50 metres long. You know that saying, "Busy as a beaver?" Well, apparently that's just a myth, like suicidal lemmings. In reality, beavers hire sub-contractors. Aren't animals amazing?



It was a little chilly, which is why I have a big, furry dawg. He ain't heavy, he's my dawggie.



Zack had heapin' helpings of his favourite things over the weekend: people, other dogs and the wilderness. And swimming, there was some frigid swimming. The foreign exchange student even taught him some German (don't worry, he didn't mention the war!).



And that was Thanksgiving. Tonight we hauled ass back to the big city. I think we all learned an important lesson!

 

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Friday, October 08, 2004

Lube Job

The KroMags love small talk!

Idler left this comment on the last post:

Jeez, I hate people talking about work and how friggin' busy they are.

It's like when I ask how someone is, I really don't want to know the details of their health.

Being Idler must be like being the gruff, grumpy characters in Anne of Green Gables all the time, the ones who always lash out at Anne when they first meet her because deep inside, they're kind, sensitive souls who are afraid of being hurt. Anne inevitably breaks them out of their shells and they blossom into happy, golden flowers of joy!

That's gonna happen to Idler!

Idler's complaints are a pet peeve of mine: I hate people who complain about small talk. Small talk, like gossip, gets clobbered way too much 'round these parts. Small talk, for most people, is the lubricant that gets a conversation moving. You start with small talk and if things go well, you move on to more substantial topics.

Nobody wants to talk about "how busy" they are or their work or their health, that's just the quickest way to get things started. The people I like to talk to are the ones who don't worry about saying something stupid or being blunt, they just blurt things out and off you go. The troublemakers are the people who think that small talk is an affliction instead of a valuable tool.

Which reminds me, bloody hell, I'm busy! And my head hurts! And I think Howie is sleeping with Heather!

Related link: Conversational Weaselese @ Circadian Shift

 

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Homework

I get asked all the time, "What's it like working at home?"

Working at home is like being Colt Severs all the time, except I don't have a ranch, big truck, sidekick or Heather Thomas lounging around in a bikini. And while I offer a diverse range of services to my clients -- much like Colt, who was both a stuntman and a bounty hunter -- the contracts don't involve fisticuffs, being shot at or stabbed. Sometimes I have to deal with Markie Post.

Or maybe it's not.

Working at home is is like being J.B. Jeffries from Rear Window all the time, except I've never witnessed a murder, my camera is digital and Grace Kelly isn't lounging around in an evening gown. But I do know many of my neighbours, at least to say hello. I've never hired hired a housekeeper, like Thelma Ritter, but I toy with the idea from time to time, just to have someone around to annoy me.

Actually, working at home is a lot like being Jeff Lebowski all the time, except the only thing that pees on my rug is the cat, I don't bowl and I've never sired the spawn of some rich woman ...

Working here at home is a lot like being Rick from Casablanca all the time ... or Rick from Blade Runner all the time. Except I never have to deal with Nazi Replicants , Sean Young, unrequited love or Peter Lorre. But I'm always on the computer ...

Nevermind, I'm back at the start. I'm Colt Severs again!

It's a death defyin' life I lead,I take my chances.
I die for a livin' in the movies and TV.
But the hardest thing I ever do
Is watch my leadin' ladies
Kiss some other guy while I'm bandagin' my knee.

I might fall from a tall building, I might roll a brand new car.
'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made Redford such a star.

 

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Thursday, October 07, 2004

It's Not a Rerun, It's an Encore!

October 2002 - kitty gets a new plate!



October 2003 - an unsuccessful comic pitch for the Festival Cinemas guide

 

4:25 PM , # ,

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Fall Sandwich

The lights are going up to-night!

Some stuff ...

Kitty's got a new dude:

Also, I am getting the deep dicking I so relish and deserve. But his heart is even bigger than his cock. So that's it for me. Now to stop being a spastic fuckface about this and just calm down. I started flipping out this morning so I forced myself to go out on the porch and knit.

He gave her carte blanche to blog about him ... the first rule of dating is ...

At Davzilla, it's caption time!

And BLC got a plug from Ken Layne.

 

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Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Flicks

You know you've been thinking about dating too much when, while sitting through a critical documentary about Conrad Black, all you can think about is how nice it is that he found the love of his life in Barbara Amiel. After that, I caught the last bit of our monthly fitness class beer night and the main topic of conversation was also dating and relationships ...

That's enough, the topic is done. I'm going to clear the air and my brain by listing my Top 5 Movie experiences. Feel free to list yours. And stay golden.

Here they are in chronological order:

Star Wars, some drive-in, 1977
It was July, the movie had just opened and we were young and innocent. That innocence was shattered a year later by Maude singing in the Catina with Art Carney.

Blade Runner, Original run 1982, Director's Cut at the Eglinton, 1993ish
The first time I saw it was in London, Ont in 1982. My dad took us to see it ... blah, blah, blah, I've been on about it before.

The best time time seeing the flick wast on the big screen in the art deco Eglinton. The picture was huge and clean, it was like a religious experience without the sweat and urine. When they closed the theatre and turned it into an event theatre, my first thought was, "Crap! Now I'll never get to see Blade Runner there again!"

AIRPLANE! on video disc, 1983
This was the very first time I ever rented a video. We had a double-bill of AIRPLANE! and American Werewolf in London for my 14th birthday party. We stayed up all night and watched AIRPLANE! nine times, it was such a novelty. Now, whenever I hear about something bad happening to someone, the first thing that pops into my head is, "They bought their tickets, they knew the risks ... I say, let 'em crash!" The videos were on those large video discs that came in the plastic cases and you had to rent the player as well.

Eraserhead at the Bloor Cinema, Summer 1989
It was my first summer in Toronto and my first trip to the Bloor, which is the perfect place to see Eraserhead. A good introduction to the rep cinemas and now, whenever I see something I made up on the screen there (pic above), I still get giddy.

Star Trek VI at the Eglinton, 1992
A crowd of us lined up on opening weekend and caught the late show. TOS had always been around, I can remember watching it in my grandparent's basement when I was a little, little kid, we used to play Trek as kids and went to all of the movies ... so seeing it end, that was tough. Not as tough as walking out of Generations and realizing we'd been had!

Brazil at the Royal, New Year's Day 2002
After Sept 11, Brazil seemed like the movie for the moment, so I took in a screening at the Royal after a particularly good New Year's Eve. And it must have been a good idea, because director Bruce McDonald (Highway 61, HardCore Logo) was standing right in front of me in line.

Hey, wait, that's six! Well, you got a bonus experience. Don't ever say that I don't put out.

 

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Up-date

Maria's onside and seems to be willing to consider possibilities:

Lastly, thank you Blamb for the smack, I think I really needed it and I'll try not to be as negative as I seemed to be yesterday (blame it on PMS, hah!).

But she links to Kelly, who only further illustrates the second point I made in that previous post:

I just feel like everyone I've ever been involved with has managed to get on with their lives in a spectacularly short amount of time, but I cant even manage to find a date for coffee. Have I ever told you of my record? Every single man I've dated seriously has gone on to marry the very next person they've been with. Every. Single. One. I'm like the warm-up act.

Again, you can't assume that you know what's going on with other people. Those guys made the decisions they made but it doesn't necessarily mean it was the ideal scenario in their minds. I have a friend who dated a really cool woman about five years ago but no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't make it work. I was talking to him the other day and he brought her up and muttered about what a missed opportunity it was. Five years later. Maybe the dudes Kelly mentions are thinking something similar. Maybe they're happy. Who knows, we're men, it's not like we actually have any idea what we're feeling or how to deal with it (just got an email making that point).

Another example: I was talking to a woman in my fitness class the other day and it turns out that we've been single for roughly the same amount of time following difficult break-ups, but I went on my first post-break up date much sooner than she did and her reaction was, "Wow, you get over things quickly." And I told her that I didn't start dating because I moved on, I started dating because I was desperate and lonely and stopped once I was feeling a bit more like myself. Thinking that everyone else has it made is a trap.

Meanwhile, Eva's still digging in her heels:

... I find it time consuming and draining.

btw, speaking of IM, you can add me to your list using my not-so-hotmail: craggerz@hotmail.com I sign in three times a year.

 

2:19 PM , # ,

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Wednesday Clutter

There's a new Ms. Johnson comic up on the BLC.

DocSoup starts tonight at the Bloor with a screening of Citizen Black at 7pm.

And if you're in the mood for a good slow song, wind Radiohe ... er, Sparklehorse's (thanks, Natalie) cover of Wish You Were Here down to 70% of normal speed.

 

11:40 AM , # ,

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WTF?

What's with that guy?

After the race, you can buy really expensive photos of youself looking like you're about to puke and die. I just copy the thumbs and call it a day. This one is from Miss M's set and she said that if I showed her face, she would [nsfw].

 

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Dry Your Eyes & Green Box Those Soggy Skies

I had this internet dating Instant Messenger incident a couple of weeks ago. I'd met a woman on the Lavalife and was chatting her up on the IM and another woman who I'd messaged came online and wanted to chat. I politely told her that I was "on the other line" and couldn't chat at the moment, and she wrote back:

Well, at least this is working for someone.

I thought, "Awww, that's sad." and deleted her from my contact list. I could have been chatting up anybody: my landlord, my mentor, the prime minister, my financial advisor, various celebrities ... I don't have time for the pity routine.

Eva & Maria's reaction to that last post reminded me of that:

That's why I gave up Lavalife and any other attempt at dating.

That's a good example of a bad attitude towards dating because they focus on the product, a relationship, and not the process, the dating. Dating is all about the process. Sure, it can increase your chances of getting some snoog but some people date and date and date and never click ... my long-term relationships never resulted from dating, I was simply open to the possibility of hooking up and life clocked my gourd.

And being open is the key. Let me tell you a story about a girl ... I won't tell you her real name, just that it rhymes with Venezuela .. no it doesn't, wait ... rhymes with Venezuelaeva. I bumped into her at a party and there was a guy who was interested in her and she blew him off. Was he an idiot? Was he a jerk? Who knows? She didn't even give him the opportunity to be an idiot or a jerk. She wasn't even open to the possibility that he might be an idiot.

If you focus on the end result and forget about the process, you completely lose out on the benefits of dating. Dating gives you a chance to take some test drives and figure out who you are and what you're looking for and gives you a chance to develop valuable skills you'll use later, on the job.

You can say that you're "giving up" on dating and blame dating for being messy, silly and risky. But are you giving up on dating ... or giving up on yourself?

[dramatic pause]

The IM woman situation thing illustrates another point:

Well, at least this is working for someone.

Don't assume that other people have it easier than you, 'cause they don't. Well, maybe they do, but so what? I don't. That should be good enough. They probably don't either. If dating isn't working for you, look at what you're doing wrong and fix it. Get advice from your friends ... most people have a deep urge to tell others how they're acting like idiots.

Eva and Maria (btw, her dog), you two should get back in the game and back on the ol' Lavalife. It's not as hopeless as all that, I'm practically the only single person I know -- most people are in relatively functional couples -- and if some of those lepers can snag a significant other, it should be easy for you two. So quit griping, get out there, really open up and make some trouble.

If anyone else needs a good smack, let me know. What about you, Chip? Are you and Pixie still together?

 

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Monday, October 04, 2004

The Quarterly Dating Report

Welcome to the Quarterly Dating Report, an extensive, in-depth review of my dating activities over the past month. I'm now 1/4 of the way through the four-month Fall Dating Experience, and things are heating up! September was the month for laying the groundwork and revving up the engine ... um, I only went on one "date" and that was just a quick coffee shop meet-up. The conversation was stilted and she answered her cell three times (and had conversations) ... and we were only together for an hour.

That's not much of a dating report. So, in lieu of any real news, here's a fictionalized dating adventure! Please enjoy ...



S T A R R I N G

Jason Statham as Brad Lamp
Salma Hayek as SallySue Spears
Steve Buscemi as Australian Brad Lamp
and Ross McElwee as Ross McElwee

Date: 5698

Middle-aged Brad Lamp lies on a sleeping pad inside a space bubble on the planet Trampampoline in the year 5698. He is asleep but restless. His pyjamas are red with thin blue stripes.

BLAMP: [calls out] Ross! Ross!

SALLYSUE: You jumped again, didn't you?

BLAMP: [awake] Yes.

SALLYSUE: Do you know where you are?

BLAMP: I do.

SALLYSUE: [hushed voice] We're going to have a baby.

TRAMPAMPOLINIAN OVERLORDS: CONGRATULATIONS! [applause]

SALLYSUE: But, I don't understand. Who is Ross?

[JUMP]

DATE: THE WAR YEARS

Brad Lamp is a young man, he stands shivering in a snowy prison yard with several other men. A surly man approaches and slugs him. Brad falls to the ground.



AUSTRALIAN BLAMP: We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for this bastard! Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp!

Another man steps between Brad and the hot-headed Aussie.

ROSS McELWEE: Hey, leave him alone.

BLAMP: Thanks.

McELWEE: He's really got it in for you.

BLAMP: We have the same name. He doesn't like that.

McELWEE: Is it such a big deal?

BLAMP: And I accidentally shot him in the face during basic training.

McELWEE: Accidents happen.

BLAMP: And I sneezed while we were hiding and that's how the Nazis found us.

McELWEE: Oh.

BLAMP: My name is Brad Lamp. Canadian Brad Lamp.

They shake hands.

McELWEE: You seem to have a bit of a British accent.

BLAMP: Blimey! No I don't!

McELWEE: My name's Ross.

BLAMP: Nice to meet you.

Nazi guards enter the yard. One steps forward and barks at the prisoners.

NAZI: We have made arrangements for your prison detail. You will be sent to work in various Wafflehouses around the city. Your job will be to make the Waffles. Each Wafflehouse has a number. Your group will be assigned to Wafflehouse 5.

BLAMP: Yay! Waffles!

NAZI: Because there are two Brad Lamps, Australian Brad Lamp will be assigned to the coal mine instead, to avoid confusion. The coal mines are very dangerous; the few prisoners who survive working there are permanently disabled by the Black Lung!

Australian Brad Lamp glares at Brad.

[JUMP]

DATE: 1976

Brad Lamp is seven years old. It is recess on a crowded school yard. A bunch of kids are gathering to play.

BLAMP: This will be fun!

HOLLY MORRISON: Nobody wants to play with you, Brad Lamp!

The kids run off to play together and Brad Lamp is left standing alone in the school yard.

[JUMP]

DATE: 5699



Brad and SallySue are smiling at their one-year-old baby girl.

BLAMP: I was always afraid of the other kids after that happened.

SALLYSUE: Not everybody likes everybody else.

BLAMP: That's just it, she didn't say that because she didn't like me. She said it because she did.

[JUMP]

DATE: 1989

Brad is a young man at university.

BLAMP: Blimey! I'm giving Miss Teen Canada a backrub!
[internal monologue] Can I hit on her? Loretta is sitting right there. And Miss Teen Canada is Australian Brad Lamp’s girlfriend … he’d kill me just for doing this … so why not go the distance? Why the hell do I overthink everything? Damn, I wish I was drunk! [/internal monologue]

MISS TEEN CANADA: [drunk & slurring] Loretta! Why isn't Brad hitting on me?

LORETTA: Beats me.

The next day, Brad meets up with McElwee after class.

McELWEE: Do you date a lot?

BLAMP: I've been going on dates with this women, but every time I see her, I'm hungover. So, the last time I went on a date with her, I wasn't hungover but as soon as I saw her, I felt like I was.

McELWEE: I've been studying a lot of war history and I've been relating it to my dating life.

BLAMP: That's your problem! Make love, not war, man!

McELWEE: I'm wondering if there's a difference ... it seems that everytime I have a crush on a woman, it just creates damage.

They round a corner and Blamp accidentally trips a passing student.

AUSSIE BLAMP: Ouch! My neck!

BLAMP: Blimey!

AUSSIE BLAMP: Watch where you're going! Don't fuck with Australian Brad Lamp!

BLAMP: [to Ross] Just being alive seems to create damage.

[JUMP]

Date: 1995



Ross and Brad are walking down Bloor Street. It's fall.

McELWEE: I sometimes wonder if I'm in love with actual people or just in love with the feeling of being in love.

BLAMP: Why are you pointing that camera at me?

McELWEE: I'm making a personal documentary.

BLAMP: Why can't you just enjoy being single? Why do you always gotta be marching from one woman to another? I'm single again and I love it!

McELWEE: I don't think it's healthy to live a completely self-indulgent life.

BLAMP: I've been single for four months!

McELWEE: Exactly, and I've had three crushes in that time.

BLAMP: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

McELWEE: I've never been able to rationalize my way into a relationship. I haven't met anyone who has patience for the process.

[JUMP]

DATE: THE WAR YEARS

The prisoners are opening Wafflehouse 5 for the day.

BLAMP: They shot the Sarge yesterday for trying to steal a waffle!

McELWEE: He wasn't stealing the waffle. He found a discarded one under the stove and was turning it in.

BLAMP: Blimey!

McELWEE: I think I've developed a serious crush on the waitress, maybe I'm in love with her.

BLAMP: Loretta? Two days ago you were in love with the woman who washes the dishes!

McELWEE: I think that maybe she and I just have very different expectations from life. She expects to wash dishes. But the waitress, she interacts with people on a regular basis. I think I can better relate to someone like that.

Aussie Blamp is led into the Wafflehouse by some Nazi guards.

NAZI: This is the replacement for the lost worker. To avoid confusion, his name shall be "Scum" from now on. Anyone who refers to him by his actual name will face the harshest penalty. Scum, you will report directly to Brad Lamp.

SCUM: [scowls] Hello, Lamp.

BLAMP: Um, hello ... um, Scum.

SCUM: Just you remember, nobody fucks with Scum.

BLAMP: Blimey.

[JUMP]

Date: 2001

McELWEE: I have this crush on this woman named MaryAnn who lives on-site at Ontario Place. I lived there with her for several months and we had a very good sexual relationship. Then I left and had another relationship. That went sour so I went back to Ontario Place, hoping we could pick up where we left off. But she was seeing some guy who was living there with her, so I lived with both of them for a couple of months. Well, not with them; in a shed out back. Later I developed a crush on Ginger, who was living in the IMAX theatre, but she was a lesbian.

BLAMP: Oh man, I can't take this right now.

McELWEE: You're still a wreck? It's been a year.

BLAMP: I'm not great.

McELWEE: You need to have some fun, why don't you go out, get drunk, meet some women.

BLAMP: I've done that. Maybe I should move in with my ex and her boyfriend. Or live in their shed.
McELWEE: Hey! I just wanted to help.

BLAMP: Blimey.

McELWEE: Time man, more time ... that's what it takes.

BLAMP: I've looked into the internet dating.

McELWEE: That's weird. I don't think I could really connect with a person that way.

BLAMP: I went on a date with a woman I met online last summer. It was better than any of the lousy set-ups I've had.

McELWEE: I tend to like being set-up. There's something very relaxing about completely relinquishing control and letting events take over.

BLAMP: Is that what happened the time Alice set you up?

McELWEE: I still have scars from that.

BLAMP: Well, internet dating is worth a look. Hey, I snagged the BradLamp.com domain name the other day ...

[JUMP]

Date: 2012

BLAMP: WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME IN THE FACE WITH THAT BRICK!

ALICE: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!

BLAMP: WELL STOP!

[JUMP]

Date: 2003

To: Brad Lamp (brad@bradlamp.com)
From: Aussie Brad Lamp (bradlamp@phoophooyo.au)
Subject: Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp

You bastard! I can't believe you own the domain name! I’ll get you for this!

Yours Truly,
Brad Lamp (Australia)

[JUMP]

Date: The War Years

The prisoners are lined up against a wall out in the prison yard. It is snowing.

NAZI GUARD: And now we are going to play a little game. You will all answer my questions.

ROSS: [to Brad] Be careful what you say.

NAZI: If you were a character in Superman: The Movie, which character would you be? YOU! Answer the question!

ROSS: Otis.

NAZI: Next!

BLAMP: Otis.

NAZI: Next!

AUSSIE BLAMP: Valerie Perrine.

A guard steps forward and smashes the butt of his rifle into Australian Brad Lamp’s face.

WHACK!

NAZI: VALERIE PERRINE IS NOT A CHARACTER! Valerie Perrine was the actor who played the character of Eve Teschmacher, you Yankee scum!

AUSSIE BLAMP: [gasps] I’m Australian ...

NAZI: Stiff Cheddar!

AUSSIE BLAMP: [groans] Nobody fucks …

[JUMP]

Date: 5696

BLAMP: [startled] Where am I?

TRAMPAMPOLINIAN OVERLORD: You are on Planet Trampampoline.

BLAMP: Why am I here?

TRAMPO: We wish to observe you.

BLAMP: I'm lonely!

A woman appears. She is naked except for a thick leather belt with a gun holster and police badge on it. She's also wearing leather boots. It is porn star, SallySue Spears.



SALLYSUE: WWWWAAAAHHHH!!!

BLAMP: Don't scream!

SALLYSUE: WAAAAHHHHH!!!

BLAMP: Don't be afraid!

SALLYSUE: Where the hell am I?

BLAMP: Apparently we're on the planet Trampampoline.

SALLYSUE: Who the hell are you?

BLAMP: My name is Brad Lamp. I'm an elementary school art teacher from London.

SALLYSUE: Why are you here?

BLAMP: The Trampampolinians said they wanted to study me. They brought you here because I said I was lonely.

SALLYSUE: Well tell them to send me back! I don't want to be here with some dope in a bubble in outer space! I have a life!

BLAMP: Trampampolinians? Can you send her back?

SALLYSUE: Sheesh.

BLAMP: Hello?

SALLYSUE: Maybe they've turned in for the night.

BLAMP: Hello?

SALLYSUE: Well, thanks pal. Nice mess you've got me into.

BLAMB: Blimey.

SALYYSUE: Why does everybody mess with SallySue Spears?

[JUMP]

Date: 2007

Brad, Alice and Ross are having dinner.

ROSS: Well, congratulations on getting hitched. You two were on and off for years.

ALICE: Isn’t it great? And this time I promise that I’m going to lose weight for him!

BLAMP: If you lose any more weight, you’ll turn inside-out. I’m the one who needs to lose weight.

ROSS: Yeah, how heavy are you?

BLAMP: 240. I knew this would happen.

ALICE: Oh come on, you look healthy!

BLAMP: Meh.

ALICE: So Ross, the reason we wanted to get together with you is 'cause I know this wonderful woman who you should meet.
ROSS: Really?

ALICE: You’re gonna love her! She’s intelligent, she’s cultured, she’s beautiful, she’s fun.

BLAMP: You’re a brave man if you let her set you up again.

ALICE: Shush, you! Ross, are you interested?

ROSS: Of course. But I have a bit of a crush on this police officer who gave me a ticket the other day. She was pretty and I think that someone with such clear boundaries in their life might be good for me, because I have such loose boundaries.

ALICE: No, no, no, Ross. This woman, this woman I have found, she’s perfect for you. Boundaries, smart, pretty ... you'll love her.

[JUMP]

Date: 2004

ROSS: Hey, I read that fictionalized account of your dating life on your blog.

BLAMP: The worst part is that I’m going to have to do it again at the end of October, there’s no time to date this month because of work.

ROSS: I thought casting Bruce Willis as your character was odd. I never thought of you as the action hero type.

BLAMP: Are you kidding? LOOK AT ME!



ROSS: Yeah, you're not all that scary.

[JUMP]

Date: The War Years

It is late and the Wafflehouse is closed. The Nazi guard is eating a late-night waffle, by himself, in the dark. A figure steps from the shadows and wraps a wire around the Nazi's neck and pulls it tight, holding it until the Nazi goes limp.

AUSSIE BLAMP: Nobody.

[JUMP]

Date: 2071

Brad Lamp is an elderly man, standing in front of a large audience in an auditorium.

BLAMP: To sum up, all I can tell you is that there is only one rule about dating and that rule is: YOU DO NOT BLOG ABOUT DATING.

STUDENT IN AUDIENCE: But, sir! You break that rule all the time! You blogged hundreds of pages about living with the porn star on Planet Trampampoline in the future.

BLAMP: Well, fortunately I will never have to address that complaint ...

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Shots ring out and Brad Lamp twitches and slumps to the floor. Dead. The audience panics. Some people duck, most run for the exits. Up in the balcony, unnoticed, an old man holds a smoking pistol and mutters to himself.

AUSSIE BLAMP: Nobody fucks with Australian Brad Lamp!

 

9:15 PM , # ,

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Toronto Cityblog

Over at the Better Living Centre, it's your weekend wrap-up.

 

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Sunday, October 03, 2004

School of Gore

PART 1

We rented School of Rock over the weekend. In the movie, Jack Black poses as a supply teacher at a ritzy private school and teaches heavy metal tunes to a bunch of little kids. The scenario reminded me of some of my own adventures working with kids.

Years ago, after university, I taught art at the afterschool program at the community centre in Trinity-Bellwoods park. The first year I worked there I spent the entire March Break working on these little "mechanical track" projects with the kids. One of the program "advisors" had come up with the idea and it was fun, but not fun all-day-long-for-an-entire-week fun. I had to really work at squeezing and stretching the fun factor over the final two days ... with the single bloody kid who bothered to stick it out to the end.

The following year, when the March Break approached, the talk of the "mechnical tracks" project started up again and I declared the whole thing dead and said that I'd come up with my own, much more interesting project that was going to take up the whole week called "Creatures". "Creatures" was code for "Alien Autopsies" but that was on a need-to-know basis. After I had asked the community centre manager if it was okay to erect full-size Easter Island heads made out of cardbaord in the park, he'd said to me, "Brett, don't ask me for permission. Just do what you're gonna do and apologize when it all goes to shit."


Internal organs exposed.

The week before the March Break, I went to Active Surplus and bought a bunch of actual surgical tools and some other cool mechanical things. We had plenty of art supplies at Bellwoods: paint, construction paper, clay and, for some reason, about 100 kg of parrafin wax ... and we melted all of it down for the bodies of our aliens.


BLOOD!

We set up the room to look like an operating room and rigged an overhead projector over the "operating table", which set the mood when the lights were out.


From the specimen gallery.

For the first half of the week, the kids built the aliens. Each kid built a small creature of their own and they also collaborated on a big alien that would be the finale for the end of the week. When the smaller creatures were done, the kids dissected those first, removing organs, sorting out "veins" and "arteries". The best stuff was put on display in a specimen gallery.


Bagged and tagged organs on display.

Coming soon: In the exciting conclusion to School of Gore, large alien autopsy images including dissection of intestines!

 

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Country Timin'

I didn't even know that it was fall. But once we got away from the city's microclimate and out to the farm, it was clear that fall had fell ... fallen, er, felled ...

And Zack, who'd been a quarantined sicky all week, got to walk softly and carry some big sticks.



I may be be all-growed-up, but the parents still stick my work up on the fridge.

And during our "first" Thanksgiving dinner, we actually had a conversation about bloggers and various blogs and what's going on on the blogs and argued about which blogs we read and like. Blogs have now replaced tv, movies and the news as conversation fodder.



And there's nothing I like more than spending some time on the highway on a sunny, fall afternoon with the music cranked and the doog riding shotgun.



Zack had a tough time getting used to roadtrips, but now he loves it! At least that's what I keep telling him.

 

3:15 PM , # ,

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